All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"

New Highways, Free Parking To Aid Tourism

Gubernatorial Spelling Bee – Montrose, CO — April 25, 2015
Free parking in Colorado’s National Forests and on state highways will go a long way toward making tourists feel welcome this summer according to Governor John Hickenlooper. Speaking in downtown Cahone, the state’s chief executive shared plans to purchase used highways from Texas and slap a tariff on goods coming into the state from Oklahoma.
“Our current highways are terrible. They don’t stand a chance with our brutal weather,” he said. “Who in their right mind is going to bump and tumble their way from Cortez to Burlington on chuckholes, buckled asphalt and rocks?” These are topographic nightmares meant for sheep and locals not money-spending visitors.”
Funds generated from the new tariffs should be plenty to cover the new highway acquisitions. Traditionally highways don’t retain much resale value and states don’t expect to recover expenses on used roadways.
“Most are in the bargain bin or left out on some back lot to rot, or whatever old highways do,” said an aide to Hickenlooper, who had now retired for an afternoon siesta. “The simple fact remains that their used highways are far better than out new ones.”
Not only are the discarded highways coming our way, Texas is even throwing in the road signs and exit ramps. The Lone Star State is demanding a surcharge (a little extra y’all fee) on bending the highways to accommodate curves and drops of various proportions. The Texas highways will be hauled to Colorado by the millions of four-wheelers that visit the Rockies each summer.
“We hope someone takes our efforts seriously,” cuffed the aide. “We’re tired of being seen as just another hungry mouth to feed in the gravy train parade.”
Hickenlooper plans a visit to Japan in May to promote this spruced-up Colorado as a pleasant and beautiful place to negotiate by automobile. For centuries the Japanese have shown a strong preference for Utah due in part to cultural and religious ties but these norms appear to be shifting in the favor of the Centennial State. – Fred Zeppelin

Leave the Mafia Alone

(Special from The Roman Nose News Service – April 25, 2015
We are so sick and tired of watching and listening while everyone bad-mouths the Mafia. If it isn’t the feds it’s the Vatican. If it isn’t the Vatican it’s the other syndicates. Who do these people think they are fooling here? They are only jealous. With the blanket criticism they show their cards too early. They haven’t got the guts to directly criticize to the Cosa Nostra Face, the Black Hand or any other part of that anatomy.
The Mafia is a self-governing interest that always pays its bill and always collects its debts. For crying out loud that’s better than the majority of Americans and their governments too.
How many Mafia types do you see in Welfare lines? How many are on relief? None because they help their own! Maybe the feds could take a lesson (fiscal since they already employ similar tactics).
Without this wide-ranging organization who would maintain the vending machines and pool tables? Who would have invented cement overshoes? Who would decide who would sleep with the fish?
Sure they’re making immoral profits on drugs, extortion and prostitution but c’mon…someone else would do it if they stopped. Think of roses in the lapel. Think of violin cases. Think of black limos with dons and bodyguards. Ain’t it part of Americana?
Next time someone knocks the Mafia, take another look and maybe give that old time organization a fair shake or at least the benefit of the doubt.
-Melvin “Joey” Toolini

Historic Brothel Burns

(Crested Butte, Colorado – April 25, 2015) This town’s last known house of ill repute burned to the ground early Thursday morning. Hundreds watched in awe while others cried openly in the street. The Play Station, as it was last called, was located just off Elk Avenue. It had been in operation since 1889, two weeks longer than local government.
The faded landmark began turning dollars soon after the town of Crested Butte emerged from the coalfields. For 125 years it was the scene of shootings and fundraisers, poker games and pie cook-offs, funerals and celebrations.
Now all that remained were whiffs of cheap perfume/ puddles of ashy water and fire hoses. Bits of red carpet that had survived the blaze were taken as souvenirs by the mangy crowd hanging in the shadows of the inferno. Arson is expected.
“Some do-gooder got wind of what was going down and burned the place down,” said Lyle Montgomery, 99, a retired coal miner. “I remember when all we had here were mines and parlors. Now both are gone.”
Police expect an increase in traffic on Gothic Road between Crested Butte and Mt Crested Butte as a result of the fire. Fortunately the latter burgh still boasts 14 of diversionary houses within its jurisdiction.

