All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Russia Raises Vodka Prices

(Rahz Putin) On the heels of trade wars and sanctions The Kremlin has raised the price of the Russian high life, including vodka, the main ingredient in washing it all down.

Jacking up liquor prices is the latest in Moscow’s attempts to manipulate trade balances while controlling chronic alcoholism in the country. Good luck, Ivan! Although no actual numbers were introduced, it is surmised that the cost of a good sloppy drunk has just gone up.

Response from Tarskaya to Volgograd was hostile, especially in wetter quarters where many see vodka drinking as a necessary means to survive the harsh, gray winters. No one is beyond suspicion and vodkas distilled in other countries is expected to be hardest hit by the realignment.

The Russian government insured the populace that the problem had grown to crisis proportions and warned that if the people did not police themselves vodka distilleries would be destroyed and the fermentation of the intoxicant would be deemed illegal. Russian Prohibition? A field day for the crime syndicates would certainly follow.

“So what?” puffed Yuri Screwthecapov, in response to the official threat. “Most of what my friends and I drink is bootleg anyway. That stuff the government makes tastes like bark and old socks, though I must admit it carries quite a punch on an empty stomach.”

Opposition leaders were quick to jump on the move saying that it could lead to unrest at a particularly precarious time. Some say it is the final prelude to civil war in the former Soviet nation. Although prices have varied over the past decade they have remained stable, even lower, so far this year encouraging people to stock up on the drink at the expense of such items as meat, heating oil and baby formula.

“One must have priorities and stick to them,” stressed one imbiber.

Often made from potatoes and/or grain, Russian vodka is considered some of the best on the planet. Since 1917 leaders have viewed vodka, like Cuban rum, as a control mechanism although they knew the population was becoming addicted. Absenteeism at work and poor production were the first symptoms of the failed state methods.

“The concept of drinking responsibly has never been embraced, at least by the great unwashed here,” said Mikhail Kalashnikov, sipping a fine potato concoction with a plate of sturgeon in sour cream, across from the Kremlin. “Even in arctic weather we Russians prefer it straight and ice cold.”

Public apprehension that the government does not care about them continues to plague information offices and the enforcement of most laws in Russia. Years of totalitarian rule have left the populace lethargic and without direction…two social elements that have led to this threatening state of affairs. Termination drugs such as crack and meth have made little inroad due to the ritual abuse and hackled popularity of vodka.

“Those drugs are reserved for the Free World democracies,” explained a source.

The announcement comes at a particularly crucial time amid Russia’s attempts to placate the West while solidifying what is left of the former empire.

Once again the questions as to the sovereignty of Alaska have surfaced stirring and angry pot on the Bering Strait. For over a century, 151 years to be exact, the United States and its citizens have been under the assumption that they had purchased Alaska outright in 1867. Now, according to a yellowed copy of a Russian deed (the original was buried with none other than Gregori Rasputin in 1916) it appears that the 586,412 square miles was only leased for 150 years.

“The document looks real enough,” said a Danish negotiator, who is currently attempting to persuade the Trump Administration to purchase Greenland. “It is signed by William H. Seward and Alexander II.  If the U.S. had only filed the receipt we could settle this whole mess over a glass of vodka.”

While leaders in the US say the claim is a sham, insiders say Russian troops and tanks have been moving into Western Siberia since Saturday. Whether these soldiers brought enough vodka with them to sustain an invasion is not known. The experts doubt it.

The standoff, in a nutshell, comes down to this: Russia has filed a foreclosure notice on Alaska demanding that the current residents vacate the premises by 2025. The United States has pledged to defend the region which it insists was purchase for $7,200,000 (2-cents per acre) from the czarist government. It could get all too nuclear.

“Who in their right mind would sell land so cheap?” asked Vladimir Putin, current Russian leader and former director of the KGB. “The lease was some crazy Czar thing aimed at raising money to clean up his mess after the Crimean War. You don’t see deals like that, even in the current market.”

Newspaper reports that the former Bolshevik rulers plan to foreclose on the Alaska “loan” don’t help matters either.

Meanwhile Alaskans wait hoping that the whole matter will be forgotten. Some are concerned that they will have to make a choice between a new life in another Siberia or a return to the lower 48. Others have already begun studying their Russian dictionaries. Most are stockpiling ammunition.

One red-nosed man may have said it all when asked what was his greatest concern:

“If Russia takes Alaska back will we have to pay more for vodka too?” he asked.

– Fred Zeppelin

     

Montrose High grads drink beer through straws

FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH

by Melvin Toole, whose  ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

                                                – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

                                                                                                 – Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the approval of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

     The tradition of Fourth of July barbecues has been with us for almost 250 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a cherished document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.* Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eyes of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the bill.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and in growing cases blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that truth would have had far less impact as the conflict lingered.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting had already erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl.

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away. After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their lobsterback legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have warned him about getting too excited about planning the war but he resuses to listen to them. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already negotiated for several regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the city’s largest livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures much like the British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war against the most powerful nation on earth. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened a host of new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now wait a minute, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to the matter of “all men being created equal? Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land.

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment. In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

– Kevin Haley

    

SWISS TO HOST DEM CONVENTION

Showcasing its total confusion of globalist politics, the Democratic National Committee has unanimously elected to move their 2020 convention from San Francisco to Zurich, Switzerland. This will give the countries involved in the European Union experiment a showing of solidarity from the United States and its application of false agenda conforming to an isolationaist one world order of disorder.

Pumped up by the endorsement in such a deteriorating time, the EU asked its top notch news reporters to come up with a press release/package to announce this odd arrangement to the world.

Chosen for the task was a young writer Maximillian Sludge, a German sausage reporter who has never reported a story with a substantive proof of truth.

After two days of deliberation and many cups of foul tasting caffeine drug drinks, the young writer printed his headline in the Zurich papers.

It read: SWITZERLAND SWITCHES FROM NEUTRAL TO REVERSE

Officials in Zurich had no comment on the relocation.

Who Lives Out Here?

“Bear!” he yelled, and so there was in the

river bottom as close as honeycomb,

bruin hygiene as wild as a bear.

We could run or hide down a hole

or change direction in a stroll

A forced march down from the green veil

like Bonaparte and another Russian Bear.

Throwing his head around…a big boy too

lurking so close to St Germains.

He looked us up and down, lifting only his head

grunting and rolling his big bear eyes saying:

“You’re not worth a real bear, hind-legged stand-up look”

But we embraced bear drills just anyway

shattering the woodlands’ silence in fright,

crudely inflating our mass, no eyeballs aligned,

entrenched in our own floating footsteps

like go away bear balloons.

November, 2018

“The backlash is coming. It is the deserved consequence of minority-rule government protecting the rich over everybody else, corporations over workers, whites over nonwhites and despots over democracies. It will explode , God willing, at the ballot box and not in the streets.”

                                  Dana Milbank Columnist Washington Post