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Lack of Eligible Ladies Drives Bachelors to Despair

(Ouray) The overabundance of males in the San Juan Region has driven many to the slums of the cities in search of a mate and a more affectionate future. Already the rings of poverty around urban centers have grown faster than the cities themselves, creating a nightmare for police and social services providers. The chronic problem becomes epidemic during winter months when distractions are fewer, outdoor activities are somewhat limited and men are forced to sit around contemplating their tragic status.

Shortages of proper lady dancing partners like burrs in the saddle say most West Slope bachelors

     “The big lie that manifests itself here is that opportunities for romance are burgeoning in large population areas,” said Herb Valentine, who runs a half-way house for recovering romantics on Red Mountain. “Almost to a man they arrive in the city to find nothing but the same. Soon they are sucked into the dredged society and turn to crime to avert starvation.”

     Addictions to such plentiful drugs as Laudanum (Ronald Reagan’s drug of choice) and cheap alcohol are rampant and especially destructive in the younger population, many of them still virgins. Falling smack into the lap of poverty, these new arrivals have nothing between them and a certain, lonely demise.

     “It’s sadder than the mug on John Boehner during budget negotiations with Barack Obama,” said Valentine.

Women in Denver City searching for male company. “Look no further, ” say Western Slope single gents.

     Overtures are already in motion urging large groups of eligible flatlander females to take their vacations in Western Colorado en masse, especially in the winter. Some more aggressive hopefuls are even calling for the complete relocation of women so as to attain their lofty goals.

     A complicated rating system that couples males and females has been scrapped in favor of simpler Friday night dances, hay rides and gala Sunday brunch festivities designed to create dialogue and potential matchmaking. Critics of these moves say males must be eligible too or the system will cave in under its own weight.

     “Eligible is a relative term on a cold winter night,” said Valentine, “at least for these boys.”

     Women seeking to pursue this line of reasoning should send photos and information to Social Director, Ouray Mountain Rescue Flowers and Gifts, Old Maid Mine, Colorado.

– Uncle Pahgre