All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Hormone Spill Closes Stream of Consciousness

(Montrose) A massive hormone spill caused in part by concentrated high school graduation exercises has closed the Stream of Consciousness at least until next week. Civil engineers currently working around the clock to unclog and free up the waterway say they are making progress but the shear impact from hormonal tissue is tough to control.

“We get one current going the right way and before we know it there’s another emotional outburst or pubescent rip tides and we’re back where we started,” said one worker on the site.

The Army Corps of Engineers has considered calling in air strikes or dynamiting shallow areas but at present only shovels and one dredging machine are hard at it.

“I don’t see why all these hormones are so active now,” said the worker. “Maybe it’s spring fever.”

The State of Colorado was quick to reassure fishermen that the spill did not endanger fish and that the matter would be cleared up long before the Memorial Day Weekend.

“We may have some sensitive fish,” said one DOW spokesperson, “but everything should be back to normal soon. “I myself have never seen a trout with zits.”

The San Juan Horseshoe: Cautiously Optimistic since 1977

Iguana Soup Recipe

After countless requests we have finally secured the authentic recipe for IGUANA SOUP, heralded in many parts of Central America as the ultimate hangover cure. Read on…

Take one regular size deceased iguana (skinned) and prepare in accordance with NAFTA specifications regarding birds and lizardry. Remove tail and set aside. Boil iguana on high for about an hour until it shrinks approximately 20%. Retain water. Add yucca, spuds, maize (if you can’t find maize use household corn), onion, garlic, jalapeno peppers and passion fruit seeds. Place animal back in pot and simmer for about three hours until meat falls from bone. Garnish with tail. Serve in brandy snifters or mate gourds. Enjoy.

LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE

(Colona) The United States Forest Circus has issued a warning to all humans using the public lands: Leave new wildlife alone! Cubs, fawns, chicks and other infant mammals, not mobile enough to travel with their mother while she hunts for food, are often left behind in a safe place. If left undisturbed the babies will be rejoined by parents and nurtured.

Interruptions on the part of nosy humans creates the biggest problem according to the Colorado Division of Wildlife.

“Predators do their dirty work to be sure,” said Jack Spratt of the DOW. “That’s part of nature. It’s when these do-gooders and technological throwbacks get involved that we have real problems.”

Spratt says people should follow common sense rules and leave the babies alone.

“How would human parents feel if resident deer and/or chipmunks on vacation monkeyed with their infants when they stepped out for a breath of fresh air or to hit the can?” he stressed. “They wouldn’t like it.”

The proper response is always to avoid interrupting the natural relationship between animal families. If someone discovers a potential orphan he should leave it be at least until the DOW has had time to contact the parent. In addition, it is highly illegal to adopt a fawn or cub. At present there are over 2000 inmates doing hard time in Colorado prisons for these infractions.

“This doesn’t mean people can’t squash flies and mosquitoes no matter what their age,” said Spratt. “They are considered pests and have little use except to enterprising spiders and hungry bats.”

Another bugaboo is dogs and cats. These natural predators see young wildlife as dinner. It’s up to the owner to monitor pet behavior and thus protect infant deer or rodents from these often sporting carnivores. This can be achieved by training or restraining canines and placing a bell on the collar of prowling, domestic panthers.

   “The ending to the story can be happy or sad depending on the human factor,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe, adding that in over 43 years, this was the first functional USFS press release received by his periodical.

In a related story, the feds denied reports that dropping 4500 new porta-johns in National Forests throughout the West would disturb the wildlife there. The pooper shacks are deemed necessary where people are charged camping fees or admission. Insisting that the potties are placed in areas already contaminated by human smells, the feds say animals don’t venture into these environs anyway.

In a further release from combined federal agencies it is apparent that the potties are a definite go. These custodians of the forest are the same ones responsible for erecting over 14 million signs on public lands from Missoula to Bisbee since Teddy Roosevelt’s day. Critics say the feds could have limited the number of unnecessary signs to about 20 and saved thousands of trees in the process.

