All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
Baby Eats Software, Grandparents Held
Grandparents in hiding after software malfunction
(Montrose) a 2-year-old toddler who ate a large quantity of computer software Monday while visiting his grandparents, has been released from St Roscoe’s For Profit Hospital this morning.
Doctors say the child will be fine. They prescribed an assortment of drugs and suggested a change of diet. A minor surgical application removed the alien programs and replaced it with healthy data. No viruses were reported.
It was not clear if the grandparents would be charged with negligence or complicity in that they were asleep at the time of the alleged incident. All have been in seclusion since the weekend. It is not known if the parents were on the premises when the incident went down. Police are investigating.
All responsible parties are warned to keep software in a secure child-proof location.
Council drags heels on hooker restrictions
(Knuckles County) Despite the urgings of established citizen clusters, civil liberties factions, night owls, early risers, bar flies and congregations the Mañana town Council has yet to make a decision on street walkers.
The illicit behavior, in the crosshairs since money for sex became illegal here in 1944, has always been brushed aside by deniers, while remaining a whisper by patrons. Now lawmakers must decide whether to tolerate this kind of behavior within town limits.
Fathers and mothers don’t talk about that kind of thing but that doesn’t make it go away. Local interest is constant with activity increasing with booms and yet holding its own during recessions.
“The burr in my saddle is that despite the presence of this questionable industry in our midst we get no revenue,” said Mayor Julie Pettifogger. I’d like to see the matter settled one way or the other with the benefit of street walker taxes or registration fees so as to improve the town coffer.”
Scores of citizens favor outlawing hookers but admit that that has never worked before. Numerous others say legislating morality won’t remove the situation in that demand dictates market practices even in this shady commerce.
“We will continue our vigil and do nothing,” said the mayor. “A new council will be seated in 2020. Maybe they can make headway. Meanwhile so many others sell themselves for money without taking off their clothes. Hypocrisy reigns.”
In other news:
The much-lambasted Colona curfew, lifted after 40 years this month, allows the Colonese the right to walk around after dark. Although traffic is immeasurable at present, town fathers and mothers project a surge in pedestrian behavior. Many strollers, however, remain hesitant to test their new freedoms.
A strong cross-section of those interviewed said they liked the curfew while others found it unreasonably restrictive in that it does not curtail the movement of wild animals allegedly living in the forests and mesas nearby.
– Melvin O’Toole
Hot dog contest champion explodes
(Mañana) A Maher man, Rufus Maxwell, 95, has exploded after eating 87 hot dogs in under 40 minutes during a Myopic County Fair contest. The feat represents 3 dogs shy of the existing record established in 2010.
The annual exposition had not seen anything like this before, unless one counts the high-wire, two-headed chicken act from Uravan that brought down the house in 1952. Then, of course, there were the full-contact digital quilting clashes on the cliffs high above Horsefly Canyon just last year.
None offered the drama and terminal depth of Maxwell’s sudden demise.
It all began quite innocently. A hot dog eating contest – what could be more tranquil, more American? Then, while firmly in the lead, contestant Maxwell, a Wimpton undertaker, gobbled down his 87th tube steak he puffed up, blasted off and dropped dead right in front of grandma and the kiddies who had come to watch the festivities.
“He didn’t choke or nothing. We think he just filled up and detonated,” said Arlo Kasket, Assistant Coroner from over in Pinkyville. “Rufus never weighed more than 135 pounds even after winning the pie eating bout in 2017.”
Others finishing the ingestion match were Julianne Pettifogger, the first woman to swim from Utah to California; Cuerdo Gordo, a decorated bait trimmer from LaSal Junction and the timeless “Patron” Manual Flushe, who raises thoroughbred vienna sausages on his palm-laden manor near Colona.
Judges will conduct a secret lottery to determine who would be declared winner on the night before Maxwell’s funeral.
Onlookers agreed that the enduring struggle with hot dogs was reminiscent of Paul Newman’s predicament in Cool Hand Luke (arguably the best film ever made),
where the hero bragged that he “could eat 80 eggs”.
The upcoming Mañana County Fair, slated for Labor Day Weekend, will feature an alternative vegetarian hot dog eating contest and solar barrel races in honor of the deceased.
Myopic County officials were virtually impossible to reach after the incident. Local scuttlebutt strongly suggests they are attempting to minimize collateral damage to the seasonal carnival which brings in over 4.5 billion dollars to the local economy each August.
Did you know…?
For centuries a term of endearment, Toots (or Tuts, even Tutz in the old Sicilian) was blacklisted as “politically incorrect and offensive” in 2018 for alleged sexist innuendo.
