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Immaculate Conception a Daily Occurrence by 2028?

(Vatican City) In a shocking departure from accepted Church doctrine, Congolese Cardinal Vance Van Boope today told the faithful that immaculate conception would be commonplace in a few years and within the grasp of the poor before the end of the decade.

     The process on impregnation without intimacy, for centuries reserved only for the mother of Jesus Christ, may very well change the status of parents and birth control within the hierarchy of the Roman Church. The recognition of whispered ideology as a part of the mainstream is clearly a breakthrough in theology and the application of the Commandments.

     “The power of positive thinking can achieve great things,” said Van Boope, “but I think we’re still operating backwards since overpopulation and not methodology is the chronic problem on the planet. In short, it is not important how the egg is fertilized but that another new soul is on the way to a social system that is failing to support its client-based family tree. Genetics can be heartless. Physical laws cannot be ignored.”

     The expansion of infallibility, stamped with the Papal Imprimatur, came during a break in the fighting which has claimed millions of lives in the mineral-rich Congo since 1990. Gold-soaked warlords trade away the country’s future for sophisticated weapons while child soldiers hump the bush and peasants starve in refugee camps, often ignored by the rest of the world.

     “The new explanations do not excuse anyone from responsibility as parents or overshadow existing moral standards,” said Van Boope. 

     The action is seen by secular thinkers as an attempt to relax certain long-held beliefs that have become inconsequential and juvenile. 

     “It is our attempt to counsel our congregations by separating fantasy from reality yet holding tight to the reins,” said the Cardinal. – St. Roscoe of Preakness 

“These presidential ninnies should stick to throwing out baseballs and leave the important matters to serious people.” – Gore Vidal