All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Doing lunch with the best company
Today I had tea in Uruguay
With a big orange cat,
and it turned into more
under a green acacia tree.
Matching whiskers I turned to the Tom and said:
Maybe there are enough mice for you
(at least for now)
But never enough for me!
Then we sat and watched birds land
and take off like windy weeds
from a crooked fence.
They test the currents and buzz the ocean,
still in their winged pajamas,
even though it was well past noon.
Erotic Rock Art Show Slated for January
(Montrose, CO — Hands of Stone Gazette — January 5, 2016)
Jack up your dormant January libido at the first ever Uncompahgre Erotic Rock Art Show to be held at the Dalton Trumbo Park here from January 22 – 31. Over 4000 specimens of naughty rocks and bawdy rock formations in all shapes and sizes will be part of the display.
Joining these lascivious pebbles and stone monstrosities will be a rare conglomeration of minerals and gases, studied intensely by geologists, and thought somehow related to the evolution of the earth.
Rock has been defined as the solid material forming part of the surface of our planet. It is usually exposed or found underlying the soil or the oceans. It is used for everything from patios to fireplaces. People employ rock as weight, filler and projectiles.
All of the boulders at the show are from the Rockies while some of the more evasive minerals have been collected from all over the world. Just what constitutes an erotic rock will be the work of a select jury of earth scientists, experts on earth’s physical structure and substance.
“Sure, anyone can identify the phallic and the sensual rocks and stones,” said one organizer of the event. “What takes the real skill, the academic separation is to see eroticism in a flat rock or a chunk that has fallen from its mother mountain. We are fortunate that we have plenty of resources right here in the Rockies. You won’t see a display of this magnitude in a place like Kansas.”
Concrete, dirt, petrified wood, compacted ash or asphalt will be considered according to the source.
“We’re looking for creative erotic art,” continued the organizer. “What looks lewd or salacious to one person may not appear that way to another. These pieces of the earth come in all shapes and sizes just like people. Preferences and carnal qualifications are often intangible even though these specimens represent down to earth stability and the foundation for all that follows.”
The show is free but an occasional booth or two may be off limits to minors.
– Rocky Flats
Still No Irish in Hell Says Cromwell
(Dublin, Ireland — Blue Eyes in the Caribbean — January 5, 2016)
The late Oliver Cromwell, a man who, in the 1600s, attempted to save the Irish peasantry from Papist domination by killing them, has confirmed that there are as yet no Irishmen in hell. The British Isle population down there, says the former Puritan despot, is made up entirely of English patricians from the middle to late 17th Century.
“It appears that we made such a successful go of things in Ireland back in 1649 that our pal Lucifer is still running short of bunk beds,” he said.
Cromwell “the Cruel” made sport of tormenting the inhabitants of Ireland, killing thousands that opposed him and sending many more Irish children into slavery in the British Caribbean colonies, before dying of communist syphilitic warts in 1658.
His roommate in hell, the former Pope Adrian (Hadrian IV) aka Nicholas Breakspeare, has the distinction of being the only Englishman to become Pontiff. Breakspeare is credited with naming Henry II of England as sovereign ruler of Ireland in 1155 and opening the door to British exploitation that lasted through 1922.
It was not clear where deceased Irishmen, who may not have made it to Fiddler’s Green (Paradise) reside these days. But they are not in hell with the Puritans according to Cromwell. The Irish, after suffering 800 years as England’s first colony appear to have greed themselves and taken flight.
“Not all of the Puritans are down here yet either,” he stressed. “Many are still among the living practicing a modern form of intolerance and control with the same old twisted warnings of evil and salvation. They feed off fear and maintain their power base with the freedoms they steal from others…even in the United States,” he smiled.
– Eamon O’Murgatroid
Cowboy Added to Endangered List
(Denver — Drugstore Melodies — January 2, 2016)
The American cowboy (eqestrianus bovinarius) is now officially endangered, having been added to the roster of species in danger of extinction according to qualified technicians familiar with this kind of thing.
