All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"

NSA Caught Spying on Itself

(Washington) The National Security Agency has been caught with its pants down again. According to recently released data the spooks have staked themselves out right in front of the looking glass. The accusations received at 5 leading U.S. newspapers this morning allege that the spies have come full circle and lapped themselves and, in doing so have spent millions of tax payer dollars in the process.

Initial information leaked by Edward Snowden, the whistleblower now living in Russia, was enough to tip off senators already investigating the questionable activities of the bloated espionage crew. Soon surveillance verified that the arrogant beagles had been poking around, collecting intelligence, some odious, some petty, some meaningless, but all stored away for future application.

“These bozos are so wrapped up in the international cloak and dagger racket that they have been spying on themselves,” said the accompanying correspondence from Snowden. “After watching them I am proud that I released the damning data, although it’s starting to get cold here in Moscow.”

“We were working on an official apology letter to the government of Brazil, a nation spied on by the NSA, when we discovered that the scandal was much more extensive than we thought,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “We knew these sleuths were sniffing around but we didn’t really they had their noses up the posterior of allies and friends across the globe.”

Noise called the behavior of the NSA insidious and incompetent. He said that the NSA, which reports to the Homeland Security Agency had no real curbs or controls put on it and did pretty much as it damn well pleased in the name of the citizens of the United States.

A spokesperson for the rogue agency had little comment this morning. Rumors persist that the entire staff is severely constipated and called in sick for the the third day in a row. Most of the guilty parties have seniority, cannot be fired and will most likely be transferred to another wing of the gov’ment.

“If they were spying on Brazilian bikinis that would be one thing,” said Noise, “but they were spying on a friend with which we have had good diplomatic relations for decades.”

Several other victims of these ardent fanatics have filed official complaints with the state department. All have embassies in the U.S. All are angry.

“We must nip this kind of transgression in the bud before American tourists are not welcome anywhere, even Russia,” he said.

BIG BOX FASHION SHOW SLATED FOR MONTROSE

(Spring Creek) The first ever fashion show completely devoted to Big Box figures will be held at the Montrose Fairgrounds February 5-9. Presentations will focus on large sizes and the impact of overloading in the closet as well as on the street or avenue. In addition to the fashion review the program features information kiosks dubbed Why Lose Weight? and “The More the Merrier.”. Issues such as justice in plane overcrowding, park bench maintenance, increased undertaker/casket fees for the opulent and satellite industries emerging from a chubby population are expected to be well represented. Health issues will not to be addressed. Every fast food interest known to man will be represented with grease booths and plenty of free samples.

“We are tired of the fashion world obsessing with skinny models when most of the consumers in these United States are obese or at least overweight,” said Hector Delgado, organizer of the event which will be televised by stations all over Grand Junction. Radio coverage will converge on the scene on the runway and is expected to emphasize locally manufactured clothing and accessories for the modern man and woman.

Since the clearly overweight and obese now make up the majority of Americans the response has been overwhelming and a large turnout is anticipated.

This initial display of Big Box fashion carries with it a dangerous message that “It’s OK To Be Fat”.

Several groups have threatened to boycott the show saying that it has no place in Colorado – The Skinniest of the 50 States. Some more militant advocates say they will disrupt the proceedings so as to send a clear message that this state of affairs is not acceptable or beneficial to a healthy social order.

Entertainment will be provided by the legendary Bad Tuna Boys featuring the virtuoso yodeling of Big Steppe. Psychiatric testing for corpulent participants will be provided by the local pork growers.

“Obesity is a sad slice of life,” said one activist. “End of story.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

BINGO PARLORS – INNOCENT PASTIME?

(Montrose) Every night hundreds of people play bingo here in this Western Colorado hub. It’s fun and it gives many of them a chance to socialize without spending a fortune on other forms of entertainment. Of late, zealots in the community (fresh from knightly jousts with evil gargoyles) have decided that bingo is a sin, due to associations with numerology.

“We knew it was gambling, in a sense,” said Margot Rotweiller, executive director of the Central Rockies Recreational Bingo Coalition, “but we didn’t really think we were committing immoral acts here at the hall. Sure, cigarette smoking used to be permitted and coffee is served, but the only drinking done is off the premises.”

Many neighbors insist that not only the bingo callers but the board itself are in league with the devil.

“Haven’t you heard about numerology and the application of negative powers?” asked a frightened looking, self-admitted former drug addict turned righteous last night or the night before. “Don’t you even watch the television evangelists? They need your money more than this bawdy bingo parlor.”

At present no one has come forth to be saved or to respond to the accusations of this vocal minority. It is not know whether people take their pleas seriously or if they are simply asleep.

“We’re functioning completely within the law,” said Rotweiller, who added that over 200,000 people have passed through the doors of the her bingo emporium since it opened in 1994. “In Salem they burned witches, in Nazi Germany they burned books, today they bomb abortion clinics. I suppose it was naive of us bingo fans to think we’d be exempt from the terrible swift sword.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

St. Roscoe’s Adds Jungle Medicine Whiz

(Mañana) The physicians and surgeons at St Roscoe Memorial Hospital today welcomed Dr. Hex LooDioux to the staff  of specialists at the institution. LooDioux, from Brazil by way of Sierra Leone will oversee the experimental medicine wing as well as man the emergency room fetish desk on weekends. His education at some of the finest medical schools in Europe was accentuated by three years practicing Candomble’ orthopedics in Salvador and another residency in the remote forests of Borneo studying the effects of pharmaceuticals on the love life of the Dayak fruit bat.

