All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Summer will return say meteorologists
No matter what it feels like in February, summer will make its’ annual descent on the Rockies starting May 25 this year. On that day the temperature will reach 83 degrees at about 2:17 in the afternoon. The popular season is expected to stick around until October 16 accentuated by the repeated dustings of snow in the high country.
Ski Resorts Hope to Develop Bad Neighborhoods
(Crested Butte) Citing burgeoning resentment on the part of the disadvantaged across the country, many Colorado ski towns are encouraging the establishment of bad neighborhoods within their town limits. Skiing is often perceived as the recreation of the rich which is not always good for lift ticket sales.
A quick fix may be in the works.
Many resorts have already begun building what may well be the slums of the future and others are busy attracting a host of social ills often associated with skid rows and ghettos. Topping the list are the prospective residents of these environs and the increase in crime needed to achieve these lofty goals.
“At present we enjoy blue skies and low pressure on social institutions,” said Sarah Parvenu, of Colorado Skree Country. “That will change as we attempt to embrace validity within fantasy mountain communities. In a few years we hope to catch up with the urban centers and offer diversity in our newly emerging mean streets.”
Initial plans are to house 90-day wonders and seasonal ski workers, in these neighborhoods at affordable housing prices. When the experiment gets off the ground proponents of the plan expect the demand for tenement living to increase.
“It’s the ying and yang thing,” continued Parvenu. “We can’t go on sporting affluence while ignoring the realities of population distribution and income disparity. It looks silly to worry about powder days when a portion of the state population is struggling to keep warm and eat.”
In addressing the subject of crime, the architects of the program say it will take years before gangs and syndicates will be up and running. They insist that thugs and mobsters can be sealed off in the low neighborhoods with a strong police presence. According to studies concluded in such diverse theaters as Sweden and Somalia, crooks are more comfortable terrorizing their next-door neighbors than traveling into rich areas to ply their trades.
Crimes like this one will go unpunished if the ski industry has its way.
“The bottom line is that we have lost touch with reality and drastic measures are necessary to get back the balance,” explained our source. “Historically towns like Crested Butte, Telluride and Aspen had terrible neighborhoods, so let’s stay in step with precedence. Can we expect to achieve UNESCO status or continue to develop a competitive basketball program without including the poor in our census?”
How these moves might affect second homeowners was not clear at press time. Many say they will continue to visit the resorts for a few weeks per year and will hire security agents to patrol their properties.
“Yes, we have property management personnel running all over town but now they will be quick-response, deputized militia armed and capable of returning fire and apprehending suspects.”
The local police force, which has more than doubled since last week, will attempt to avoid profiling based on vehicle type although, according to officers polled, that could be difficult.
“If we see a beat up heap cruising near the slopes we might be inclined to watch them closer than a motorist driving a new Chevy Silverado Mercedes SUV,” said one officer That’s not profiling…It’s just common sense.”
The beefed up police force would then, in addition to patrolling the rough areas, step up DUI arrests to pay for the additional gasoline expense.
“The expansion of bad neighborhoods in mountain towns should not cost the taxpayer one red cent which is good news in these tense economic times,” stressed Parvenu. At first look we will seek to create nouveau slums near the interstates, in existing industrial zones and in less desirable spots on the fringe of towns. Here in Crested Butte that might mean new settlements up Kebler where most tourists wouldn’t see them, and remote locales near former coalmines. Decisions like these will come later. Right now we have to get these socialistic blueprints past the town councils and the county.”
Critics of all this say they cannot fathom distressed neighborhoods on the other side of the tracks since the railroad pulled out of town many decades ago.
Mountain Rescue – Winter Vigil
As long as there is a Red Mountain Pass there will be Ouray County Rescue. photo by Delinda Austin
OUT OF THIS WORLD
Extraterrestrial visits up
(Silverton) The number of alien visitors to Western Colorado increased almost 40% over last fall according to watchdog groups focusing on non-traditional tourism. The biggest jumps came in the communities of Silverton and Ouray where extraterrestrials mobbed restaurants and shops sending sales tax figures through the roof of the cosmos.
“They especially liked western clothing, you know, cowboy duds,” said one merchant on Greene Street. “They bough hats and boots like they were going out of style. They bought everything on credit cards even if the duds didn’t fit their oddly-rounded heads and branch-like feet.”
A carnival atmosphere lingered in nearby Ouray all the way through December with alien couples. traveling without off-spring making up a majority of the crowd.
“They came to see the autumn colors and stayed hoping to catch the first snowfall,” according to jeep tour operators who added that the aliens were much more knowledgeable and far more generous than other traditional summer groups.
According to tourist information statistics one out of every three train passengers was from outer space while almost 90% of the above highway air traffic was composed of people from other planets and solar systems.
“Their nervous little dogs were a bit much,” quipped one information booth jockey, “and they were armed with the same questions as tourists from the flatlands of earth. Sure, the conversation gets old but they has cash in hand.
“Aliens are not cheap and compared to other visitors are not afraid to spend money,” said a bartender at the Miner’s Tavern. “They’d come through the door somewhat anxious at first but after they saw the scene here they were quick to relax and get into it. We even had a few in the Friday pool tournaments.”
While other communities reported a slight increase in inter-planetary sojourns San Juan and Ouray Counties appear to have benefited most from the stopovers.
