All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"

PRESIDENTS AND THEIR DOGS

Due to an overwhelming lack of response from our reader we have decided to present this painfully researched period piece. Hopefully by presenting these leaders as dog lovers we might rebuff certain detractions and show these men as everyday people not just icons lost in the dog hair and slobberings of history.

Since 1782 when George Washington took his oath of office exhorting Congress the “roll over now”, dogs have been a graceful, pleasant complement to the Presidency. A dog or two around the White House was considered “American homey” or at least some indication that someone might come to the door when the bell was rung.

Samuel Adams spent the entire revolution demonizing leash laws until he achieved power. Then he delivered rousing speeches calling for law and order and a stringent leash law to be applied to all the newly freed colonies.

Take Thomas Jefferson. He didn’t care much for dogs at all but kept a pack of 30 in the carriage house in case he saw a fox or his ideological nemesis, Alexander Hamilton. Several of his children kept dogs until they began tearing up the master’s Paris-made perukes and were banished to the servant’s quarters.

Martin Van Buren is known to have bred Yorkies in an attempt to placate Buckingham Palace during the Uruguayan Civil War. Van Buren, a Dutchman, entertains Charles Darwin and his three Border Collies at the White House, despite the British naturalist’s refusal to apply Origins of the Species to the Congress.

Millard Fillmore, voted Best Dressed Commander if Chief in 1851, preferred feeding the capital’s wandering mongrels than allowing a dog to reside at the White House. His sister-in-law’s first cousin, Alberta, is credited with inventing the doggie sweater following Fillmore’s last public appearance in 1854.

US Grant kept three Irish wolfhounds and a keg of brandy with him at all times after the Battle of the Wilderness. “They keep me mellow,” he liked to say. Friends attributed Grant’s chronic puppy breath to his close association with the canines.

Grover Cleveland was indicted in 1891 for attempting to misrepresent yet another paternal suit by presenting a litter of warm, fuzzy puppies to the legal gallery. The jury was then asked to pick out the father from an assembled pack of tail-waggers in the courtroom. Cleveland’s repeated “Look at the cute little puppies” was enough to get the charges dropped to improper passing and barking at the moon. During the lame duck days of his presidency Cleveland became very picky about what dogs were around saying that some of them made him look fat.

Teddy Roosevelt accidently shot “Puffy” his wife’s small poodle while planning the preliminary stages of the attack on San Juan Hill, aka the whiskey cabinet in his New York mansion. Due to the toughness exhibited by the little dog after the shooting, Roosevelt brought him on brief military maneuvers to Cuba in 1900. Puffy is credited with turning around a Spanish frontal assault and disabling a counter attack the next morning. He retired as a full colonel in 1901.

Franklin D Roosevelt once tried to sneak his German shepherd, Benito, into a New York Central coach saying that he was blind and the dog was a service animal. Unfortunately the President was recognized and both he and his dog were thrown off the train. The next day Hitler went into Poland.

Herbert Hoover spent over 40 years trying to decide on what type of dog he should like adopt. He died dog less some ten years later. His widow then went on to acquire 17 dogs from a Maryland shelter and lived with them until her death in 1946. None were named after Calvin Coolidge.

Lyndon Baines Johnson picked up his beagles by the ears, offending uninformed dog lovers throughout the nation. Johnson insisted that the dogs enjoyed the exercise while insisting the victory was “right around the corner” in Southeast Asia. His book “Dog Gymnastics or Diplomatic Shortcomings” was a failure since potential readers could not distinguish between references to Lady Bird and seasonal shedding. When it comes to paper training and doggie treats it all gets lost in the translation.

Richard Nixon applied the classic “How could I be a crook when I have this little dog with me?” Checkers Speech in the 50s, when suspected of illegal behavior while Vice President. Soon after Watergate Nixon had asked to see Checkers, only to be informed that the dog had died in 1964. His retort: “Now they won’t have Checkers to kick around anymore.” Nixon tried hosting other pets such as lizards and turtles but they always bit him.

Jimmy Carter did not have a dog in Georgia because he was afraid it would eat all of his peanuts. When he arrived in Washington in 1976 it was apparent that he had better get a large watchdog if he wanted to survive the next four years in the crime-ridden city. However the real protector of the house was a 25-pound, wide-eyed Persian cat given to Carter by the Shah of Iran in 1978. Sadly the cat drowned while on a trip to the Canal Zone after Carter’s Presidency.

