All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"

Wal-Mart Bosses Hit by Lightening

(Gunnison) Several high-level officials with the Wal-Mart Corporation were reportedly struck by lightening Tuesday as they stood in a pasture north of here — the site of a proposed Super Wal-Mart. None where wearing seat belts. Sadly, the victims, all from corporate headquarters in Arkansas, were cheated and released at St Roscoe’s Hospital and are now back on the clock.
According to local weather experts this kind of strike is rare in that the rogue electric storm scored a direct hit and yet there were no fatalities. Most residents surveyed agreed that there was no thunder storm activity on the day in question and that the sun was out for the entire afternoon.
“If there was activity it would have been quite visible from here on the ground,” said one meteorologist visiting from a local Bland Junction TV station. “Hell, I’m always looking out for new angles from which to report the weather and I saw nothing but sun that day.”
Some sky watchers here feel the strike may have been the result of supernatural or even divine intercession in the wake of a class-action discrimination suit filed by female employees and ex-employees last week. Despite the pains of fellow citizens consumers spent millions there last week.
Only yesterday the giant retailer agreed to pledge more than $250 toward the construction of a American Heritage Theme Park on North Main Street if allowed to build a Super Wal-Mart here. The park would depict life before corporate control.
“If there is a God in the sky he probably doesn’t shop at Wal-Mart,” said one opponent of the expansion. “Does this mean that Wal-Mart shoppers will be punished later on for their indiscretions?”
This is the third separate report of natural disasters involving top brass at the discount hookshop. Residents and visitors alike are asked to avoid the current Wal-Mart store (or better yet conduct a personal boycott of same) until these matters can be sorted out. A complete investigation is expected by the weekend.

Mr. Obituary Dead at 90

Signelle de Bushe, formerly of metro Olathe, died at Riverbottom Rest Ranch December 9 after a long illness. Known as Mr. Obituary to colleagues and fans Bushe is credited with writing over 200,000 of the somewhat morbid releases.
He is survived by his wife, Watta of Pea Green, and children Rose and Betty “Boop” Bushe, of Meeker and Craig respectively.
Most reporters only cut their teeth on obituaries before moving on to more stimulating town council meetings or dog-at-large prose. Bushe stayed the corpse at the obituary desk for his entire journalistic career spanning almost 60 years.
When he finally retired from Snitch-Flowered in 2011 he was given the keys to a black hearse instead of the traditional gold watch.
De Bushe, totally void of a sense of humor, was an outspoken critic of The San Juan Horseshoe, often saying its stories were garbage and its editors were drunkards. In 2009 he vehemently demanded that his name never appear in the tabloid. He also asked that no man write his obituary. It is with this last request in mind that this newspaper chronicles his passing and honors his memory.

Obituary Roundup

If you eat food from the restaurants represented herein it is likely
that you will die early. Please go as quickly and quietly
as possible so as not to cause others to take care of you.

Ronald McDonald 55, choked to death on an unprocessed piece of meat filler which had been fumigated with an unidentified cleanser of unknown origin (standard procedure). Bystanders, who froze rather than come to the aid of the hated clown, say it was a particularly gruesome death. He is survived by his off-spring, Heartburn and Diabetes.

Burger Thing, 60, trampled by a herd of South American steers on the hoof after a difficult bout with alcohol. Throne sold to pay for bus ride to Canada. Cremation coming with fries.

Wendy 21, fell to her death after sliding on a greasy kitchen floor, left unattended by an employee who cannot survive on the wages paid by this whore. Please send genetically modified hamburger buns in lieu of flowers.

Colonel Sanders, deceased or thought to be dead many years ago. If he’s dead, he’s dead. Otherwise he does not qualify for this honored roster. Good Lord…where do you suppose these white-suited fry-boys get their chicken?

Taco Belle, 56, died when she caught her hand in the razor-mined cash register and being cold-blooded, took over an hour to expire. You don’t see a lot of Mexicans eating this slop. Does that tell you anything?

