All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Toothpaste and a Buff Could Save Your Life

After perusing this periodical for a set of decades, one might begin to wonder: Will this paper ever present anything worthwhile? Something functional, beneficial and instructive for the 21st Century?
Embracing socially redeeming values and rubbing up against the common good of the great unwashed, we proudly present the first in what promises to be an endless series of condescending hints that have never been solicited from our readers. These people, just like the editors, seek the bottom of the social experiment, preferring a familiar old chair, a wisp of mountain air and a large snifter of cognac to local beer specials at the local bash roundhouse.

Buff it out!

Now then…we will undress the subject of murky automotive headlamps and one very effective way to look good and improve vision on the highway. Our engineer, Dr. Craig Mernitz of Wisconsin Institute of Mandatory Recreation, will show you how to turn fogged up, dirty headlamps into a stream of conscious light that does the job when the sun goes down.
First Mernitz shows us how to apply the toothpaste to the headlights. (Figure One) taking care to use only enough to cover the glass with a thin sheet of dried paste. Circular motion works especially considering that the light is round. Suggested time 10 minutes. (Figure Two)
After the toothpaste has dried to a crunchy crust we scrape the area with a rough sponge or course pad. Anything that creates tension but does not scratch a glass surface will work here.

Rub it in and watch the yellow disappear!

After another 10 minutes of applied scrubbing the headlamp is ready for the buffer. Simply apply tension along fault lines and the calculated radius of the bright or dim function. In no time the glass will be shining allowing for a more attractive vehicle and better vision on the highway. Alternate mechanics, clarity of purpose, along with folklore remedies and the embrace of shade-tree survival, can lead to hours of enjoyment and the elusive joys of curious accomplishment…a rousing emotional life for most of us.

Too Many Sex Change Operations Can Lead to Trouble

(Montrose, CO  —  Special to the San Juan Horseshoe)

Doctors at Consolidated Macedonian Hospital in Pea Green have issued a joint warning in response to a growing number of snafus connected to delicate sex change operations performed here.
And on the other side of the knife, the relatively new procedure has been a victim of chronic indecisiveness on the part of prospective patients who cannot make a simple decision. He or she?

Teenie Turner: “I don’t remember when it all started but I know how it ends.”

“Common side effects resulting from too many gender assimilation operations have us all quite concerned,” said Dr. Milty Sponge. “We’ve seen basic gene disorders all the way up to male and female hormone spills. Facial hair on women and overdeveloped mammary glands on men is just scratching the surface.”
Now the gov’ment is getting involved. The IRS and the Selective Service have expressed concern that the agencies might be losing track of citizens who are no longer the same sex as they were last year, or last month. Both are petitioning Congress to pass legislation aimed at charting these patients before and after surgery. Right wing legislators promised to come down hard on abusers then went to lunch while The Left scurried around to form committees to discuss the issue and send some money to somebody to take care of it.

Jane Devere after 15 sex change operations remains in limbo

The flow of American dollars to foreign hospitals has prompted a reevaluation of the issue with many health concerns dropping prices and offering package deals on amenities such pizza delivery, bingo nights and private rooms.
A no frills sex change operation costs an average of $150,000 out the door according to Sponge.
“That’s the basics, the minimum,” he said. “If any problems surface it’s ala Carte.”
A burgeoning number of lawsuits have been filed alleging malpractice and incompetence causing most surgeons to shy away from the operation. Citing moral conflict, most doctors are in reality reacting to legal ramifications and probable fiscal loss in the event that a case reaches court.
Meanwhile economists are sifting through mounds of data to ensure that men are still paid more than women for doing the same job.
“If Jack becomes Jill, she shouldn’t expect to demand the same pay as Jack, now should she?” asked Sponge. “Without federal subsidies these poor, confused souls will rob and steal to pay for their obsessions. Imagine being mugged by a man in pantyhose or woman with a pencil-thin mustache.

