All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
IRS Offering Ribs in Lieu of Refunds
(Ogden, UT) The Internal Revenue Service, in an apparent attempt to relieve the personal debt ceilings, has instituted a flagship program which offers taxpayers baby-back pork ribs instead of refunds.
The ribs, available only to persons who have earned a tax refund will be sent out just like other correspondence from the Treasury Department, arriving late, and probably cold. Already jokes about pork barrel politics and pigs at the trough are circulating major government centers. Earned income credit cannot be applied in a piggyback fashion as it has in other years.
“Recent tax cuts for the wealthy dictate that we too must cut back when it comes to refunding moneys,” said Shirley Turnip of the IRS.
Persons interested in receiving the food should fill out one of the Ribs Instead of Refunds forms available right next to Selective Service questionnaires at local post offices. Respondents must clearly state whether they prefer sauce or dry-cooked ribs, how they like them done and if they prefer potato salad to cole slaw.
“Once we get the fire going it will be too late for substitutions,” said Turnip.
Meanwhile the IRS has filed a final decision as to the status of sun worshipers residing in this country, saying that since the practice is not recognized as a legitimate religion and therefore these parties must file taxes in accordance with the existing laws.
“A few hunhred scrawls o’ chaps with a couple o’ guns and Rosary beads, again’ a hunhred thousand thrained men with horse, fut an’ artillery…and he wants us to fight fair!”
– Sean O’Casey in The Plow and the Star (1926)
MANY EASTER EGGS STILL UNACCOUNTED FOR
Traditionalists Yolked Over Alleged Cover-Up
(Montrose) More than a two weeks after a massive search and seizure operation nationwide, many Easter eggs remain missing. This chilling information has surfaced amid an official gov’ment position that all of the brightly colored eggs have been located and are in custody at press time.
Of the more than 4.3 billion eggs estimated to have been hidden in the United States alone on Saturday, April 19, an impressive 4 billion have been recovered, mostly by small children, leaving roughly 3 million listed as missing in action. Gov’ment sources would neither confirm or deny details gathered and placed at their feet. None would return phone calls as of the weekend.
“What we have here is an attempted cover-up, an evil game of hide and seek,” said citizen’s advocate Bertie Libb, known more for her rosy red hair and bottle blonde complexion than for her ability to count. “Despite vacancies at all levels we will continue to embrace the Bill of Rights.”
That document, one of the American artifacts falling victim to Patriot Act looters of late, has been attributed to the stinging pen of the Easter Bunny, a known meglo-maniac and member of the Rhode Island Communist Party. He is reportedly being held in a black and white room at the Guantanamo Gulag awaiting trial on charges of treason and littering.
“He tried to vote for Al Gore in 2000,” said a former supporter who now heads up the Pea Green Homeland Security Agency “Terrorism comes in all shapes and colors. We must be ready to defend our freedoms and kill people who disagree with us.”
Gov’ment officials prefer to use the term undetermined when dealing with eggs, as well as collateral civilian battlefield casualties, because more and more Americans don’t care and cannot do simple math.
“Why hit them with staggering figures on the evening news and ruin their supper,” said one of the President’s college buddies, now Ambassador to Kuwait. “Undetermined is a softer, more gentle approach to calculations that will only be forgotten when tangled up with the real life interaction common to the evening’s popular sit-coms.
Critics of the Easter Egg hunt say it’s just an attempt to divert the nation from a top-heavy, crumbling economy.
“Accusations that the Easter Bunny has links to rodent groups is poppycock,” said Libb. “Sure he dated Yassar Arafat’s younger sister but that doesn’t dictate his politics. It’s the whistle blowing over Enron scandals that has gotten his cotton tail in hock. By the time he gets out of jail he’ll be one old rabbit.”
Security forces have promised to kick down doors from California to Maine in search of the missing eggs.
In a related piece the entire Democratic wing of the United States Congress has also been reported missing since the War on Terror was stepped up following the 9/11 attacks. According to surviving pages in the Senate, the Democrats are keeping their collective heads down so as to avoid fall-out from manufactured public opinion and claims of glorious victories over world terrorism.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“It will be a war between the elephant and the tiger. If the tiger ever stands still the elephant will crush him with his mighty tusks. But the tiger does not stand still. He lurks in the jungle by day and emerges only at night. He will leap upon the back of the elephant tearing large chunks from its side and then he will leap back into the deep, dark jungle. Then slowly, the elephant will bleed to death. That will be the war in Indo-China.”
– Ho Chi Minh to American journalist, David Shoenbrun, September 11, 1946.
Bears Waking Up in High Country
Black bear all over the Rockies are waking up for the summer. Many need furniture. If you have anything to donate please drop it in front of any bruin-proof debris container in your town. And please hold the noise down until 7 since the animals often like to sleep in on weekends.
Tenure Records Gone
Missing Link to the Past Nets Legitimacy Chaos at WSCU
(Gunnsion) Verification of faculty tenure at Western State University is pretty much anyone’s guess these days with the disclosure that the Tomichi Tenure Tabernacle has been misplaced. Blamed on maintenance personnel, the loss could affect future class loads,publishing merits, academic contracts and research grants.
“It was here just the other day,” said one administrator who only gave her name as Doctor someone.
The arch, or tabernacle as it is called by the faithful, was moved once in 1999 due to the threat of a forest fire in the region and again when the Hell’s Angels came to Gunnison in 2010.
“Since we are a state institution we must adhere to state regulations when it comes to fire,” said the administration spokesman. “That means we have to keep at least two buckets of tepid water and a folding shovel at hand. As far as pacifying motorcycle gangs goes there is no one of staff with that kind of expertise.”
