All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Ouray News Legend First Turned Down Laker Offer
(Elk Meadows) Recognized as the best player in the world by many Labrawn James penned yet another lucrative contract this week but many say he was second fiddle to a Ouray County scribe.
Confirmation that former Plaindealer publisher David Mullings had scoffed at an offer sheet from the Los Angles Lakers has leaked out through the forest up here. His rejection of a 4-year $54 million contract stunned friends and colleagues but Mullings remains unmoved by the proposal.
Clear disclosures that Mullings received the offer first have rocked the usually stable basketball hierarchy. Stark realization that Cleveland Cavalier great Labran James only signed after the journalist rejected the deal, may shed light on the future of the sport
And in the ashes of what is evolving into a bigger drama Mullings says he might opt to play bocce ball in Colombia at a fraction of the pay. His best-selling novel “Roll”, which chronicles the sport from its beginnings in Calabria, is already in its second printing.
Mullings’ agent, Rebecca Pencilskirt, a Medellin attorney told reporters in Denver that her client would be a welcome addition to any one of the city’s squads.
“He was afraid that the money would taint his way of life and put him out of touch with the common man,” said Pencilskirt, like Mullings a former Lobo.
“Sometimes windfalls hit you up the side of the head and other times they just blow by, she shrugged. “Pro bocce ball is played only on Sunday in the Antioquian Leagues which would then allow more free time for other pursuits on the field of play.
– Rocky Flats
Feds Raid Dating Service
(Colona) In what was initially perceived to be yet another muscle flexing on the part of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), federal agents ransacked the offices of Wildcat Matchmaking last night seizing laptops, bank records and customer portfolios.
The fledgling business, that ICE insists is front for smuggling as well as massive money laundering, was shuttered immediately and several top executives were taken into custody and will be the subject of intense scrutiny while the meat of the investigation sizzles on the grill. Wildcat opened in April and claimed a rabid customer base of over 20,000.
“We don’t fully comprehend these colossal implications or the magnitude of the confiscations,” said a neighbor. “They seemed like nice enough people although they often blocked my driveway with their pink 1967 Mustang convertible. The billboards and neon were a little much too.”
An overnight ICE raid in Colona has left both citizens and the authorities in shock
No one in Colona admitted to using the service.
“The social life here is off the charts,” said one lifelong resident. “What do we need a matchmaking service for? We’re all already matched, some more than others. They could have been making moonshine, keeping contraband livestock and/or printing counterfeit currency. Nobody knows. Nobody cares.”
The authorities were tight-lipped implying only that jealously controlled Log Hill spice routes and a surge in lucrative weapons sales in the West End could easily start World War III.
“We’re here to put a stop to that,” said an ICE spokesperson.
-Alfalfa Romero
BABY BORN WITH DUCT TAPE
(Montrose) A healthy 10-pound baby boy was born this morning at St Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital here. While that is not so strange in itself, what is baffling scientists has to do with his cargo.
Moments after the delivery, while the medical personnel were busy tidying up…out popped a roll of gray duct tape. First it hit the operating table, then the floor. Everyone stood silent, amazed at witnessing what would certainly be chronicled as medical history.
The parents, Wendel and Suriname Pritchard, of Naturita could not explain the phenomenon either and, overwhelmed by their first child, didn’t seem too upset.
“When my sister-in-law gave birth to a little girl back in 1997 up in Ideeho she got a little bonus too,” smiled Pritchard. “She arrived with a full metric socket set. I guess it just runs in the family.”
Pritchard added that his brother threw the sockets out because they didn’t fit his Ford pickup.
It was not clear what the family would do with the tape but already hundreds of hardware companies have forwarded presents in apprehension of possible endorsements down the road.
– Susie Compost
Squatters Law Exhumed
(Montrose) Western Slope residents planning to leave town this summer are warned that a remote Homestead Era squatter’s rights ordinance is still on the state books. Until the regulation is amended, local law enforcement personnel have no choice but to follow the letter of the 1870s act.
“We will continue to implement procedures for the protection of the innocent,” said a local deputy sheriff who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We don’t like squatters any more than the next guy (does) but we have sworn to uphold the law.”
What this means is that an empty house is a potential haven for the dispossessed. Often this raggedy element will swoop down onto an entire subdivision legitimately occupying private property while the owners are absent. In some cases it can take 90 to 120 days to have the intruders legally removed.
