All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Pew Poll Robs Peter to Pay Paul
(Montrose) In the most recent Pew Poll, taken at local kneeling places over the weekend, Good holds a narrow margin over Evil. Principals in the polling admit that their survey is not entirely scientific since it targets faithful kneelers who are regular visitors and users of the religious apparatus.
“People with knees or feet sticking out cannot be counted, nor can people who are standing or sitting,” said one pollster. “Them that stayed in bed or don’t go to church at all have been written off and no consulted at all on these matters.”
Good, generally represented by a Supreme Power netted a 51% approval rating compared to Evil, represented by Demonic Darkness filed a 46% response. A surprising 3% remain undecided as of Monday morning.
“It’s difficult to comprehend how anyone could be undecided with all the publicity and everything,” continued the pollster who conceded that absentee ballots from beyond the grave would not be counted until after next week’s sermon entitled “Exporting Democracy”.
Although the polls have been conducted exclusively in Christian domains researchers insist they are valid.
“Some of the pagans have complained that the choices are far too limited,” said the poll source. “They’d like to see all the Hindu gods represented or maybe the Sun and the Moon as well. I’m just glad the enlightened are masterminding these returns or we’d have anarchy at the altar.”
At present respondents have the choice between God and Lucifer, with the other members of the metaphysical elite taking a back seat. Unless something major goes down between now and the final appraisal experts expect things to remain about the same.
“We’ve got a Supreme, all-powerful being who can’t seem to shake his adversary from the depths while the Evil One is impotent just so long as the Good Guy is on the heavenly throne,” said the pollster. “It’s a constant struggle that takes place in the heart of every human, every day. A stalemate of these proportions is unthinkable yet horns have been locked since First Light. It’s no wonder people are confused.”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Horseshoe to open bureau on Mars
(Hellas Basin) The San Juan Horseshoe has announced that it will merge existing journalistic efforts, synchronizing control of most media west and south of Noachis Terra the scene of recent unrest on the Red Planet. The news bureau will be responsible for daily news, peppered with a few feature pieces relating to the burgeoning populations of Lunea Planum.
Thanks to the efforts of Pathfinder and Viking I the popular website will be available to anyone with Internet access. It is seen as a diplomatic gesture aimed at combating the influence of Russia and China who have stationed a skeleton crew of reporters on Venus and Saturn respectively.
Although no decision has been reached on the editor position most polled say it will be Roo Glant, a Japanese-Martian, a stickler on political analysis with extensive experience covering and interpreting galactic policy.
The bureau will include news, weather and sports as part of the daily while the impressive retinue of scribes is sure to dazzle readers all the way to Pluto.
“It’s a grand day for press freedoms,” said one reporter. “From up here it’s easy to see what’s going on down on our mother planet. Let’s hope we’ve learned not to make the same mistakes up here.”
The page is accessible through www.sanjuanhorseshoe.com/martianbureau.
It’s just those progressives building another stupid pyramid
“Don’t pay these pyramid-building elitists any attention. We have far more important and better things to do: Let’s sacrifice a calf to the Sun God and make Egypt great again.”
Ghost of Elvis Sets Hot Springs Tour
(Ouray) An upsurge in reported sightings of the Ghost of Elvis is a clear indication that he about to embark on the annual Hot Springs Tour according to parapsychologists here. Some 30 appearances of the hip-swaying apparition have been chronicled since the first of the year, up 75% since December.
“Elvis is the eternal showman,” said Dr. E. B. Tinkleholland, chair at the Table Mountain Institute in Boulder. “He knows better than to try to compete with other celebrity energy is in the air. In death as in life The King seeks center stage,”
Residents here say Elvis has visited both Box Canyon and the Wiesbaden with short touchdowns at Orvis and the Hot Springs Pool after dark. Guests and staff at these facilities say that the phantom has yet to submerge itself into the water preferring to hover above dressed in a plaid kilt, bow tie and white dress shirt. Although harmless to date the spirit has created quite a stir when popping up among unsuspecting soakers.
“We were sitting in the pool at about dusk when the wind picked up and some light snow began to fall,” said one guest at Orvis Hot Springs near Ridgway. “Suddenly a shadowy figure appeared across the water, maybe ten feet away. He was singing the familiar “Are you lonesome tonight?” to all of the ladies present. As one might imagine the visit created quite a stir and the pool emptied quickly.”
The Ghost of Elvis near a pool at Bath, England in 2004. Parapsychologists in Colorado have been charting reported sightings in hopes of more closely monitoring ghostly movements attributed to The King this winter. While most behavior is quite predictable the phantom’s attempts to make a fashion statement with traditional plaids have thrown researchers for a loop.
