All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
GARDENING MAGAZINES CAN LEAD TO DEPRESSION IN HIGH COUNTRY
High Altitude Blues
(Dallas Divide) Reading gardening magazines this time of the year can lead to serious depression according to a local psychologist. People who habitually peruse these glossy periodicals run the risk of embracing serious doldrums after looking at pictures of colorful flowers and green grass, then glancing outside at leftover, often discolored, windswept snow.
“The safest way to handle this potential problem is to wait until about May or even June to examine these magazines,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a local circuit shrink whose practice spans an area from Lizard Head Pass to Sargents. “Every year, despite our frank warnings, we treat more and more people for this malady.”
Pennywhistle says that the condition often surfaces as early as February, after the first warm weather descends on the area.
“These spectacular days are nothing but teasers, as most of us know,” he said, “but somehow our subconscious convinces us that winter is over and summer is on the way. This is dangerous ground on which to proceed, even if it is beginning to thaw out.”
Pennywhistle suggests that gardening enthusiasts pull the drapes and stay inside if they feel compelled to expose themselves to these drastic contrasts. He suggests daily sessions with all kinds of of fertilizer followed up by nightly soil inhalants.
Adding that the practice of sending more chronic cases to the Amazon for a month has worked in the past but that newer, more potent, cases of the blues have began surfacing a few years ago.
“Geographical therapy is less and less effective. This depressed state is not good for other people and plants who have to deal with this sadness on a day to day basis either. It affects entire communities. If the truth be known, I prefer that my clients stick to snowmobile and skiing magazines until at least the Fourth of July .”
– Fred Zeppelin
“Would that the Roman people had a single neck” (to cut off their head) – Emperor Caligula (Gaius Caesar)
WYOMING EXPANDS FOOD CHAIN, FLAUNTS THE EXOTIC
(Cody, Wyoming) Wilderness voices today declared that Wyoming will be the first state to introduce large marsupials* to the western United States. In introducing antilopine kangaroos to its wide-open spaces the Cowboy State continues a tradition of bronco rides in the local legislature as well as on the national stage.
Readers may recall that Wyoming was the first state to pass women’s suffrage in 1869.
The inclusion of kangaroos, wallabies, and koalas would really expand an already diverse cross-section of mammals prowling the place, according to people who spend a lot of time outside in the wind.
The prize acquisition, the kangaroo is known to be tough with his feet, making the species a good bet to survive in the summer, and then migrate to Arizona in the winter.
Wallabies differ from ‘roos in that they burrow and hibernate in their little pouches, often not rising until the Fourth of July. They are the meanest animals on the planet and represent a formidable challenge to hungry wolves and mountain lions. The common Bunbury wallaby is related to Rocky Mountain marmot on their mother’s side of the family.
Koalas, on the other hand are cute and withdrawn. They should enjoy eating all of the eucalyptus trees that cover more than 70% of the territory. The panda-like bear are known to appreciate a nice chicken fried steak, wild asparagus pie, biscuits and gravy, camp beans and a cold beer every so often.
Already some 200 inmates from special plea bargain units of several state prisons are at work building wind fences, securing gated communities and drilling oil wells in apprehension of the needs of their new neighbors. By the time most of these men are released from prison the species should be well entrenched in the region.
“If this experiment goes well we will be in line to adopt several Tasmanian Devils that, in addition to bringing the grace and good taste of Down Under are said to be a hoot on Saturday night,” continued the source. “Lord knows we could use a little excitement around here in April.”
*Of course there are an assortment of opossums on every corner in North America and let us not forget the tiny Biting Microbiothera that is attracted to synthetic fibers and snap beans. This could but probably does not include the more erotic Delphian strains but certainly not bandicoots and bilbies.
– Billy Mosca
Trump races to fire Stormy Daniels
As the sun came up over the Potomac the President announced that he was firing porn star Stormy Daniels, “America’s Sweetheart”, and Jack Daniels too.
Insiders had expected him to appoint Daniels to a safe, placating post within a wavering ethics committee or special liaison to the evangelical element that didn’t even raise and eyebrow to their man’s perverted behavior.
Last night Trump fired the Alfonso, the White House gardener, that brought about an outrage.
“At least he was working. Everyone else on the WH staff just runs around in acceptable circles, afraid for their jobs,” said a slew of Washington watchdogs.
The proposed dismissal, which has no bearing on reality, creates another problem since many males in his base fantasize about Stormy while they sip Jack.
“He is a still a hero to these people,” said a recent Democratic Part release, “because he does what he wants and he is white.”
In a related development, Trump say they will contest a restraining order prohibiting visits to the Statue of Liberty over continued sexual harassment claims.
– Small Mouth Bess
Yuppie Anazazi To Blame For Demise of Mesa Verde?
(Mancos) Young, urban, professional cliff dwellers are being blamed for the passing of the native American culture at Mesa Verde according to archaeologists and doctors here. Basing their theories on a recent dig which netted what most believe to be an early local, the scientists seem convinced that the ancient mystery can now be resolved.
“The upwardly mobile Anazazi sought to acquire second homes, sophisticated time keeping devices, pure-bred dogs, expensive foreign transportation and private schools for their children,” said Dr. Melvin Tool, Medical Director of the Far View Institute just west of here. “This obsession with material goods on the part of the more affluent caused a riff in the social infrastructure and growing resentment among the poorer Anazazi who were sentenced to scraping out a living growing corn, hunting and making jewelry.”