“This is particularly rough on second home owners in resort areas like Telluride and Crested Butte where part-time residents commonly spend as little as two months a year in their sanitized castles, out in the woods, surrounded by state-of-the-art landscaping,” said county extraction agent, Suzie Compost. “Are these people expected to actually live in these trophy homes to prevent their seizure at the hands of roving mobs?”
Civilian patrols, alarm systems, guard dogs and even mine fields have not detoured the squatters who often don’t work or mow their lawns and thus have plenty of time for “impertinent occupations”. One home owner, attempting to ward off trespassers dug a large moat around his property only to be informed that he did not possess ample water rights to fill the thing. Another frustrated summer resident successfully chased a band of gypsies out the front door only to discover a contingent of homeless rabble occupying the kitchen and formal dining room.
“They tore down the curtains to make clothing for their naked offspring, cut down Nepalese saplings for firewood and devastated the liquor cabinet,” said victim Jack Spratt, heir to the Tampax fortune whose 73-room home sits at the top of Edith Bunker Mesa, near prestigious Pandora.
Finally ATF agents raided the place when underage smoking and the presence of unregistered handguns were documented. Spratt estimates the damage to his domicile be in the neighborhood of a tax deductible $3.3 million.
“We’re up against the wall until the legislature overturns this archaic statute,” said the quoted police officer. “Considering the danger maybe they will cancel their next recess and stay home.”
Meanwhile residents are encouraged to keep alert. Interlopers, according to local authorities, know exactly when the home owner is in Disneyville, Branson or on a cruise, and that’s when they pounce.
“If you must leave home for recreation limit outings to day trips or hire an armed house sitter,” continued the deputy. “Otherwise you may end up with some unwanted roommates.”
– Gabby Haze
“I’ll have the organic chicken with a Pepsi.” – actually overheard in a Ridgway eatery in July
Seeing Eye Boy Aids Lassie
(Irwin) Amos Ruthsatten isn’t ducking his responsibility where the well-loved pooch, Lassie, is concerned. The 12-year-old boy has dropped out of junior high school and quit his job at a local florist in order to turn his full attention to a now aging and all but blind Lassie.
Their unique relationship started when Amos’ father, Elroy Ruthsatten, almost squashed the famous TV dog with his backhoe last month.
“It was painfully obvious that Lassie was ready for the great beyond,” said the older Ruthsatten. “She could barely see the nose on her face.”
The younger Ruthsatten took to the blinded dog right off. Without his constant vigil her situation would be worse than hopeless.
When asked how he knew that the elderly collie was in fact the real Lassie of legend and lore Amos answered:
“All one has to do is talk to her. She remembers everything from the TV series in great detail. No other dog could know those things.”
– Axtelle LeFevre and Warren Bushings
Elvis Denier on Ballot in Tennessee
(Memphis) A candidate for state representative here says Elvis is a hoax. Insisting that the legendary singer was a product of the music payola of the 50s, Rudolph Peckerman says the real flesh and blood Elvis was a concoction and that the persona never existed much less performed.
“That hips and hair act was done with mirrors to benefit the kings and queens of the music industry,” said Peckerman. “The real rhythm and blues was generated by Black Americans and this Elvis phenomenon was carefully created to counter perceive threats and jealousies within the white listening audience. It was the Charlie Pride thing only in reverse.”
Whether Peckerman has a chance of winning any votes so near Graceland remains to be seen while insiders question his dismissive, hostile tone taken toward the American icon. Supporters are hoping that their candidate does well with young voters who do not remember Presley. Meanwhile Elvis defenders are standing up at regiment strength. Many want Peckerman deported to Kentucky which is not covered by any of his insurance policies and could bankrupt the disruptive upstart.
“We have footage. We have DNA. We have a birth certificate. We have dental records. We have off-spring,” shot Amanda Highnote, a Presley Museum curator who finds these accusations ridiculous and a bit painful.
“Why can’t these politicians leave well enough alone?” she seethed. “If people want an Elvis they should be able to have one. Faith has nothing to do with this.”
Other Elvis enthusiasts suggested that Peckerman would soon receive a visit from a certain ghost which would set the record straight and knock Peckerman off his high horse before election day. Recent examinations confirm 2016 findings that 99.3% of people in Tennessee and Mississippi believe that Elvis was a real person.
“You can’t get heart and soul like that from digital beeps and sound bytes,” said a DJ from Oxford. “This reeks of thick-headed blasphemy at a time where truth is a second consideration and partisanship rules. We need people who will stand up for what is good about this country. The next thing you know some scalawag will be telling us Johnny Cash was Canadian.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
