All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
One good reason to enjoy winter
Mt Abram welcomes motorists to Ouray on Highway 550,
Rox Relief Staff Prognosis Blamed for Flu-Like Symptoms
(Denver) Many local baseball aficionados are complaining of stomach cramps, headaches and a feeling of hopelessness when faced with frighteningly familiar warning signs emanating from the Colorado Rockies’ bullpen.
And spring training has only just arrived.
A myriad of reports do not shine favorably for fans from Wray to Ouray who had hoped for a run at the pennant in 2019. The reality that the best Rockies’ relief pitcher, Adam Ottavino is now in New York has only compounded the infirmities.
Despite hurling millions at the relief problem in 2018, the future looks bleak. The new Blake Street bombers (pitching staff) could not salvage their own asses in a windstorm much less protect a late-inning lead. Simply put: with the exception of Scott Oberg, they stink.
Physicians all over the Rocky Mountains have identified what they called “flu-like symptoms” but, other than a waltz through the pharmacy and the liquid and rest remedy, they offered little in the way of solutions.
One psychiatric nurse suggested moving the Dodgers and D-Backs to the American League in exchange for the two of that league’s basement dwellers. Another medical source favored cutting back to six innings.
“Several of my patients have already began to exhibit feelings of hopelessness and unhealthy escape mechanisms usually not visible until September,” offered a Fort Collins doctor who has prescribed fresh air and a good belt of whiskey in the late innings.
“I clearly remember that last season whenever I saw our million-dollar-baby relief flops start to warm up my stomach got all queasy and indigestion followed,” said Rocky Flats, a longtime season ticket holder from Mack. “Then when they got on the mound my bowels loosened and I got the chills. On extreme occasions I felt nauseous and had to g out into the yard until it passed.”
In a related story psychologists and psychiatrists in the region report a sharp increase in clients suffering from anxiety and seasonal depression. When data compiled from these burgeoning health concerns was interfaced with traditional winter bugaboos it turns out that cold, wind, dirty snow, mid, ice and cloudy days are not the only problem.
It ain’t the pox but it could be the Rox.
“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” – Oscar Wilde
INSIDE THIS WEBSITE
Chinese Czechs Banned from
International Scrabble competition
Card counting scandal alleged
in Poker Faced and Out of Luck
Pagans set missionary budget for 2019
Funds once earmarked for conversions go to poor
in My Brother’s Beeper
Aggressive ameba eating the brain tissue
of aging world leaders
Hungry supporters watch and wait
in Medicine for the Wealthy
Supreme Quart Could Ban Beer on School Nights
Morality play could backfire on puritans
in Hops Till You Drop
Congress Missing in Fact-Finding Trip to Elbe
Napoleon’s haunt good place to store gold?
in The Joys of Off-Shore Banking
Plus a whole lot more to eat, drink, roll in and be afraid to approach.
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Sun Vodka Takes the Sting Out of Winter!
Does your monthly bar bill leave you in a lurch? Well get off your duff and take control of your drinking! Our easy four-step distillation and circumnavigation method will keep your glass full and your senses distracted until better days come along.
It’s simple. You’ll need a three-pint jar and one or two potatoes, some water, sun and a little faith in science and metaphysics.*
fig # 1
fig # 2
First: Submerge potato** in 3 pints of water (figure one). Secure lid tightly. Place in the direct sunlight (figure two). Then wait three days (slightly less in altitudes over 7,000 feet). Garnish with potato wedge or olives – Enjoy! (figure three).
Capsulized version for those on the go:
1. potato in water in sun (Colorado has 322 sunny days per year. Choose a good one).
fig. # 3
2. Wait three days
3. Serve ice-cold in chilled martini glass. Garnish with potato wedge and or olives. Put on your drinking clothes and enjoy.
*Chanting or praying over the three-pint mixture has been found to do nothing for quality, taste or enhancement of distillation process.
**One potato per assigned liquid is recommended although two potatoes will increase potency to around 110-proof. Best if used by 2150.
HUMANS IGNORE EARTH’S EVICTION NOTICE
(Flint, Michigan) An “official-looking” eviction notice, which was received by the United States Congress last week, has reportedly been burned.
The assertive, almost belligerent demand contained no return address or exact timetable for the forced exile “of all creatures great and small”. Experts say there is no doubt as to the origin of the ultimatum warning humans of dire consequences facing the planet and all of its inhabitants.
It was addressed to Caring Members of Congress, which in itself illustrates the futility of the action. After nervously sitting on the notice for a few days the legislative body opted to burn the document “rather than frighten the American people with trivialities.”
The eviction papers were then allegedly singed then consumed by flames at a Georgetown barbecue last weekend. Passersby say neocons and other toadies in attendance cheered as the fire engulfed the discounted message.
The lavish barbecue, financed by drilling interests in the Chesapeake Bay region, targeted moderate politicians, fossil fuel enthusiasts and potential investors.
A spokesman for the White House toasted the burning saying she would not be intimidated by “some senile old planet’s concerns” in the face of profits. She said the unfortunate row was generated by and produced for malcontents and socialists who think the survival of the planet is more important than money.
“What fools,” she said. “I drive a new car. They take the bus.”
“It looked mighty authentic,” quipped one of two Senators from Wyoming. “It even had the Great Seal of the Solar System on it. At first it looked like an IRS love letter or a draft notice but after further examination it resembled a parking ticket.”
Congressional Republicans constantly host bonfires/book burnings on the White House lawn every Wednesday night where lies are rampant and the news is buried. Articles, essays, certificates and manuscripts, deemed critical of the president, are methodically discarded by the brainless and destroyed by the eternal flames of greed and indifference.
The Planet Earth’s next move is anyone’s guess.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“I didn’t see where I had any other options.”
-Melvin O’Toole, when asked what drove him to embrace silliness, the ridiculous and the absurd.
Caption writing contest
Try your hand at writing a caption to go with the above photo. Entries will be judged on originality, conciseness and restraint. The winner will receive a herd of authentic Bighorn sheep and two passes to Maybell’s Traveling Mind Wax Museum. Runners-up may be invited to star in a new reality TV presentation of Government Shutdown, a disastrous soap opera filmed in Washington DC.