Tool, who is best known as the surgeon who first transplanted the brain of a human into the head of an ape, said the situation at Mesa Verde in about 1100 was much like that of our urban centers today.
“Everyone was abandoning the decaying cliff dwellings for the security of the suburbs,” he shrugged. “How do you think Cortez was founded. Once the wheel is set in motion it is tough to stop it from turning and, make no mistake about it, the Anazazi, like their casino-happy Ute descendents of today, had discovered the wheel!”
When coupled with his analogy to the urban centers Tool’s vast experience with apes comes into play like a runaway hockey puck at an orthodontist’s convention.
Tool writes: “Some three to four hours after we placed the brain of the human into the cranial cavity of the ape a major metamorphosis ensued. The ape, once content to eat bananas and swing on his lonely swing now wanted more. He threw his food at his handler, refused to perform cute tricks and demanded to see a lawyer! After a few days he began abusing his charge card and seeing a therapist. After a week he was a fully reconditioned neurotic much like the man he had almost become.”
The physician equates the behavior of the greedy Yuppie Anazazis to the behavior of the frustrated ape with the newly acquired human brain. With further experimentation Tool and his colleagues hope to isolate extended patterns of abnormal behaviorisms and thus develop a treatment which might deter this conduct in the future.
“We’ll be needing about a truckload of volunteer apes with human brains,” winced Tool, “since it is still illegal to perform experiments of this type on yuppies. If we are successful we might be able to determine the origin of greed in man and make a U-turn on the road to destruction.”
-Princess Irm Peawit
“It’s not just the GOP’s position on pot that is a problem for younger voters. Virtually everything it does offends their sensibilities. Trump pulled out of the Paris climate accord, wants to ban transgender people from the military, is vehemently anti-immigrant (legal and illegal), approved the Muslim ban and a plan to punish so-called sanctuary cities, and tore up net neutrality. His treatment of women is yet another strike against him.”
– Jennifer Rubin writes the Right Turn blog for The Washington Post, offering reported opinion from a conservative perspective. Follow @JRubinBlogger
Animal Advocates Up In Arms Over Llamas As Caddies
(Ridgway UPS) Members of the Colorado Butane Society and the ASPCACA are planning a demonstration to protest the use of llamas as caddies at a nearby golf course. The groups will stage a sit-in on Highway 62 on Saturday mornings during tourist season, Tuesday evenings during moose season and both Saturdays and Tuesdays during combined owl season. Coffee and brownies will be served.
“Imagine, if you will,” said Honey Melborne, of the highly flammable Butane group, “innocent llamas being forced to carry golf clubs around with only a drink of water and some oats for their trouble. It’s unfair! We abolished slavery in 1863!”
An unreliable source at a Cedaredge pro shop told the Horseshoe that a visibly disoriented Melborne got on the wrong bus in Boulder, back in June, headed west and has been hanging around Delta since then.
“The woman is nuts,” he said demanding animosity. “The llamas really enjoy their new chores here. Why do these people want to ruin it for them anyway?”
Melborne, who claims she is perfectly sane, says her group will keep up the pressure until they liberate the llamas.
“It’s bad enough the town allows llamas to tend bar and sell real estate,” she countered, “but the blatant use of llamas as pack animals is a crime against nature.” – Kashmir Horseshoe
Did you know…
“Gunnison was named after some drunk that abused the natives. Meeker was named after a twisted preacher who attempted to convert the Utes to the ways of the white man. Olathe was named after a town in Kansas after Chief Colorow fell from favor with the honkies. This is pathetic enough, but when one considers that Montrose was named after a minor character in a Sir Walter Raleigh novel the dirty laundry emerges. How could people be so lethargic what with all the great politicians and country & western celebrities to choose from.”
– Small Mouth Bess, in her book Misunderstood Small Towns of the American West
“If you don’t go to their funeral they won’t come to yours.”
-Yogi Berra
Passing the Buck a Luxury No More
The United States may have finally run out of bucks to pass according to a source in the Treasury Department who is familiar with these kinds of measures. After almost 250 years of pointing the finger, skirting the issues, placing the blame and scapegoating, the nation appears to have exhausted its supply of bucks to pass.
According to calm heads within the agency the crisis has been mounting for centuries then it exploded in the 80s and 90s when nobody seemed willing to take responsibility for anything. The demand soon outgrew the supply and we began importing our bucks.
By 2010 a serious trade imbalance had emerged threatening rationalization, honesty and integrity all over this great land. Now more half of all bucks consumed originated in foreign lands, leaving us woozy and depleted as well as culturally bankrupt.
“Does this mean people will have to look in the mirror?” asked one militant liability accountant at the Pentagon. “Does this mean our budgets will be scrutinized by independent committees? We have been performing well with other branches of the government. The whole rotting system supports even encourages the passing of the buck.”
While the most blatant buck passing is documented within federal walls, state and local leaders have been guilty of the practice too, saying that they often have no recourse due to decisions made by the higher ups in the chamber.
“But it is not fair, conclusive or rehabilitative,” said the source, “to blame these omissions and infractions solely on elected officials and their appointees when we have millions engaging in similar acts every day.
“Passing the buck is not like musical chairs or pin the tail on the honky, harmless games for children. This manifestation of chronic irresponsibility teamed with Me First thinking is pounding and ramming at the gates of our souls. Morality under siege because no one is willing to secure the castle gate.”
– Susie Compost
“Don’t have to think. Don’t need to choose. Just listen to my preacher and mainline Fox News.”
- from Song of Republicanus, 2018