“Many of them were on their way to Las Vegas or the Grand Canyon and we are a convenient call,” said the information specialist. “They look different to be sure but no stranger than a lot of our clientele over the years. Some have even checked out the real estate but were often run off by the prices.”
In a related incident the Executive Board of Spatial Profile and Redistribution of Wealth has concluded that the fastest way to peace on the planet earth is to remove greedy elements from the population. Most members of the Trump Administration are already gone and a master hit list has been circulated throughout the immediate region. To see if your name is on the list please call 1-800-HOW-MUCH.
Burger Giant Offers “Soylent Greens”
(Obesity Springs) Pop culture icon and fast food baron Ronald McDonald has announced a new menu item aimed at appealing to healthier Americans. The addition, called Soylent Green will replace salads and low-fat items currently offered in his restaurants.
Soy burgers and turnip fries have fallen on their respective faces, with consumers abandoning long held routines in search of less healthy experiences in the drive-up lane. McDonald and his cast of clowns feels strongly that soylent green will fill the void between fats and sugar while giving its customers something new to chew on.
“The availability of this innovative sustenance, a cutting-edge recycled organic substance, is a driving force in the decision to embrace this new age cuisine. The recent GOP provoked chucking of corpus delicti statutes hasn’t hurt us either.”
Nutritionists say that while the new food is soggy, it is quite green and, after continued exposure, will be accepted by hungry consumer robots much like the hot dog.
“Go West, young man. It smells like a feedlot around here.”
– Horace Greeley
Bachelor Survivor Episodes Shot at Irwin
(Crested Butte) Filming of the popular television series Bachelor Survivor will begin this weekend at the town site of Irwin according to producers and directors. The program, popular with people who are afraid to go outside, will once again focus on local bachelors struggling to make it through yet another cold winter.
This season’s plight involves seven bachelors, armed only with hatchets and loincloths, who must make some difficult choices when confronted with fish tank dating and assorted commitments. Some twenty-eight divas are slated to be dropped into the Raggeds by Friday morning. These lovely ladies, in evening wear, will then make an ascent of the Ruby Range for an expected rendezvous with the bachelors on the shores of balmy Lake Irwin. Makeup stations along the way will assure that every hair is in place for the cameras.
“We don’t want a bunch of disappointed divas with running mascara and broken fingernails ruining the show,” said one crew member.
Due to temporary relaxation of state and local laws on such bothersome restrictions as manslaughter and simple assault the action is expected to peak near the entrance to Irwin and trickle down to the town of Crested Butte itself. The seven bachelors must not only choose the right lady but protect her from the others.
“This is idiocy,” said one Elk Avenue merchant concerned with the message sent here. “For one thing the 4- 1 ratio of women to men is absurd. We haven’t seen anything approaching these figures since the boys went off to France in 1917. In addition, if local behavior patterns are in play all seven of the bachelors will fight over one diva, fouling up the whole plot.”
Persons wishing to obtain tickets for the filming should contact the local chamber of commerce or the seedy money changers that hang out in front of the Company Store weekday mornings.
– Uncle Pahgre
No Lie Zone Riles Kellyanne, Huckabee Mujer
Una zona sin mentiras sin precedentes, que prohíbe a Kellyanne Conway y a Sarah Huckabee Sanders del micrófono de la conferencia de prensa, entrará en efecto esta tarde, luego de quejarse y twittear ciegamente por la Oficina Oval.
Al calificar de buenos cristianos a sus asesores cercanos, el director ejecutivo extramatrimonial criticó la acción tomada por lo que él llamó “facciones deshonestas del ejército estadounidense” durante el fin de semana.
Estas dos mujeres son de oro, “la última de las leales”, dijo Trump. “Los mentirosos tienen narices largas. No veo ninguna nariz larga aquí “.
La Fuerza Aérea decidió sobre las restricciones después de que surgieran falsedades y explicaciones infantiles que continuaron fluyendo de los dos portavoces. La Zona de No Mentira se llevará a cabo de manera muy similar a la Zona de No Vuela que prohíbe ciertos movimientos y el acceso a la respuesta convencional.
“Cuentos descabellados que emanan de esta guarida de ladrones harían sonrojar a Pinocho”, dijo una fuente no identificada que investiga la desventaja de golf de Donald Trump.
Tanto Kellyanne como Huckabee han sido nominados para el prestigioso Salón de la Fama de los Mentirosos en Truth or Consequences NM. En el pasado reciente, el honor ha sido otorgado a grandes mentirosos como Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin y Richard Nixon. Hasta 2009, la “sociedad” era estrictamente solo para hombres, pero debido a la presión de la administración de Obama, las mujeres ahora son elegibles para la inducción.
“A veces es difícil separar las mentiras descaradas de la estupidez genética”, continuó el inspector de handicap, que compartió la preocupación de que los ayudantes y devotos de Trump son peores que el producto que apoyan.
“Alejar la atención de los criminales no hace nada por los engañados”, agregó. “¿Es el engaño ahora el negocio del día?”
Mientras tanto, Mike Pence anunció que dejaría de participar en sus últimos dos años de elegibilidad de WH e ingresaría en un acuerdo de vivienda asistida con el Museo de cera Madame Tussauds para recibir tratamiento en febrero. “Digamos que no se está uniendo al personal”, dijo un espectador familiarizado con la alteración.
– Boca Pequeña Bess
