All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Reverend Lauds Valhalla as White Heaven

(Hell, Norway) A strip mall evangelist last night told his dripping flock that heaven wasn’t for everyone, especially if you happen to be of color. Rev Arthur H. Snow, a lifestyle polygamist and legendary cakewalk anchor, further contended that the name of the place was not Heaven at all, but was called Valhalla.

“Valhalla is definitely a gated community and only admits Aryans and other Northern Europeans,” he said, offering no further resource for his claims. “Jesus was a Visigoth and Valhalla is his home,” continued Snow. “Look at all the pictures of him. He’s white. He ain’t no Semitic. He’s not even Italian. He just has a nice tan from spending all that time preaching in the desert and such.”

At that a discomforting quiet came over the room as the assembled had never heard of Visigoths and were not sure they liked them. The name sounded evil.

“Don’t worry about marauding Visigoths,” Snow added quickly. “They were once barbarians but now their Christians and little buddies of the Lord.”

A sigh of relief was heard as the congregation smiled contentedly at the news that another pack of pagans had seen the light. They waited, arms folded in their faithful laps for another outburst from their favorite cleric. The collection plate made its way around the room and Snow cleared his throat for another go-round.

According to the reverend in a closing sermon, all this ashes-to-ashes and dust-to-dust status did not apply to the chosen assembled here.

“Sinners and non-believers will face the ashes and dust judgment,” he decried, “You bet…but the faithful can take their bodies, bank accounts, guns, even their cars to this promised land of milk and honey.”

-Jim Crow

WHO warns: Do not let politicians kiss your baby

(Brazzaville, Congo) The World Health Organization has released a statement warning parents as to the dangers of allowing their off-spring to be kissed by politicians.

The caveat, made public as part of a United Nation’s effort to control outbreaks of cholera, yellow fever, malaria and stupidity denounces the age-old custom of candidate affection toward persons too young to vote.

“Do you want someone who spends the entire day avoiding the truth and making up lies kissing your kid?” asked Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of Panties Without Borders. “I for one choose to keep my off-spring away from these scalawags. I’d sooner brush lips with a water buffalo than one of these sycophants looking for an easy paycheck.”

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Vodka Shares Stabilize

(Moscow Mule) Amid fears of major setbacks affecting the international spirits exchange, vodka has rebounded nicely on the wet circuit overriding gin and bourbon on this month’s swilling board.

Despite deteriorating political conditions at the core of production, consumers appear to be lined up behind the product setting free a flourish of positive response and enthusiastic imbibing. Vodka Nose, a common symptom of overindulging, has either been downplayed by persuasive sources or blamed on Poland.

“We will not take responsibility for vodka nose while inferior products continue to flood the market,” said a source in Russia. “Like champagne the only true vodka comes from our grain and our potatoes.”

The Spud Market, already heard-pressed due to what officials called the Turnip Effect, has been escalloped over the past decade and it’s a relief to see that there are some strengths that remain despite half-baked beliefs that threaten to boil over and engulf the starchy, tuberous staple commodity.

When contacted to further explain the attack on Polish vodka Russian leaders where too busy hacking, flattering, snooping, doping, spying, denying, courting, jousting and at least 50 more ing actions to respond at this time. According to the Kremlin a full disclosure would be forthcoming as soon as sensitive encounters could be whitewashed and potentially incriminating evidence distorted.

Peasants in all affected countries were encouraged to drink up and not worry knowing that leaders had their best interests at heart.

– Suzie Compost

Alien Landing Postponed

(Houston) Sources at NASA say projected alien landings were postponed so as to avoid conflicts with the holidays and that earthlings should be prepared for coordinated visits in late January.

     According to data collected from satellites in outer space the aliens plan to land in Canada sometime in mid-winter. After securing a beachhead they will head south. Other contingents will focus on Europe and Asia.

     “We have no idea if these are friendlies or if they intend to take over the planet by force,” said one scientist, “But the fact that they showed restraint over Christmas is a good sign.”

     Doomsdayers disagree saying that the coordinated attack plans were still not formulated and that the aliens prefer a systematic, coordinated effort aimed at dominating the earth and its residents.

     “We don’t think these beings are coming here to bring us fruit baskets,” said the member of one militant group who, along with his cohorts is stockpiling ammunition in apprehension of a battle of some sort.

     A jumbled transmission, interrupted by space agencies here also suggests that the alien activity is of a social nature.

     “We think the intruders are no more than alien college kids coming here for spring break,” said a press release received this morning. “In which case they may not be warriors at all but more along the line of party animals looking for a good time. In this case we should have about two months to prepare for their coming.”

My favorite people in Jardin, Colombia

Las damas de helado…The ice cream ladies. Always a smile, always scooping delicious ice cream to feed my dessert fantasies. Chocolate, vanilla or rocky road? Have a seat on the plaza and enjoy yours! Number one stop in Antioquia.

Trump-ridden newly accepted in Webster’s

(Washington) A beaming Donald Trump puffed up and thanked supporters, adding that he, more than almost anyone, belonged in the dictionary.

“I am the best person for the honor,” he smiled. “I am the first President to have a dictionary word named after him. Even O’Bama didn’t do that. It’s a great accomplishment.”

Trump-ridden although not particularly gracious, gives Trump much needed attention in the arena of the inteligensia, another word in the dictionary often lost under exuberant red caps.

The term Trump-ridden is used as an adjective in the following sentence: FCC Reclassifies a Trump-ridden FOX News as a “dishonest, raw opiate” despite row by Jeff Sessions.

The White House has only recently criticized the attorney general for disloyalty.

Trump further welcomed the inclusion by announcing the a military parade will be organized in his honor to celebrate the great feat.

Dictionary tribute provides distraction, masks voyage

(Milwaukee) Moments after a swaggering President Trump began his monologue about dictionary inclusion and greatness, a small convoy of yachts began landing near St Petersburg. Over 200 Republicans and their families surrendered their ocean-going vessels and walked ashore.

This was the Ryan-McConnell Flotilla, an armada that had been seen setting sail from Washington in the middle of the night. For most of the pilgrims it was the first time, excluding Cancun and Niagara Falls, they had set foot out of the United States

Greeted by top officials from the Kremlin, the immigrants will reside the Russia so as to avoid prosecution for treason in the United States. Many have applied for diplomatic immunity, refugee status and outright asylum. Putin is expected to greet his comrades at a state dinner in Moscow on Friday.

In the chaos to escape the cold, several smaller craft sank in the choppy seas ceding untold tons of gold to the Baltic Sea. Three unidentified members of the House were feared lost in the attempt to recover the loot. They were immediately replaced from a nearby bait bucket, thoughtfully brought on board by a competitive bass fisherman from the Midwest, who had hoped to “land a caviar or two.”

Although promised luxury accommodations in St Petersburg, the Tory cluster will instead be housed in the village of Krasnoyarsk, 220 kilometers northwest of the Mongolian border “until they assimilate into the Russian culture” according to party officials quite familiar with this sort of thing.

Meanwhile, the Integrity Index, a measure that determines good and evil in public servants jumped 67 points with the departure of the Congressmen. Several Democrats, invited to go along on the sojourn, declined the offer in that they could not swim and had to wash their hair that evening.

– Gabby Haze