Mega fast-food establishments like the above have deprived several generations of experiencing greasy spoons, corner cafes and family restaurants that add to Americana. We lose a little more of our identity and our distinction every time someone steps up to the corporate counter. RIP.

Indian Winter Astrograph

If your birthday falls this month rise to the occasion quietly. Keep gatherings within fire code and make sure most guests get home before dawn. This is a great time for romance but don’t start squeezing the invited merchandise until after the candles have been extinguished. If you already have a lover, ignore all advice from solitary wizards and lone matchmakers. Keep your oil clean and your transmission in a lower gear. Taurus may be the anchor but a windy Capricorn will help you get back to the harbor.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Avoid organic. It doesn’t fit over your snap bean ego, not to mention that drooping cauliflower ear. You actually possess one rare and abrasive eyebrow and a forced, corn-fed disposition. Bales of straw will be thy peers, moo cows thy sacred confidantes. Interrupt frustrations with reflections of natural disasters such as the emergence and evolution of humanity. If you want to get a rooster’s attention talk to him outside the hen house. Tonight: Down by the old gristmill.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Keeping your head above water is not necessarily suggested, you know…with the fins, gills, and all. You may soon be on a roll but it could be accompanied by hush puppies and slaw. Although somewhat repetitious, your life is at least predictably serene. Take time to consider options. Remember: In the land of the blind, a one-eyed man is king. Look before you bite. After all, how much cuisine can there be on the end of a hook? Attention to personal hygiene will not help bottom feeders. Tonight: Make waves.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Hopes for a raise will fall. Excess, rather than success should be your highest priority. Money will follow. How do you expect to climb the corporate ladder in sensible shoes? The basement office generally comes sans window but is the safest place to work during a tornado or hurricane. Keep a current letter of resignation in the top drawer and a bottle of cheer in the bottom right drawer. By Tuesday, it will likely be Friday before it’s Monday again. Tonight: Sleep in the shower.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Avoid the temptation to push the buttons of others especially while they are busy pulling on your chain. A cranky lover is like a one-armed trapeze artist, or maybe not. Journey outside your social circle toward your emotional rectangle or even your Spiritual Square and stop blaming others for the sad shape you are in. Open doors only when going in or out. Irrelevance is your ongoing virtue. Tonight: Keep it simple. You certainly are.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Following instincts is better than following a fertilizer wagon. Your fiery ideas are of no interest to persons still wet behind the ears. Life is one big gamble, so why not just shut up and deal? When you do get a good idea into your motivation it is often overwhelmed by the vast expanse of that flat, cranial landscape. Develop vacant lots between your ears. Collecting food stamps is an acceptable winter hobby. Tonight: Dine on Ding Dongs
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Concentrate on the dualism of mind and matter while compiling your weekly grocery list. Memories of the past should in no way compete with tendencies to fantasize about the future. Never allow stubbornness to subvert a tactical retreat when it involves frosty romance. Putting a bag over your head only serves to accentuate the rest of your shabby self. Your solar chart wants nothing to do with you either. Push yourself just a little bit harder today especially when you are near cliffs and atop tall buildings. Tonight: TV dinners until dawn.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Plan ahead since tomorrow has already made reservations. Take pain not to lap yourself before noon. The collision course that you have chosen has few pit stops. An elitist masseuse may rub you the wrong way. Follow through on passion’s promises, account for sultry details, confront the enemies of decadence. The peanut butter and jelly sandwich is not your invention. Finding the right person is like sorting socks. That’s all, sorting socks. One size almost fits all. Tonight: It’s never too early to send Christmas cards.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Sometimes it’s a thin line between laid back and laid out. Attempt some body movement so that co-workers know you are breathing. Cough, sneeze, get up and walk around your desk. Anything. You may be dull but you are certainly no candidate for an ulcer. If you seek career advancement, you must learn to take responsibility. The plants on the fifth floor need pruning. Somebody in cubicle seventeen is out of rubber bands. Tonight: Visit a thick friend.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
An explosive mixture of emotions in the air could be the result of diet. It’s better to be up for grabs than down for the count. If others want to fight help them tie their gloves. Challenge the loser. In a one-horse town, it’s imperative to carry a bucket of oats if you want a ride. If you insist on poking a hornet’s nest do so with someone else’s nose. Don’t expect a free lunch when you still have breakfast on your face. Tonight: Dine with the neighborhood cannibal.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
The path to hell is negotiated one step at a time. The Sun in Aquarius may require a building permit. Tomorrow’s conjunction of Mars and Jupiter is becoming quite disruptive and could close the liquor stores. A competitor’s footprint on the back of your head may be both indicative and disconcerting. If you love someone, spell it out. Use one-syllable words and flash cards if necessary. This is not a great time to play hard-to-get if your intention is to be got. Tonight: Vegetable oil bombs at twenty paces.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t read too much into all this astrological crap and you won’t be disappointed by dark and stormy nights and/or less than shooting stars. Relax. Take a nice long meteor shower before bed. Be careful of small-minded people in big hats through the 29th. Planetary activity in the well being sector of your chart dictates a wholehearted embrace of rapture. Hint: The sins of the flesh have nothing to do with how you like your steak. Tonight: Fired pinon nuts and milk.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
One may find it tough to jockey for position from high in the saddle or behind the horse. A bribe in the judge’s chambers is worth two on the gallows. If you do nothing at this time, you cannot create dangerous precedents for later. From the look of your chart, your social life is about to escalate. From the look of your outfit, clowns are involved. Learn the difference between unwanted repercussions and unwanted leper cousins. Tonight: Practice body slams.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe
Delphian Alchemist to the Stars