Lecciones Tempranas Natación No Ayuda Con Orinarse en la cama decir Docs

(Ridgway, CO – Río Amarillo de Prensa – 10 de augusto 2015)
Matriculan niños pequeños en programas de natación harán poco o nada para aliviar los síntomas de enuresis dicen los médicos de la Clínica Mao aquí. Aunque las asociaciones son claras y los vínculos son evidentes, sumergiendo los niños pequeños en el agua en la mañana no les ayudará a hacerlo a través de la noche.
Mantenerse seco en la cama y mojarse en la piscina no tienen conexión. A menudo los niños se orinan en la cama debido a traumas menores que aumentan con la culpa y el miedo a la repetición. La mayoría crecer fuera de la conducta y no debe ser presionado.
“Nuestros hijos resultan ser grandes nadadores”, dijo el entrenador Eddie Edwards, de los Marlins de Montrose. “Nunca hemos considerado ninguna otra terapia que puede estar pasando en la piscina. Mojar la cama nunca ha sido un problema, incluso con los nadadores más jóvenes. Además, ¿cómo sabemos si la condición estaba presente? Todo el mundo está empapado aquí “.
El origen de este tipo de pensamiento nunca ha sido clara. Pediatras permanecen custodiados sobre cualquier positivos que puedan surgir debido a la socialización y dormir estructura, o incluso los efectos de agua fría sobre el cuerpo humano en desarrollo.
“Las soluciones coincidentes son válidas”, dijo un investigador médico. “Pero no podemos confiar en ellos. La regla de oro aquí es la prevención. La ingesta de agua antes de acostarse y monitoreo puede ayudar. Mantener al paciente en un lugar fresco y seco. Aplicar la modificación del comportamiento. Las clases de natación, como lecciones de vuelo, clases de salsa o clases de cocina hará poco para reducir enuresis.
– Tommy Middlefinger

Many pets still without on-line service, email

(Gunnison) Despite the promises by elected officials and bureaucrats waiting for payday, a majority of pets in the United States remain computer challenged, illiterate within the Internet spectrum and completely locked out of the social media.
The travesty grows. 94% pets responding to a simple questionnaire say they have been ignored by the high tech junkies and purposely excluded from electronic communication on the grounds that they are stupid or that they cannot type or spell worth a lick.
“Should minor pitfalls prevent an intelligent dog or cat from embracing progress or function effectively in the modern world?” asked one former lion tamer turned dog walker here. Societies that bar access to beings that they consider to be a liability are always burned by the arrogance, crippled by the resentment.”
If it wasn’t already bad enough, the public schools are holding tanks for most, billionaires run the country and there are poor people wandering around Wall Street. Keeping this segment of the population in the dark will not provide for a better life on the Internet. It will not help to control spam or junk mail. It will simply discriminate against four-legged creatures, many of who would like to join the 21st Century before it’s too late.
– Rufus Maxwell

Bruins never replace divots

But how’s his short game? Black bear wanders the greens at Divide Golf Club on Log Hill Mesa

Ridgway Cologne Hits Apple

(Pleasant Valley —  August 10, 2015) Virgin batches of Uncompahgre Spring and Cow Creek Obsession dominate the shelves in New York City. The regional and fractionally distilled liquids sell out in minutes, allowing the experimental perfume to blaze its place among metaphorical abstractions worldwide.
And its all concocted using seasonal recurring natural resources recycled after intricate exposure to just enough sun and rain. The only real expense, besides shipping and marketing, is the cooking apparatus and, of course the little glass bottles and pretty stoppers.
The exotic fragrance, hydro-diffused and steam distilled, uses a blend of natural and indigenous elements found on the ground in local parks after the snow melts. The national interest in things Western and rustic is booming at present, as indicated by the burgeoning sales figures. Some 73,000 bottles (at $150 per ounce) were sold almost before the fashion accessory exhibit opened for business before the weekend.
Uncompahgre Spring is crafted from the fiery waters of thermal dimension. Combined with volatile liquids and the compacted variables harvested from the thawed, soggy ground at just the right time, the perfume relies on bark, moss, leaves, seed, discarded opinions, decomposed fertilizers (domestic and wild) and pine needles.
The much-anticipated Cow Creek Obsession on the other hand, relies on aromatic compounds from assorted plants, interspersing a floral, musk-like fragrance to make its statement on the scented runway of high fashion. Both aromas overflow with uncontrolled passion, the level of which puts the wearer on the verge of collapse, of total destruction.
“This fragrance burns down the house,” said Rudy Morenci, who first began blending aboriginal materials in his barn in 1980. “This ain’t no toilet water,” stressed the happy-go-lucky, pearly handled, tobacco-spitting, cowpuncher that often rides the range in front of the local drugstore.
“It’s a mystery to me how these people can afford to buy little bottles of smell good juice,” laughed Morenci, Tuesday’s breakfast still prominently displayed on Friday’s grizzly beard.
“I think some of them is drinking the stuff.”
Morenci told investors that, upon the receipt of his first royalty check he would dig a hole and bury his clothes.
“I’m going to have 200 horses and one cow. Then I’ll start living the good life,” he said.