Placerville Resident Wins Slugman Prize

First printed in Slow Newsday – Norwood, CO — April 25, 2015)

A ninety-five-year-old sheepherder, Melvin Toole, is the recipient of the coveted Slugman Award for 2014. The annual trophy and cash honor is bestowed on the person who most exhibits the positive attributes and measured metabolism of the slug (slugosis lethargopolis).
This national decoration first appeared following World War II as a working citizen citation and crept into prominence within a range of terrestrial gastropod mollusks of the genus Limex and related genera, s one might well imagine.
The most recent winner edged out all of the competition, challenging a standing world record for idleness – 15 hours and 39 minutes without so much as a wiggle or a twitch. Participants in this particular match were disqualified for falling to sleep or if they react in any way to the barrage of outside (often insulting) stimuli flung by a taunting ski crowd from behind the yellow police barriers.
Toole had no comment at the conclusion of the proceedings. His hobbies include breathing, staring at traffic and watching television.

Colona Fishing Fleet in Dry Dock Until June

The world renown Wildcat Fishing Fleet is winding down after a successful spring voyage to the Arctic. Commander Arthur Carpe of the flagship Navy Bean said most ships will be decommissioned but a few would journey south to cast their nets off the coast of Colombia. This is repeatedly recognized as one of the finest fleets on the planet. L-98 on your passport inserts. Here then are several of the more popular vessels and schedules for spring fishing expeditions.
OPEN BOATS
Outhouse Slew – Tuna only. 3 am. Don’t be late.
Dry Creek Queen – Pleasure boat. No fishing until after lunch.
Dexter Skipper – Daily trips to Nucla and Naturita. Paradox weekends.
Wahoo Catfisher – River fishing. High quantity catch. No cameras.
CHARTER BOATS
Dallas I and Dallas II – Shortfish, Walleye, Perch. Tuna salad served.
Mrs. Paul Star – Sails from Buckhorn. Flounder and cod on worms and grasshopper lures.

USFS TO PULL ASTROTURF

(Denver) The National Forests will be free of astroturf by summer according to the official word from the Department of the Interior. In a long-awaited announcement a spokesman, at the regional office here, confirmed that the removal of the dangerous material would begin as early as next week.
Before the agency can actually tear out the synthetic grass replacement, it must shoulder the task of removing snow. Although the white stuff has been sparse so far this year it is still a monumental task at best. Already gov’ment agents have combed the public houses in search of a labor force. Over 500 snowplows are expected by the weekend, many dropped from helicopters or acquisitioned from local peasants.
According to an official document the USFS says it has condemned forest floors in San Juan, Uncompahgre, Gunnison, Mesa and White River National Forests. Isolation of elusive astroturf colonies in the other forests will follow.
“We wanted to begin the demolition in areas far away from the major population centers in case we foul up the works,” said Maggie Pye, an forest service officer who admittedly has not been in the woods since 1974. “I can’t get away from my desk but I get to wear the official uniform and all,” she quipped. “I even get to carry a gun.”
The action appears to be a result of a gov’ment study on the health of animals currently residing on the federal land. Since the installation of the astroturf, knee injuries among the elk population have doubled while the lighter deer have been almost injury free under normal conditions. When it rains or snows that changes drastically.
“We’ve had more mule deer in rehab since 1985, when that carpet was added to the woodland ecology, than we had since we started counting the animals,” said Pye. “The majority of the deer suffer from knee injuries too.”
Other smaller animals, and even a black bear or two, have suffered career-ending damage as a result of the astroturf which does not give at impact.
“Just the other morning several of us watched as a snowshoe rabbit planted his paw in an attempt to elude a mountain lion, continued the source. “Then we heard a snap…it was his little knee and the rabbit was lunch. After a few years’ exposure to the elements, the astroturf turns to a slippery clay-like substance when it gets wet. We’ve no choice but to pull the stuff up or build a dome over the forest.”
With all the competition for herds in the mountain west combined with the salaries one would think the powers that be would see the disastrous affects of astroturf, adds Pye.
“Sure it’s virtually maintenance free and looks great from above but it’s only a small step up from asphalt. In addition it’s inedible and the larger mammals have trouble sleeping on it. I prefer to blame the engineering department for the whole mess.”
The original expense incurred when the astroturf was first laid came in at about $620,000. The cleanup is projected at slightly higher.
“But that takes into account inflation over the past 15 years,” said Pye. “Either way, we think it’s a good deal for the taxpayer. I just can’t wait to see the look of the bears’ faces when they wake up to real grass in the spring.”
The astroturf tailings will be stored at the Rocky Mountain Arsenal near Golden until it goes away.
– Kashmir Horseshoe