All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Man eating marmots still on lam

(Gunnison) With seasonably high waters interrupting the traditional food chain normally docile marmots have turned on college students to fill the void in their diet. Attributing a host of mysterious disappearances to the rodents local police have promised to track down the perpetrators and restore calm to this once sleepy campus.

     “The real problem here is that students are slow moving targets, easy prey for the fierce marmots,” said one officer investigating the case. “It’s easy enough to imagine a marmot pouncing on an unsuspecting student and dragging his victim into a hole. Although no one has actually recorded these acts of violence we have pieced together  scant clues and are inclined to believe the worse.”

     Items such as gloves, books and bits of hair have been introduced as exhibits in the recent indictment against the rodent population.

     “They may be attracted to bright colors and are almost certainly drawn to loud or obnoxious persons,” said the cop.

     Students have been warned not to go out alone after dark and not to talk to small fur-bearing animals until a solution can be formulated.

     Residents of the town, fearing for the safety of their families after the marmots run out of students, have armed themselves and vigilantes are on patrol from the Mountaineer Bowl to the Asinall-Wilson Center.

     In an official statement the controller’s office expressed fears of lost revenue if the reign of terror continues. Other sources at the college claim that it is tough to measure the extent of losses due to the practice of cutting classes this time of the year.

     “When we call the roll prior to class we can’t  really determine if an absent student has simply overslept or if he has been eaten for dinner. The local chapter of Save the Ravens says the marmot attacks are reprisals for student attacks on crows this spring.

     One academic department, that  of Applied Cannibalism, has already arranged to have 3000 pine beetles and another 200 tons of wood ticks, known delicacies within the marmot population, flown in by the weekend. This addition, combined with the contributions of local florists is expected to turn the tide until the blood lust is brought under control.

– Merv Ditchwater

Lake City Rumor Mill Shut Down

(Capitol City) One of the last vestiges of the San Juan mining era was closed today, dislodging a chunk of the population and leaving others shocked but still quite clueless.

The termination of activities at the mill, located up Henson Creek adjacent to the Yellow Snow Mine is clearly due to erratic production, general neglect and ground pollution. According to people in ties, clipboards and white shirts from the Euphemistic Pro-Con Agency the mill presented a danger to the health and harmony of the town.

“The Environmental Protection Agency has confirmed the forced closure of the celebrated Lake City Rumor Mill,” said a source within the agency. “Tomorrow we bring in the bulldozers and dynamite. There will be hundreds, maybe thousands of us on site. Soon all traces of that pimple on the landscape will be gone.”

The former rumor mill, thought to be haunted, will become a destination spot for daredevil extreme RVers, due to landslide potential and shear cliffs on the sunny side of the mountain.

For decades the rumor mill churned out juicy stories involving everyone from the mayor to the town drunk. Attempts to pump life into the facility have been futile due to its remote status and distance from civilization. National historic distinction has done little to generate operating funds and potential wilderness status which could encourage outside funding, is still up in the air.

“I remember kissing Margaret Hatchmorrison in front of the mill in my ’54 Chevy back in 1953,” said Old Man Pritchard of the Hinsdale Pritchards. “When her daddy got wind of my intentions he chased me all the way to Spar City with a chainsaw. What time those were — Everybody in town knew the details thanks to the rumor mill which was running overtime.”

The rumor mill’s popularity as a make-out spot soon came to the attention of local law enforcement agencies who carried out countless SWAT team excursions into the area in the Sixties and Seventies.

“We were convinced there were guerrillas hiding in the tunnels out there,” said one deputy, “but all we found were a bunch of hippies and their goats.”

     Despite a sadness lingering over the town most people have accepted the closure and have gotten back to the business of talking about each other without the convenience of a local mill. Malcontents have threatened to build a “secondary gossip facility aimed at preserving chit-chat and tittle tattle.”

“Plowing over a few acres of rock will never stop the rumors from flowing,” said one resident credited with starting tattle on such hot topics as geological lake polygamy to UFO landings on the Cannibal Plateau. “After one particularly creative session we had hundreds of tourists out looking for Slumgullion’s Treasure as far south as the Weminuche when everyone here knows that the peg-legged, murdering, alpine pirate’s stash was deposited in a local snowbank back in 1979.”

According to gov’ment agencies jockeying for fetal position above town, mounds of tailings, the residue of the mill, will be hauled to the Ronald Reagan Re-Education Camp at Powderhorn. Rumor has it that it will then be spun into gold by political prisoners currently incarcerated there. But that is only a rumor at this time.

– Fred Zeppelin

Colombia wins group 1 – 0 over Senegal

Falcao and “James” celebrate after advancing to the next stage in the 2018 World Cup. Despite penalties and injuries Colombia will play either Belgium or England on July 3.

Morality Dips with Summer Visitors

(Montrose) The Department of Ethics and Dogma has extended a rigid and didactic storm warning for the entire Western Slope from now until September 15. The seasonal caution comes simultaneously with the arrival of the first summer tourists to the region.

According to the warning, many of the visitors do not operate within the same moral guidelines that residents live by and therefore create problems relating to virtue and conscience.

The many diversions of the 21st Century have distorted the thinking and dictated the questionable actions of many party animals and ravers that come here looking for a good time. Those awaiting major events like floods, fires and the Second Coming have been urged to take precautions and decide where to locate during epic developments.

The official alert did not undress rumors that a former mayor, and father of 16,  had run off with a circus performer and that elements in the city council had slept with Michael Jackson.

Uruguay routes Russia 3-0 to Advance in World Cup play

Celebration after striker Edison Cavani knocked in the third and final goal against Russia giving Uruguay a 3-0 victory. The South American team did not give up a goal in the first three games of competition. Uruguay will play Portugal Saturday.

Lower Blue Lakes. No snow. No mosqitoes?

Accessible from East Dalls/Willow Swamps or Yankee Boy Basin Blue Lakes offer a refuge from it all. It’s better to go during the week when there are fewer flies and the bear are working double shifts.