Salary Caps replace Football Helmets says NFL

(New York) The National Football league says salary caps, not traditional helmets would grace the noggins of players in 2013. The space-age caps, made exclusively of the elytron of a female stag beetle, the fangs of a pigmy fruit bat, and the feathers of a male peacock are said to be soothing to the scalp and to protect from concussions by conjuring up white magic while off the field.

This sect of Lesser Antilles Voodoo believers has set up shop in Miami and is referenced  right along with The Iceman Cometh and The Fireside Book of Baseball  in both the National Hockey League and in the baseball’s American League.

Many say it was becoming difficult to locate helmets large enough to fit the player’s heads anyway.

“This will give us a whole new look for 2012, said Jeremiah Johnson, a spokesman for the owners. It will be like the old days when players went at it with no face guards and fans could identify players face to face without names stenciled on their backs. When a player got leveled everyone could see who he was.”

Player response was minimal with one special teams’ standout asking if the new bonnets would come out of his pay or if the team would absorb the expenses like it does with shaoulder pads, towels and jock straps.               – Warren of Wexley