Tés verbales mercado dominan

(Manana) Una revolucionaria combinación de té verbal ha clavado una cuota de mercado de bebidas 35% después de sólo una semana en los estantes. De acuerdo con los magos de té en Terrestres Condimentos, un problema de salud a base de hierbas con sede en Colorado, el impacto inicial fue mayor de lo esperado de salir del armario desnudo por el momento.
“Tés Out ayudarán a las personas a expresar mejor a sí mismos, sus sentimientos, sus límites exteriores”, dijo Howie Chorrera, un vocero de Terrestre. “Como su nombre indica que somos de la tierra, pero mirando hacia el cosmos para nueva dirección, nueva conciencia, nuevos diseños de la bolsita de té.”
Boquilla se apresuró a señalar que Terrestre era de ninguna manera asociado con el Tea Party o cualquiera de sus partidarios.
Según la declaración oficial de la compañía, una sola taza de té verbal notablemente estimulará el uso de un bebedor de palabras de acción y pico su vocabulario oral. En experimentos de laboratorio, los investigadores encontraron que las ratas charlaban con mayor claridad y con cuidado en una conversación con otras ratas después de haber bebido un platillo de té verbal.
“A pesar de estos portadores de enfermedades, roedores destructivos cultivos no tienen lengua escrita, la comunicación dentro de las células y sectas parece bastante suave”, dijo Boquilla “y sofisticado de una manera idiomática muy evolucionado.”
Verbos, de cadáver, son los elementos básicos de la estructura de la oración que proporcionan acción y movimiento – la cafeína de la gramática. Terrestre espera quedarse con un ganador y dejar sustantivos, adjetivos y adverbios para los otros chicos.
Los tés verbales vienen en sabores surtidos y la fonética como Blackberry Tiempo Pasado y el popular Hibiscus Present-Perfect. Las mezclas de té secretas encienden la remota región de la corteza cerebral que se emplea estrictamente para el erotismo tántrico, preparación de impuestos sobre la renta y conjugar verbos.
Todos los tés son totalmente artificial y no contienen sabores naturales o ingredientes. En la tradición de Terrestre, las cajas decoradas en tonos vivos están cubiertas con dichos molestos tales como “No se puede cambiar el mundo, pero usted puede cambiar su ropa interior” y “Hoy es el primer día del desastre de su vida.”
Se anima a los aficionados al té para mantener un ojo hacia fuera para sabia proverbial té esta primavera, una cepa que calma de tés asiáticos y polares que incita a los bebedores a brotar trivialidades mal programadas y fatigosas disfrazados de directivas imperativas y declaraciones inspiradas. No podemos esperar.
– Fred Zeppelin