Many think the data was lost during the recent transition from college to university status since mounds of records were tossed and ancient files hauled to the dump.
Tenure is the magic status that allows faculty members to do whatever they want without having to answer to the people who write the checks at the college. Some students have attained a kind of backdoor tenure at WSCU by taking six or seven years to complete a four-year curriculum.
A strip search, planned for on-campus dorms was canceled Friday after threats from the Civil Liabilities Union. Legend has it that the tenure records were engraved on two sets of stoned tablets believed to be sent down from W Mountain (www.mountain.com) after one football coach or the other led the Department of Kinesiology out of slavery at Adams State College (splitting Blue Mesa in two in a diversionary tactic aimed at approaching Gunnison from the west). Unlike its rather weak and suspicious Red Sea counterpart the entire incident was filmed by a fisherman from Oklahoma who has reportedly been indicted for blackmail and employing live bait in a restricted area.
A popular film, entitled The Ten Regents loosely chronicles the event. It stars Charlatan Festoon and will be presented during NRA Week on campus in October.
A reward in the form of tuition credits is offered for the return of the sacred chest/taberbacle.
– Jack Spratt
“The only bull I know who carried his china closet with him.” – Winston Churchill in reference to then Secretary of State John Foster Dulles, the arrogant, puritanical architect of American foreign policy after World War II
GOD HOLDING BACK ON DAMAGE DEPOSIT
In a rare proviso, the Big Boys in Heaven, have resolutely ordained that the damage deposit on earth, allegedly paid by one Adam and his wife Eve (no last name given) many centuries ago, will not be returned.
Judged to be authentic even though it had no return address, the dictatorial edict is expected to have far-reaching affects. If the caveat is put in motion it would almost certainly cause frantic migrations, a food crisis and could throw flags and nationalism into the toilet.
The undisclosed sum, held in trust for thousands of years, was an integral part of the overall agreement signed when humans first rented the planet. The amount in question was not made public although with economic factors such as inflation and interest, experts say it is somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 trillion dollars.
Several in Congress are attempting to make contact with the Landlord but to no avail. Even politicians who claim to talk to God everyday are perplexed and frustrated by the turn of events.
“They should have seen this coming,” said one environmental activist. “They moved in to a perfectly clean, well stocked, paradise but trashed the place.”
Another was not so kind.
“I don’t know why an all-knowing being allowed them to continue to live there,” said an EPA official who demanded anonymity. “I’d have kicked their arses out the first time they were late on a rent payment.
“The United States,” he said, is the worst perpetrator since that country had the ways and means to combat the growing disaster and did little preferring to adopt a tragic ideology saying that everything on earth was for their consumption without peril.”
Authorities were hesitant to confirm the obvious. The humans, they say, have done some wonderful things while inheriting the earth and that “we are dedicated to making it a better place for all.”
Many in Congress see the foggy move as a bluff, saying that God would have a tough time finding renters for such a large property. They stressed that the communique was in code and quite vague depending on how one read it.
“We need to make a deal with Him and secure a few indications of what’s up next. Those monies are earmarked for our next pay raise.”
An earthly spokesman for the Heavens (We certainly have an overrun) says he believes God is quite serious about the breakup.
“The sore points,” he flinched, “revolve around the destruction of the seas, the uneven distribution of wealth, over-population, the ozone, the celebration of ignorance, programmed fear, rampant distrust, and mindless greed.”
“There is a whole roster within The 7 Deadly Sins. You could look it up,” he said
“You’ll see that money when hell freezes over,” continued the notice which stopped short of demanding immediate evacuation. “Evictions in some of the more ravaged regions will begin shortly.”
Several aborigine societies clustered around the globe will be exempt from the house cleaning, since their civilization has coexisted with natural laws as part of the framework of their civilization. Insiders suggest that these enlightened, often nomadic clans could inherit the whole ball of wax by virtue of an option to buy clause written into the next lease.
“You humans are already in his cross hairs. Nobody up here much like you since you have no respect for the gifts given you. Dialogues de sourds (conversations of the deaf) will do nothing but antagonize heaven, a pleasant enough place many of you scoundrels will never see even from your Hummers and private jets.”
This morning a United Nations’ partisan commission was set up to review the situation. Members appeared clearly overwhelmed as to what a first step may constitute, according to seraphs familiar with omnipresent thinking patterns. After a few speeches and impotent motions the lawmakers adjourned for an extravagant luncheon featuring dolphin steaks, sea turtle soup, whooping crane meringue with flambéed sea otter, and an assortment of other known intelligent delicacies, once deemed endangered species.
– Uncle Pahgre
More on Textual Harassment Case
Earlier this week Sarah Huckabee Sanders claimed that President Trump called her “a squat parasite, a pandering imbecile, a spineless charlatan (and) severely damaged goods. He then concluded that, “When they are passing out brains she was out of town”.
Despite the alleged assaults the Press Secretary will remain at her post. Instead of defending anyone, critics were amazed and distracted in that the president had such a firm grasp of the English language.
“This some of most clever, albeit biting, rhetoric that has ever flown from the mouth of President,” said Ernestine Warhole, respected editor of the Prince George (County) Defender. “It reminds us of Millard Filmore way back in 1850 when he allegedly called his short-lived Secretary of War “a trebling nincompoop that couldn’t find his ass if he had a map.”
“You may be my only serious readers,” – Melvin O’Toole when detained by border patrol at El Paso, TX, May 23, 1968. Later testimony proved the feds had it out for the scribe after he publication of his book “Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings” which they say is a vicious attack on the established order, while O’Toole insists his literary efforts revolve around recording the history of minor league baseball along the Ohio River (1937 – 2000)