Employees there say that upon closer examination they found nothing stranger than usual going on and concluded that whomever was singing had vacated the premises.
“We’re up to our necks in celebrities, “said one woman at the front desk. “It’s a normal occurrence and most of them attempt to disguise themselves so as to avoid unwanted publicity or attention. Besides in the San Juans these days everyone is a celebrity of some sort.”
She went on to admit that arriving in such a cadaverous state was a nice touch and that the special effects were quite impressive.
“We just wish he would have paid like everyone else,” she frowned.
If the ghost follows the agenda of past years he will spend about a week hanging around Ouray County before traveling to Dunton Hot Springs in Dolores County and Juanita Hot Springs, east of Gunnison. By February fans may have an excellent chance to see Elvis near Valley View at Saguache and Mt. Princeton Hot Springs in the Collegiate Range.
“We can’t guarantee anything,” said Tinkleholland. “Elvis has always had a mind of his own.”
Experts say this year’s ghost seems quite different than the spirit that visited last winter.
“In 2017 the Ghost of Elvis was angry, even vengeful, presumably over the settlement of his estate and the continued pirating of recordings in Third World countries,” said Tinkleholland. “At present he seems to have put these annoyances behind him and is a more lighthearted apparition.”
Despite mounds of data collected over the years and surveys conducted all over the globe researchers remain baffled as to the attire of this year’s Elvis.
“Where’s the glitter? asked the doctor. “We’ve never seen him in kilts before but the name Presley could be of Celtic stock. “It’s either that or he’s developed a fetish for parochial school uniforms. And what’s with the knee socks?”
Great Moments in Crested Butte Dog Court
Prosecutor: And we can prove that on the night of June 4,1987 that this transient mongrel, Spot, did willfully mess on Elk Avenue right in front of a group of tourists who were reportedly carrying as much as $1000 on their persons.
It is further noted that Spot has will fully attempted to sabotage the efforts of the Crested Butte and Mt. Crested Butte Chambers of Commerce and Governor Hickenlooper’s “Dome of the Range” program…
Defense: Objection, your honor. Spot doesn’t even know Governor Hickenlooper. We have no malice here…
Spot: Woof:!
Judge: I find the defendant guilty on all counts and sentence him to two days in the pound and fifty hours of public service. Can you handle a shovel son?
Spot: Woof, Woof!
Horizontal Zoning Revives Red Light District
(Crested Butte) This once bawdy brothel row may be making a comeback here and everyone isn’t happy about it. According a referendum narrowly passed in the last election and a series of piggy-back amendments to the holy charter, discrimination based on profession or occupation is now illegal within town limits.
The controversial horizontal zoning regulations make it clearly legal to operate a house of ill repute, or brothel, just so long as the management adheres to long established town ordinances. The houses will not be allowed on Elk Avenue, must be painted purple as prescribed by BOZO. They must purchase a license and follow strict and hours of operation as set by the local council.
Many residents see this particular development as a return to the old days and add that, despite the conservative side of the population, this kind of monkey business had always been here since the mining days. Seeing the houses as historically significant, they say prostitution should be grandfathered in and made legal just like real estate transactions, ski area development and the creation of subdivisions.
Detractors say the profession is immoral and that they will not stand for it here.
“We will not be a part of any consummation of this type with common courtesans, their entourage or anything else that sounds French,” said Abner Cole, of Peanut Lake. “We already have enough distraction here with the hippies. Derelicts that would use a service of this type already have bars, dancing and liquor stores. What makes them think that just because brothels are a normal part of almost every society in the world that we should tolerate them here too?”
Horizontal zoning plan calls for the parlor houses to be restricted to Belleview Avenue and at least 200 feet from public lands or access points. No flashing lights or loud music will be tolerated and no liquor may be consumed on the specific property during hours of operation. Already parking overflow problems are being undressed and flower boxes are in place.
“Let’s look at this proposal with both eyes open.” blinked one councilman, Cyrus Klopps, “Horizontal zoning is good for Crested Butte. It allows for a tremendous tax base, it creates jobs and it gives the tourists something to do besides eating, skiing, eating and watching TV in their rooms at night.
“We must stop dragging our heels on this libertine issue,” he continued. “The place is so damn vertical now that it drives a lot of us nuts.”
A brainchild of allegedly enlightened town planners, horizontal zoning restricts certain types of service businesses from the main street and encourages more retail space. This kind of zoning creates diversity and allows for more restaurants and boutiques in the center of town.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
