All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"
BORED OUT OF MIND
by Jonathan Lowe
“Insecurity,” repeats Bernard Grossman unequivocally, “is what makes the world go round.” (Love, of course, has shriveled completely out of contention). It is insecurity, says Grossman, while on a lecture tour at $6000 per hour, which has been inculcated into the American psyche to the exclusion of everything-objectivity, perception, all the major emotions, sanity, and even so called ‘!common sense”. I caught Grossman’s lecture at Purgatory Junior College high in the Rockies after having read a circular which was stuck in my windshield wiper at the Perimeter Mall (where I’d been to see “The Fly” at one of those theater multiplexes which play second-run specials—a ticket and popcorn for a buck fifty). I figured I needed a highbrow change of pace since my brain had appeared (to me at least) somewhat flabby on my most recent CAT scan. The $14 fee and the hard seat notwithstanding, I was determined to enjoy the evening, and before introductions were even completed I’d already forgotten that “Robot Monster” was playing across town for aback—which included the privilege of choosing sides in the bloody Cola wars. Thanks to Grossman’s reacting to his own introduction with applause (not to mention his exaggerated facial tics and the ability to make clearing his throat sound curiously like the swirl of water in a toilet bowl), I soon no longer regretted the fact that my wiper blade had failed to dislodge the advertisement in question, even after twenty consecutive sweeps. And so, with a growing sense of anticipation, I awaited the opportunity to exercise my long dormant brain with the help of a man who had earned honorary degrees in physics and parapsychology from Upper Volta University and had gained a GED from Mickey Rooney Institute of Burbank. What follows is a brief summation of what Grossman sees through his red, road map eyes as he stares out across the experience of eighteen months since the publication of “Grossman’s Guide to the Galaxy” (a book that not only rocked the scientific community because it described the Andromedian Galaxy, but which enabled Grossman to -achieve his more practical dream of being interviewed by Robin Leach on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”.) Grossman On Astral Projection “Looking down on your body is very difficult to achieve, as you may have suspected. While many people hate their bodies, they have yet to master this skill. Simply loathing what you look like will not work in most instances. You have to be able to do it with your eyes closed. Once you learn to do this, however, all that remains is really despising “where you are”.” Grossman On Aliens “There is an Intelligence at work in the Universe and it’s damn well not us. Of all the planets my consciousness has visited I have yet to witness a similar form of life. Is this an accident I ask, or rather by design? And what will happen when this Intelligence decides which Designer Aliens are “in” style and which “out”. Will we bipeds really become the rage in space? Of course if all of this IS by chance, then I suspect that the galaxies are merely cells in the body of this other Intelligence. In which case Black Holes can be thought of as cancer cells associated with not getting enough fiber in the diet. My attempts at mental projection in order to communicate with this Being (if it exists) have been blocked by what may be its blood/brain barrier. Optically, of course the telescope on Mount Palomar can only see as far as the walls of its intestines. Viewing is difficult due to the presence of gas.”
Grossman On Entertainment “Humans are unique, and particularly in that they alone have developed extremely short attention spans. (Only a hummingbird’s is shorter). This is the direct result of the advent of the 30 second TV commercial. Searching the fossil records, we discover that prehistoric man may have taken as long as three months on a single cave drawifig. Today we pride ourselves on how many subway cars we can vandalize in three minutes. And even best sellers these days have titles such as “The One Minute Lover”. In fact without music videos and special effects we become bored after exactly 84 seconds. Last year it was 92 seconds. When the countdown reaches zero, someone will push the BUTTON as soon as the batteries in their Sonny Watchman die. Question: If an ancient race with solutions to all of our problems arrives on earth, will we have the patience to listen-or will we put them on TV and judge them by the Neilsen ratings? Grossman On Love “The major problem with love is that because of high divorce rates of recent decades, homo sapiens have come to realize that they can probably fall in -love with just about anything and anybody. So now it has become harder to fall in love, even over a candlelight dinner. Unless, of course, it is too dark to see what is going on? (Finally) Grossman On Insecurity “The reason insecurity is so important during our present state of evolution is because we’ve finally realized that we’re not so big after all. It all started about the time Galileo took out a comprehensive insurance policy on his new telescope. It will end on the day when we suddenly wake up to the realization that there are more lawyers on the planet than non-lawyers. Epilogue At home, later the same evening I practiced flexing my new mental muscles, an with incredible strain eventually managed to float my consciousness out the window and high over my house. But after a minute and a half of this I became inexplicably bored, which I suspect was not only because it was too dark to see what was going on in any neighbor’s fenced-in pool. Was this really the final frontier? I asked myself bleakly.