“If one continues to talk around enough people someone is bound to write it down in some oblivious anthology which will then be stashed away in some lice-infested cellar beyond the furnace of literary pursuit.”

– from Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings, Testosterone Bros. Boston

Patchouli oil spill devastates hippie stronghold

Hundreds of field hippies were uprooted when a flash flood of Southeast Asian medicinal oil destroyed far out bunkers and adjacent hemp gardens. Although the citadel was a complete loss the garrison miraculously survived the onslaught.

Kryptonite discovered in San Juan Mountains

A major deposit of the rare mineral, Kryptonite has been found adjacent to the present site of the Camp Bird Mine near Ouray according to assayers there. Already thousands of would-be prospectors have crowded roads in and out of the town. Kryptonite, previously thought only to exist on the pulverized planet, Krypton, is worth an estimated $830 per ounce on the open market. It is used chiefly as a computer sensitive component in plastic credit cards and in the production of waferboard.

Residents have been warned to stay in their homes until this, the latest of a multitude of booms, subsides. The last boom in Ouray stretched from 1888-1902. Continued  exposure to the mineral can allegedly cause serious side effects in judicious wise acres and other persons of constant opinion. Symptoms include loss of teeth and hair, a seriously warped sense of altitude and the tragic, slow deterioration of the brain.

Miners up Dexter Creek, where a smaller vein of Kryptonite was discovered last week, have been seen discarding once-precious gold nuggets for the lucrative Kryptonite. Many have become instant millionaires in just a week.

“We don’t have the technology (mules) to haul out the gold and silver too,” slobbered on sluggish sluice-boxer from Montrose. “This claim alone has netted over 400,000 tons of the rich ore and we haven’t even got the price tags off the shovels yet!”

Since last Tuesday  thirteen camper cities have evolved in any available space from Ridgway to Silverton. Lumber has been cut down to make picnic tables for hungry miners while a glass of orange juice at the Buen Tiempo Restaurant costs about nineteen dollars. Hardware and supply houses as far away as Ridgway are doing a banner business and there’s no end in sight.

Many of the mining claims are accessible only through Zute Indian lands and some are located right smack in the middle of the Southern Zute Reservation. Mining interests have appealed to the federal government to intercede on their behalf and the state militia has taken up defensive positions surrounding the Zutes. There is hope at press time that an agreement can be reached and violence averted but if not…well…there’s always Utah. At present there are 73 militia for every Indian in the region and that doesn’t take into account the over 30,000 heavily armed miners and the crew of the battleship “Colorow” that is anchored off the Uncompahgre Inlet.

In an official statement Governor Hickenlooper has asked that persons having no previous business in the area stay away unless they really need the cash.

– Rocky Flats

Objects on this website are often closer than they appear

Onion Recount Concluded

(Montrose) A controversial recount of yellow onions harvested here has been completed showing no misconduct or wrongdoing on the part of commodity traders or the farmers themselves. Following the lead of politicians, many protesting ballot results in national and state elections, local farmers demanded a full recount of produce figures back in October when the crop was first harvested.

Although preliminary summations appear to have been correct many farmers remain unconvinced of prescribed tonnage results and the number of truckloads delivered to prearranged sights.

“We’re not dealing with mom and pop groceries and family-owned produce stalls anymore,” said one angry onion farmer. “It’s a whole new arena today, one populated by crooked brokers, out-of-town banks and other corporate interests. With low wholesale prices and increased costs we have to watch out for ourselves. Discrepancies involving so much as a truckload or two could determine who stays in business and who starts looking for other work.”

The cost of the recount is estimated to be in the neighborhood of $350,000 which will be extracted from state lottery funds and newly approved taxes on tobacco products. Potato farmers, an untrusting lot by definition, are expected to follow suit, with a possible recount slated for fall of 2005.

In a related development the over 10,000 onion counters participating in the action will not be eligible for benefits since they are classified as part-time agricultural workers and were given free lodging during the almighty quest.

“You still have to go to Confession but you can bring your lawyer.”

– Ed McMahon on the advantages of being half Catholic and half Jewish.