Despite the rejection, the term is still in use in poly-ethnic/geographical pockets, most notably from New York to Boston and in noted Gumba enclaves of Greater Los Angeles.
Next Month: Whadayanuts? – is this word really only two syllables?
PURITANS LAND IN MASS. EN MASSE
(Salem — 1928) A large group of dark-clad, clearly anxious pilgrims calling themselves Puritans have landed on the rocky coast near Marblehead just to the east of here. According to eye witnesses within the indigenous population the funny looking aliens wore stiff collars and wool dress despite the harsh summer weather.
Estimates say there were over 300 of the bug-eyed, somber arrivals. While the actual landing was carried off in an organized manner, several of those present worked until dark unloading crates of guilt which they intended to share with the natives. The New World guilt was processed on the island of Monserrat by Irish slave children, survivors of the Cromwell wars. Much of the cargo replaced reason and compassion on the wooden ships.
“We just ran out of room and opted to keep our weapons, our rigid ideas and a good helping of guilt so as to embrace the future for continental generations to come,” said Orville Pulpitt, an elder said to favor hair shirts and is prone to epic sermons. Unfamiliar with a sextant (which was invented in 1731) Pulpitt took to calling out the demons in the sea and splashing himself with salt water in what some say was an attempt to control seizures brought on by an advanced case of the scurvy.
Puritan missionary work in North America
It is not known if this brand of Calvinism would take root in the New World or if the Roundheads, long persecuted in England, would tolerate other religious ideologies in the forests of New England. Already rumors reaching Europe tell of witch burnings and castigation of fringe/liberal church members.
One member of local Pennacook tribe expressed concern about the new neighbors, saying they appeared pompous and judgmental despite the peaceful message in their sacred guidebook. He plans to move north to avoid potential conflict with the zealots.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Coaxing rain drops on a dry Colorado afternoon is like raising the flag on a lover who has fallen asleep.”
– Susanne Composte
Broncos make curtain call with one quarterback
The Denver Broncos will begin the 2018 season with just one quarterback on the roster. Traditionally teams save one or two spots for backups at that position. Sources all over the league questioned the decision.
The move, however, allows the National Football League club to carry two extra cheerleaders.
The Denver Broncos will play with one quarterback on the roster so as to add two cheerleaders to that squad.
Quarterbacks are particularly vulnerable due to injuries suffered while engaged at the often-precarious role of play caller/field marshal. The one-man action was seen as reckless and risky at best according to local sports personalities.
“The expansion of the cheerleading and drill team should never take precedence over a strong, flowing offense or special teams,” said a former Bronco coach, who once banned women from football practices. “I feel differently today. I have nothing against a woman on the field in a short skirt just so long as she can fill in at outside linebacker.”
No one could confirm any link to the pre-season developments even as two former backups now line up with the practice squad. The two cheerleaders are undrafted free agents who impressed in camp, not waiver bait or throw-aways from other teams according to persons who have no idea what they are talking about.
“Things could easily change during the long season,” said the former coach, “but with the strict salary cap imposed by the NFL the Broncos could still end up on the short end when it comes to field crews, tackling dummies and Gatorade humpers.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
MORATORIUM ON PROPERTY EXCHANGE PASSES
(Crested Butte) A controversial and potentially lethal ordinance, that prohibits the exchange of mountain property after January, has gained the approval of the town council here. In a town long known for an innovative approach to commerce, the decision was received calmly by most. However, anger and confusion reigned within the real estate sector and in other fringe interest groups engaged in land speculation and tumbleweed investments.
The moratorium could achieve stability in land prices since no one can buy or sell property after the deadline. Supporters of the plan say it will weed out the profiteers and transform the local population into one dominated by people who simply want to enjoy living here. The brave, new world will then be populated by people who have purchased land and homes simply to live in and not short-term profit.
“It should improve our lifestyles significantly,” said one council member who is in favor of the concept.
Opponents of plan say it is ridiculous to infringe on the rights of private property and that it is un-American to attempt to control free trade.
“It’s like rent control in the cities and even worse,” said one realtor who admitted that she would have to pack up and move to Paonia if the ordinance goes into effect.
One thing appears certain: If the ordinance prohibiting land transfers is adopted the market will be brisk this fall. The green light does not yet affect Crested Butte South, Mount Crested Butte or an assortment of outlying communities, but rumblings in many of these environs suggests that year-round populations there will follow suit in solidarity with the Crested Butte design.
“Let the soil panderers make a healthy pay check or two before their little world comes crashing down,” said one unreliable source.
The realtors have scheduled a meeting for Wednesday night in hopes of solidifying an effort against the moratorium.
In other council notes the governing group voted to pave their driveways by December and to give licensed dogs the vote in 2020.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
