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Horseshoe Denies Endorsement Rumors, Will Protect Sources

(Fruita) General Kashmir Horseshoe vehemently denied reports that his editorial staff planned to endorse a ticket comprised of  the late Archduke Ferdinand for President and Apple Annie Peach as Vice President of the United States in November of 2028. These candidates, representing the hopes and dreams of the Silly Old Bosnia Party of Sarajevo, have been the house guests of the publisher since March, leading to an assortment of speculations. Sources at the city desk also denied the rumors, writing them off as utter nonsense.

“Anyone with a lick of sense can see through all of this,” said one under-editor. “We remain firm in our policy not to endorses any candidate or candidates until well after the election.”

The Horseshoe remains defiant in its refusal to identify sources of news on the website sanjuanhorseshoe.com. Saying that anyone participating in growing the news deserves privacy and protection from legal action and harrassment. The satirical watchdog then highlighted a growing list of its efforts in response to yet another gov’ment demand for transparency.

“We will strive to protect our sacred freedoms and will continue providing the full spectrum of news and capsuled comment from both sides. These First-Amedndment safeguards include writers, amateur film makers, judges, eye witnesses, pollsters, whistle blowers, political eccentrics and experts voicing unpopular projections.

These courageous souls, whether real or imagined, will exercise the right to speak up, relying on this redoubt from corporate and gov’ment strong-arming. Corroborating sources will enjoy hayseed lawyers, backwater promontories and a complimentary continental breakfast as well as highly technical, quite modern methods of promoting free speech in the face on mindless tyranny. Humor works better than bulllets but only up to a point, he said.”

Bright stars at the website called the Horseshoe’s often mulish lack of compliance “one of baseline brinks on the cusp of a new world threashold that advances the agenda of all Americans. They say their struggles herein benefit society as a whole even the predatorial population and those who buy into the cesspools of ignorance churned out by elements who want to control your soul with fear and repetitive soundbytes.

In an official statement the news venue tempered its response: “We will consciensiously represent our good faith by supporting the valiant and impulsive, the staid and the contrary, be they fountainheads of information or merely peddlers of the mundane recording snippets of history in muffled whispers or methodical slapdash.”

Local fruit growers have filed a protest, demanding help in the form of increased tariffs on fruit cultivated in the Austro-Hungarian Empire.

– Fred Zeppelin