All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Republicans continue to lose seats

(Bland Valley) In the face of an expected Democrat counterattack this fall Republicans continue to lose seats due to special elections, scandalous retirements, indictments and apparent lack of interest in the governing process.

Since February 2018 the GOP has lost two recliners, one chase lounge, three couches, a velour love seat, several blue deck chairs, four bar stools, a parachute landing device, five desk chairs, over-stuffed easy chairs, fainting couches, plastic chairs, canvass beach ensembles, throwback, antique and inflatable seats, 12 sets of kitchen chairs, assorted regressing patio perches and  judge’s bench.

“I don’t care how many seats they mislay,” said Abner Quitee, 111, who has never voted Democrat for been out of Mesa County, his entire life. “But some of us are a bit concerned that with the recent losses there on’t be anywhere to sit down. I guess there are those dusty hammocks or the metal chairs down in the potato cellar.”

Insiders in the party. themselves clutching one-way tickets, say this is no funny business. It took a while but the people finally figured out our little rich man – poor man scam.”

“We already know those godless Democrats have futons, wine racks, yoga mats and worldly designs on their chairs,” said one state representative near tears. “Some are even made of marijuana.”

On the other side of  the slippery aisle voices have been raised asking if it is really possible to be xenophobic about an oak rockier? There was no joy in Foggy Bottom or on Capitol Hill though, since voters still remember the Dems showing up with rented furniture in 2000 and 2004.

Voters in several Red States, moved by such a shortfalls at first promised to deliver reinforcements in the form of furniture rostered above. However, due in part to a series of transgressions (Read: Spending scandals by top HUD and EPA appointees) many have rescinded on the offer.

– Susie Compost

Human Pretzel to Perform

The Human Pretzel

(Crested Butte) Billing himself as The Human Pretzel, contortionist extraordinaire, Swami Ahswam Deyalsingh, will perform at at six different town venues this summer. The return this year will mark the tenth year in the past eleven that the popular rubber-like entertainer has bent, curved, twisted and otherwise publicly distorted his bodily form, often to the delight of audiences.

The former stand-in and sandwich maker for the renown Flying Farcheezie’s high wire act, the pretzel is said to have more than 300 freakish shapes in his rigid repertoire. Traveling with him are his womanizing chiropractor and a night-blind percussionist who will attempt to musically accentuate pressure points during the tortuous distortions.

If last year was any indication the 12-hour show will be one of many highlights of the Crested Butte Arts Festival which shuts down Elk Avenue for days. Appreciative viewers are asked that, in lieu of gratuity, they simply toss cigarette lighters onto the stage. Deyalsingh will then distribute the lighters to the impoverished of South Asia over the winter.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Can robots be racist?

A recent incident at a Philly Starbucks where two Black patrons were arrested for trespassing (while sitting at a table waiting for a third friend to arrive), showcases a corporate mentality based on fear, phoniness and expedience. This soulless infrastructure creates paranoid and programmed behavior among the Kool-Aid sucking minions of entwined in its caffein empire.

Starbucks has stolen a piece of Americana as it builds more stores and drives smaller competitors from the marketplace. This company has intruded into a wonderful ritual of slamming coffee with friends in the morning. It has substituted plastic stir sticks and litter cups for civilized utensils, porcelain and heart.  Are their coffee beans grown in China?

Companies like Starbucks have snuffed out the cultural aspects of the corner cafe and the crucial socialization that goes with it. Diversity is the enemy of market control. Starbucks has replaced it with a synthetic experience when the nation needs a sugar bowl full of culture.

The robot manager of the mega-corp coffee pusher was no doubt a perfect example of a another loyal employee ascending up the ladder: He’s got that Starbucks glow! They didn’t even fire him, which is a surprise considering he benefits of applied scapegoatism. They moved him to another of their countless burnt coffee outlets. By doing so Starbucks condones his corporate-racist behavior.

Is he now presiding over costly cups of coffee in a white neighborhood where other robots sip each day looking for the last remnants of social interaction in a country that sold its soul for a swindled latte?

The mindless manager is the poster child for Starbucks and all corporate intrusion into our lives. The fact that this troll has exhibited racist behavior is no surprise given his status and standing. In the City of Brotherly Love we really don’t want the brothers in our nicer neighborhoods anyway.

Boycott Starbucks? You should have been avoiding the place from the start due to the mass marketed, mass produced and the mass flocking of the sheep. One incident does not define an entity. The business of selling coffee to trademark junkies and people who need some banner to follow is the real problem. It’s one that our kids will have to deal with when they grasp for threads of humanity left in our society.

In America, racism is eating us up and corporate power is spitting us out.

Colorado Moves to Restrict Bozos

The Colorado senate today passed a restrictive bill aimed at controlling the flow of bozos all across the state. This includes residents and travelers who might be harassed and could be deprived of certain privileges due to suspicious or alien bozo classification.

Bozos apprehended at higher elevations will receive the same treatment as those corralled in lower zones. Stinking Desert occupancies will be treated with non-sanctuary status. Bozos found in caves will be incarcerated upon contact.

Utah chimed in too: “We don’t know who and what they are but we damn sure don’t want them here,” said a County coroner familiar with these developments.

Although clowns are considered minor deities in some parts of the world, they are not much appreciated in the United States since most people cannot distinguish them from local politicians and squatter bureaucrats.

All the way with the EPA

And now we have a former coal lobbyist poised to takeover the reigns at the Environmental Protection Agency. The above photo is of New York City prior to EPA restrictions being imposed. Lowering pollution standards nets bad air as this color photo shows. Destroying the planet can be profitable, heh?

Depressants Hailed as Miracle Drug

(Trenchtown) The ever-vigil pharmaceutical industry has taken aim at counteracting the affects of too often employed anti-depressant drug therapy. A breakthrough pill, dubbed the depressant, has been heralded as the antidote for people who are getting too high, and feeling too good on anti-depressant medications.

Considering the high percentage of people currently ingesting happy pills, the depressant formula should provide a stopgap remedy for false happiness. It also represents major profits for the manufacturer.

A stark black capsule, aimed at neutralizing the effects of the first medication would replace the bright, shiny blue or yellow anti-depressant pill. Experts say the benefits could be seen immediately.

Research on the depressant has been ongoing due to the increase in anti-depressant use and the perceived need to bring the patient back to normal before real therapy can run its course. It has been conducted in secret so as not to alarm the pill popping public.

“In 90% of our test cases we have found that the new drug works great,” said one researcher. “How can we expect people to achieve true happiness when they are popping attitude adjustment bombers every day? After a few weeks they have lost all that is instinctual. They don’t know how to react to the positives and negatives of daily life.”

One source told The Horseshoe that a pill to create temporary normalization had not been approved but was available various different colored markets, including the popular black one.

An industry spokesman said the long-awaited anti-addiction pill, aimed at helping people get off medications, alcohol, television, sugar, tobacco, caffein and government is still in the works.

“We want to develop a daily popper to help our clients come down or go up depending on what drug has been prescribed,” she said. “Then we can begin the entire process again for the next batch of those who suffer from either malady. We have mastered the mood alteration technology. Now it’s just a matter of watching how it stacks up against the ledger sheet.”

– Alfalfa Romero

Malcolm Lowry

Late of the Bowery

His prose was flowery

and often glowery.

He lived nightly, and drank daily

And died playing the ukelele.

                           – Malcolm Lowry, Epitaph