Lone Cone Not Up To Code

(Norwood) Lone Cone and several other mountains in the Western San Juans are not up to code according to the state of Colorado. Seismic and geothermal enforcement units operating in the vicinity say the mountains must upgrade or lose their ratings for the coming summer.

For decades the mountains policed themselves on such regulatory considerations as rock shedding, electricity and general impact. Although not completely safe the system worked pretty well.

“That’s all fine,” said Gerald Ashcroft, of the Altitude Police, “but we were up at the top of Lone Cone Thursday and the place is hot. Readings taken on both sides of the mountain confirm our fears. Plus there was a lot of wire hanging out and the fuse boxes were mounted on trees. If we would have thought to bring our Richter Scales we could have landed a specific reading to send to the boys down in Washington.”

At state urging the feds will be employed to guard high risk mountains in an attempt to control the spread of terrorism.

“All it would take is a little attention to detail,” said Ashcroft, “and these big fellas could retain their status as contributing peaks. Right now it’s a disaster up there. Winter was hard enough and nobody bothered to get a building permit for the addition on Groundhog Mountain. Now we have a another population boom to deal with. Who plumbed this place anyway?”

In addition to wiring and plumbing specifications Ashcroft warned that high mountain peaks could be training grounds for terrorists intent on destroying the American way of life.

“We don’t have much culture under 12,000 feet but what we have is ours,” spouted Ashcroft.

Sources at the state level say that unless the aforementioned peaks comply they will be removed from the approved hiking list for summer.

“Then nobody would climb them,” said Ashcroft, “and then where would they be?”

– Uncle Pahgre

“Never trust a man who agrees with you. He’s probably wrong.” – traditional cowboy saying