“Dr LooDioux comes well pedigreed,” said Dr. Good-Saint, former AMA poster boy and Director of Medical operations at St Roscoe’s. “His research in primitive medicine and folk cures is equalled only by his exploratory senses and surgical skills. Plus he plays golf.”

Hoping to play down his longtime embrace of Vodun (West African Voodoo), Loodioux has mastered fly fishing and coaches Little League baseball. He has recently joined the hospital bingo league and the local Baptist church. He has limited daily chanting to the early morning and replaced the statue of Mami Wata at the entrance of his office with one of Hippocrates.

Says LooDioux, “According to Yoruba Mythology people who pay for medical services with chickens or goats run the risk of their children being born with facial features resembling these animals.”

While an intern at a private hospital in Dakar, LooDioux upset the local hospital hierarchy by prescribing rum and cigars to most of his patients and performing spells on the sick in their homes saving them the expense and discomfort of a hospital stay.

LooDioux is the third cousin of Prince Elmo Zaribbe of Nigeria, a staunch ally of the U.S. “just so long as the checks clear”. He is said to have 112 wives and over 300 children none of whom have accompanied him to his new post in the Rockies. – Manual Flushe

Size not important most women say

(Chalmette, LA) The size of a pair of shoes is not always the first consideration prior to a purchase according to a majority of women polled this week. Seventy-five percent of female shoppers surveyed here say other variables, such as style, color and price are far more important than fit.

“Of course one must realize that this response was preceded by “drawn/slightly tight” to “loose/unconstricted” in in no way implies that women would go around in shoes that cut off circulation or kept falling off.

“Today’s woman is looking to make a fashion statement from head to toe,” said Margot Rotweiller, president of Feets Don’t Fail Me Now, a New England Cordwainer and Cobbler outfit that turned its first leather shoe in 1703. “If the style is right she can grow into it. If the price is right she can make do.”

Closets are often piled high with shoes that fit perfectly well but “just don’t work” according to those responding to the questionnaire, circulated throughout the Marie LaVeau’s Irish Channel Shopping Mall this weekend. The well-dressed woman prefers a little initial discomfort over color clashes and last year’s drab or outmoded version.

On the male side of the coin, secondary data, collected subliminally at free sausage and cheese pavilions, suggest that most men don’t give a hoot what they look like just so long as they are comfortable. The mantra for the average male, at least in Louisiana is:  If it’s got shoe laces – go with it.     – Manual Flushe

Paradise becoming household word

(Paradise Divide) Once a term that huddled up with utopia, heaven, bliss, nirvana, Zion and Shangri-la paradise has become the catchword for a vast assortment of locales all over the globe. It’s become a testimony for the unimaginative who somehow think their paradise is the real paradise and that the others are pretenders to the throne.

The other day I received an e-mail from a woman on Little Corn Island in Nicaragua. She thanked me for my query saying that my letter had arrived in two weeks from the U.S.. Then she said “Things move slow here in paradise. What? Which paradise? I wrote her back that I too lived in paradise, only mine was 8000 feet and not on the beach. She didn’t seem to get it. Has she only visited one paradise in her life? How limited. I won’t stay at her hotel.

Then there was the pension in Grenada (Nicaragua) called Another Night in Paradise. How clever. I won’t stay there even one night, even if they have ice. Too bad. Here we have a minimum of undeveloped spots in the world and some clown has to call them paradise. What do you think that will do? It will bring more people in search of their own personal heaven and wreck the place in a matter of months.

Realtors love to use the word paradise when promoting the sale of land. They have jacked up paradise to where it means nothing. Maybe that’s why they’re always posing in their ads with face lifts and with Golden Retrievers, ya think?

There are paradise beaches, passes, plateaus, peaks, rivers, lakes, tributaries, canals, malls, valleys, meadows, freeways, tours, ski areas, motors, acres, coiffures, temples, tattoo parlors, car lots, restaurants, bars, skating rinks, plazas, rest homes, trailer parks, kennels, counseling centers, liquor stores and botanical gardens. And that’s just the beginning of the roster.

Every state in this country has at least one town named Paradise. There’s Paradise, New York; Paradise, Illinois; Paradise, Florida and Paradise Texas to start with. I have been to all of these and I cannot detect even a subtle hint of paradise, unless it’s the high-tech car wash in Florida or the pork ribs in Texas.

Not to beleaguer the point: Maybe it’s time for the idle rich in Crested Butte to belly up to the wine bar and formulate a new concept in reference to the town and region. How about Elysium or Lubberland. Both words are in the dictionary and so far as I can tell there is not so much as one Elysium, New York or Lubberland, Illinois.

In closing, the word paradise appears in the dictionary right between paradigm and paradox. What more do we need to proceed? Does one have to walk into walls to prove they are there? Would a two by four do the job? – Rocky Flats