Ronald Regan is said to have preferred horses to dogs. He kept three mutts though named Rin Tin Tin, Lassie and Old Yeller, cleverly commemorating great canine stars in the moving pictures. Nancy wouldn’t let him bring the dogs when he was riding or the horses when he walked the dogs because she was concerned he would confuse the two species. The Great Communicator never got around to training his charges and they wandered the Executive Mansion aimlessly looking for bit parts.

Bill Clinton could never find the perfect companion, one that that played the sax and smoked cigars. Too busy being President to have a dog around. Got a pooch for Chelsea but the White House gardener was plagued with walking the mutt, since Chelsea was too busy trying to get into Stanford. When Bill did succeed in finding the right dog it peed on the floor and he took it back.

George H. Bush. Is Millie really an appropriate name for the dog of the leader of the Free World?

Barack Obama and his family have a two Portuguese Water Dogs named Bo and Sunny. Many in the Republican House continue to insist that Bo is a Muslim-socialist and has no birth certificate, although country of origin has been documented. The fact that the second dog, Sunny, is of the same exotic breed, they say, is further indication of Emperor Obama’s arrogance. FOX news inaccurately reported that the pet attacked the mailman when in fact it bit Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell in the same afternoon, much to the delight of Malia and Sasha, the President’s daughters.

Nuevo mes, nuevo día de la semana por proponer federales

(Arlington VA) Un nuevo mes y un octavo día de la semana, pueden unirse a los otros 12 y 7, respectivamente, si un comité del Congreso sale con la suya. De acuerdo con un grupo de cabilderos veteranos opuestos a la hora de verano, días de fiesta oficiales Lunes, calendarios de desnudos, envoltura de plástico disfuncional, relojes de pared digitales y las fechas de terminación de carnes frías, la victoria está a la vista.
Estos tradicionalistas están exigiendo un retorno a tiempos más simples, pero dicen que necesitan un poco de elbowroom expandida para trazar la opinión pública y aplicar restricciones.
“Estamos tratando de aprobar una enmienda y terminar con todos los cosméticos y disfraces”, dijo cabilderos Peter Rabbit, que entre sus otros deberes sirve como un centro comercial predicador dos veces acusado-aquí los fines de semana.
El nuevo día sería llamado “D OMINGO”, un período de 24 horas en que los ciudadanos no tengan que ir a trabajar pero se les permitiría salir de sus casas. El nuevo mes “Bachtember”, es el nombre de Baco, el dios romano de libaciones diarias y la promiscuidad fin de semana.
Fuentes familiarizadas con el ridículo, dijo a La Herradura que D OMINGO seguiría Domingo como una especie de amortiguador para la semana de trabajo, mientras que Bachtember permitiría personas de más tiempo para las cosechas anuales, colores de la caída, y añadir 4 partidos más a la mayoría de la universidad y el equipo de fútbol profesional horarios.
“No esperamos que este cambio para crear problemas como los imaginó a finales del milenio pasado”, dijo el conejo, la nariz un temblor en la aprehensión de un nuevo intento de aprovechar el tiempo.
Los defensores siguen insistiendo en que a pesar de los cambios serían difícil al principio, la mayoría de la gente pronto se beneficiaría después de un corto intervalo de tiempo.
– Phil E. Buster

New month, new day of the week proposed by feds

(Arlington VA) A brand new month and an eighth day of the week may join the other 12 and 7 respectively if a Congressional Committee gets its way. According to a group of veteran lobbyists opposed to Daylight Savings Time, official Monday holidays, nudie calendars, dysfunctional plastic wrap, digital wall clocks and termination dates on lunchmeat, victory is within sight.
These traditionalists are demanding a return to simpler times but say they need some expanded elbowroom to chart public opinion and implement restrictions.
“We’re looking to pass an amendment and be finished with all the cosmetics and disguises,” said lobbyists Peter Rabbit, who among his other duties serves as a twice-indicted strip mall preacher here on weekends.
The new day would be called “Unday”, a 24-hour period where citizens would not have to go to work but would be permitted to leave their homes. The new month “Bachtember”, is named for Bacchus, the Roman god of daily libations and weekend promiscuity.
Sources familiar with the ridiculous, told The Horseshoe that Unday would follow Sunday as a sort of buffer to the work week, while Bachtember would allow persons more time for annual harvests, fall colors, and add 4 more games to most college and professional football team schedules.
“We do not expect this shift to create problems like those imagined at the turn of the last millennium,” said Rabbit, nose a-twitching in apprehension of yet another attempt to harness time.
Proponents continue to insist that although the changes would be difficult at first, the majority of people would soon benefit after a short interval.
– Phil E. Buster