Mundial podría estar fuera de balas en 2020

(Colona Roundhouse Noticias – 10 de abril de 2015)
Fuentes del proyecto local Trilateral Comisión del planeta se quede sin balas en 2020. La guerra como la conocemos ahora, dice el grupo secreto, podría ser una cosa del pasado.
“Las balas han convertido en una parte de nuestra propia fibra”, dijo un miembro que exigió el anonimato. No quiero ser alarmista, pero si no se hace algo para corregir este olvido todo lo que podíamos encontrarnos mirando por el cañón de una cámara de vacío. ”
Guerra redes de grandes beneficios para un pequeño pocos y sin pequeñas balas todo el paisaje se expande y cambia drásticamente.
“¿Podemos esperar que los combatientes de enojo para volver a la lucha con lanzas y flechas?”, Preguntó, hablando ahora en la prestación de la falta de fiabilidad. “¿Qué van a hacer … tirar piedras el uno al otro?”
Aunque no se sabe exactamente cómo surgió esta crisis se piensa que alguien que gana el salario mínimo, simplemente pulsa el botón de línea de ensamblaje incorrecto o llenó una hoja de pedido de forma incorrecta.
“No creemos que esto sea una acción terrorista”, dijo la fuente.
“Integridad del hombre se levantarán cuando ha llegado el momento”, aseguró otro miembro de la comisión dictatorial. ¿Cómo crees que desarrollamos la ametralladora o la catapulta? ”
Se anima a los entusiastas de Municiones de aprender nuevas habilidades de combate, como la excavación de fosos y el empleo de aceite caliente en los parapetos. Muchas milicias más pequeñas ya han empezado a entrenar reclutas cómo lanzan pistolas y rifles a los opositores con la esperanza de golpear algo.
“Después de toda la violencia y la manipulación que nunca esperaron nuestro reino a verse amenazada por la ausencia de balas”, agregó la fuente. “Supongo que simplemente siempre pensamos que serían allí.” – Dag Katz

Ed Heads Commemorate Hero’s Passing

(Special from Crested Butte Bridal and Equestrian – March 25, 2015)
At least 400 of this town’s estimated 700 practicing Ed Heads turned out for a solemn procession today to mark the 35th anniversary of the death of Mr. Ed. A horse is a horse of course, of course but now the stable is empty.
All will miss the loveable, talking gelding. The cause of death, as reported in 1979, was mumps, which rarely affects horses. Attending physicians had expressed faith in an experimental drug that might have corrected the misguided vocal cords and ease pressure on the solid-hoof interface gallop mode that likely caused the animal’s demise.
Ed is survived by his caretakers, Wilbur and Carol, and a host of pretty ponies from Hollywood to Holyoke. He will always be remembered for his confident, bellowing voice and his phone skills. His romances with such starlets as Black Beauty, (National) Velvet and the Tennessee Mare were the talk of the corral for decades.
The memorial procession is slated to start at the Eldo, go to the Talk of the Town (one of Mr. Ed’s favorites when he was in town) then culminate at Kochevar’s Ballroom for an intimate dinner of oats and hay.
Ed could not be buried at the Crested Butte Cemetery because he was too big.
In one last attempt to honor the fallen hero KBUT will refrain from running old Mr. Ed episodes until at least the weekend. Anyone wishing to purchase drinks for Mr. Ed or any of the Ed Heads should just show up. Persons seeking Mr. Ed memorabilia should talk to any local retailer.
– Fred Zeppelin