A recent census has provided alarming statistics regarding what can only be called a radical demise of the cowboy population and culture west of the Mississippi. Only in Montana and Alberta have the cowpunchers shown modest gains in these aforementioned categories.
Wyoming remains stable.
Persons who walk around dressed up like cowboys (drugstorians costumarians) were not considered in the final tallies unless they overlap or are cleaned up for the weekend.
In keeping with this bleak distinction it is now illegal to hunt or trap cowboys or interfere in any way with the normal migration and survival of the endangered breed.
Persons wishing to aid in he recovery of what was once a dominant species in the West can buy beers for the downtrodden. Offering to wash a pickup or two is seen as a strong gesture of recognition too.
Also joining the infamous list this year is the rare Split-Lip Passion Monkey, a genus not documented in the Rockies since 1900.
“Although nobody has seen one of these shy carnivorous primates since the Ute left town we know they are out there,” said one biologist. “Scat and tracks not attributed to any other creature indicate they exist. Cave drawings tell the tale.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Lavish Landfill Lacks Little
(Montrose, CO — Trash and Refuse Review — January 19, 2016)
The vital Montrose County Landfill is slated to expand operations and don a new face for 2016. The facility, endearingly called the dump by its devoted clientele will now be indoors, well lighted and computerized.
The concept of a trash dome is not a new one to the landfill industry although it may be the first time many progressive elements have been employed.
“Everyone knows that the bird is the word,” chimed in one particularly tattered employee, referencing the popular 1964 classic by The Trashmen
Proponents acknowledge the cost and impact on the litter-friendly community but insist that it is the only way to keep the climate constant. Most people agree that the best dumps are those that are not windy, dusty or muddy.
The dome is designed so as to control the spread of flies by denying the bothersome insects hiding places and breeding spots that are plentiful in the open-air variety.
Becoming the first lighted 24-hour trash facility was not easy. First the county had to apply for a federal all-night license. Then there were the access fees paid to the city and the paperwork that had to be filed with the state. Happily, persistence, logic and a strong battle plan won out over a drooping bureaucracy and physical laws governing gravity and lunar intrusions.
The lights are left on by the second shift then turned off by the people that show up at 7 am to monitor the facility in daylight hours. That’s when they count the piles. Everyone knows that storage of the garbage is foremost in the blueprint and the county plans to keep cost down and overruns to a minimum by keeping precise records of what is dumped each day.
The computer system, paid for by taxpayers, runs between $300,000 and $400,000 but one of the developers of the idea has a brother-in-law in Grand Junction that can get it for 10% off. It can effectively scan a load of debris and categorize its content instantly, leaving landfill attendants free to drive around on their dozers all day.
A shopping mall, at the north entrance of the dump, complete with fast food courts and games for the kids, could be completed as early as next spring when a Grand Opening is slated.
Commemorative glassware emblazed with “Old Garbage Men Fly Longer”, “I
Love the Landfill and “I’d Rather be Dumping” are already for sale at John’s Flea and Fly at the south exit next to the cellular store and Erma’s Coiffures. The popular “Life is a Heap” T-shirts, that sold out in ten minutes last week are available exclusively through the San Juan Horseshoe, a local paper that has declared itself, among other things as “official newspaper of the Montrose County Landfill Project.”
– Mercy Plaine
Day Care Center Ends Weapon Production
(Ophir Loop – December 31, 2015)
In accordance with the termination of Cold War and the embrace of closer ties with former rogue nations the Happy Time Daycare/Arsenal will shift priorities from nuclear warheads to pencil sharpeners.
Headmistress, Ida Hopper, quickly reminded her charges that this could be only a temporary change and that if hostilities peaked once more, they should be prepared the return to their sensitive munitions work.
Happy Care is the only Co-op For Profit Daycare Center in the country. Students 2 through 9 engage in constructive play (production) for four weeks then spend the next four weeks studying swing play, drawing, learning songs, and taking their afternoon naps.
“It may take them slightly longer to graduate,” said Hopper, “but when they do they will possess years of work experience which is worth far more than some measly diploma.
– Melvin Toole