House GOP Votes to Deport Statue of Liberty

(New York) Lady Liberty, already the victim of the arrogance and incompetence of the Homeland Security Agency, may be deported if House Republicans have their way.
Saying the statue sends the wrong message to potential immigrants, John White (R-Mars) has introduced a bill that would send the 150-foot Miss Liberty packing.

Heady action leads to dismissal

“Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free,” is seriously outdated,” said White who did not know if his aristocrat descendents had arrived here or in New Orleans in the 1700s. “Right now what our corporate masters need is the obedience and cooperation of the people already brainwashed, not a lot of new loafers living off the system.”
White, born wealthy, has never worked, unless one counts his term in Congress. He has found a great deal of support for his measure within his party. Many Republicans, hoping to play the Jesus card, are placating the Christian voting block by calling for the ouster of “a pagan goddess from a nation of sinners”.
For the historically challenged, Lady Liberty was a gift from France in 1886. The colossal neoclassical sculpture was modeled after Libertas, the Roman goddess of freedom.
“The last thing we need hovering over New York Harbor is more paganism,” said White, adding fuel to his cold, wet fire. “I welcome the Senate vote on this bill and hope our colleagues there share the same values in preserving the pecking order that has been in place since before the Revolution.”
La Liberte eclairant le monde (Liberty enlightening the world) had no comment on the proceedings, her torch of freedom dragging and the chains at her feet tightening by the day. Already some 60 nations have offered her amnesty as a political refugee while several New Jersey developers plan a shopping mall near her base called Liberty Square and a small museum (out back) recounting the statue’s heralded reign here.

Waving goodbye to Ms Liberty

“She has survived 9/11, deterioration caused by salt and pollution, and Hurricane Sandy only to be attacked by another opportunist looking to make a name for himself,” said a supporter. “The people who really run this country have no need of symbols like this. The Americans who support the deportation have no right to live here if they can be so easily manipulated by people like White. They are a howling farce.” – Uncle Pahgre

How to Deal with a Leprechaun

by Padriac McGloo
1. Always make sure his glass is full of Guinness.
2. Don’t be after his gold.
3. Compliment his ability as a shoemaker.
4. Offer him the proverbial second shilling (which he will refuse).
5. Buy him a new hat, pipe and shillelagh every March 16.
6. Consult with him on matters dealing with the banshee and other elves.
7. Have a sturdy mount at his disposal at all times.
8. Be cordial to other wee people when they come to visit. Keep their little glasses full too.
9. Be careful where you step.
10. Refrain from referring to leprechauns as fairies in certain circles.
By following these simple suggestions most mortals can develop a working relationship with leprechauns and avoid falling victim to the mischievousness common to the wee folk. If you accidentally provoke one of these creatures just remember that although they consider humans to be inferior they have a warm spot in their hearts for fools and beggars, be they Irish or other.

IRELAND JUST MILES AWAY FROM RESTING PLACE

(Malaga, Spain) The island nation of Ireland has been spotted off the coast of Spain this morning, traveling at the speed of 35 knots in the direction of Sardinia. Hibernians, long tired of dealing with Britain, kidnapped the island last year and began the epic float trip to the Mediterranean Sea.
These Celts insist that Ireland belongs in the Mediterranean near Italy, Greece, Spain and several African nations with which it shares a common heritage.
“When was the last time you saw an Irishman that acted like a German or a Swede,” asked Finbar Harahan, the wealthy financier in charge of the transport.
“We had a little trouble getting through the Straits of Gibraltar,” he said, “but that’s still run by the Brits and all.”
If all goes according to plan Ireland will anchor in northern Corsica before steaming off south to the Tyrrhenian Sea to an undisclosed spot donated by the alleged bastard off-spring of Napolean Bonaparte, who continue to live on the island of Elba, just off the coast of Tuscany.