Quickly dodging several quite common birds, I returned to my body, changed clothes, a cruised over to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Shove for the 37th time, making a mental note to sue Grossman for at least a refund. But when I came out of the movie there was a second leaflet stuck in my wiper blade. Grossman, it said, was moving to the Wimpton Com-munity Garden Club & Civic Center for a limited engagement. (Obviously, though, he knew from where the bulk of his audiences would continue to come.). I decided to drop the idea of a lawsuit and buy another ticket when I saw the subject: “Intermediate Projection-Getting Higher Than A Kite”. There was also an order form attached for Grossman’s second offering “The Missing Link”. The blurb went, Tor an examination of cave art, travel back in time with the professor 2 hill-lion or 20 million years back. Apparently like the multitude interviewed by Robin Leach, Grossman wasn’t too sure about the decimal point
The goddess named Sneffels
Mount Sneffels takes her morning peek over Log Hill Mesa in Ouray County, Colorado
AMA Recommends Porch Sitting
Delta, CO — News of Bibs and Bonnets – May 25, 2015
In a total reversal from previous suggestion the American Medical Association now heartily urges all Americans to porch sit for at least two hours per day. Discounting long-held views as to the benefits of exercise the AMA even went so far as to imply that too much running around could be harmful to the general attitude.
A new pamphlet “Safe, Effective Porch Sitting” is available at your local pharmacy. A companion booklet “The Porch – The Front Soul” asks some reaching questions, probing the psycho-neurological condition of a person who would actually buy a home without a porch on the front of it.
Porch sitting, as most of us know, if a relaxing logical shutdown where the sitter engages in any number of projects from sleeping in a hammock to painting the thing. Often it is experienced as a short pause but can last all day and in to the night when not curtailed by other socialization. It is a wonderful way to wake up in the morning no matter where the sun might be.
An often-asked question in response to these urgent conceptions herein and therein is: “But what if I don’t got a porch?” The answer, say the docs, is to get one.” – Small Mouth Bess
Cereal Killer Still at Large
(Ridgway, CO — Back of the Box Press — May 25, 2015)
A person of interest, described as a madman continues to elude police this evening leaving this mountain hamlet on edge.
The cold-blooded assassin has now claimed responsibility for the untimely demise Frank L. White, the Cream of Wheat chef, who was found dead yesterday. Such standout mascots as Tony the Tiger, Fruity Pebbles, Sugar Bear, Captain Crunch, Snap, Crackle and Pop and others have already fallen.
The killer seems to get stronger and less visible with every episode. Detectives on the case agree that the carnage from one violent act provides the flame, the desire to commit further atrocities.
Anyone who has appeared on a Wheaties box is urged to be careful, modify daily routines, pack some protection, and not wander around alone after dark.
“Pretty soon we’re bound to run out of cereal box personalities and this killer will expand his/her guest list,” said former town councilman and San Miguel County refugee Patsy Cake. “If this continues I’ll move back to Telluride.”
In her best-selling autobiography “Vile Coffee and the Educated Electorate” Ouray County health official Dr. Kaye Zevonne discusses the effects of metabolic stress on cardboard hate crimes.
“Whenever we see violence against innocent cereal box personalities we can pretty much determine that no one is safe,” says the doctor, who specializes in abnormal psychology both at work and in her daily life. “These copy cat crimes are the result of a desire to be important, even famous. It’s a sick culture that tolerates these actions with or without milk and sugar.”
Police are requesting that all residents keep their doors secured and eat only lunch and dinner until this matter is resolved.
“We’ll catch this monster and cut off his corn flakes, if you get my drift,” said one deputy. – Rufus Max
Faithful Warned of Shortages in Hereafter
(Bridge of Heaven – Ouray County, Colorado –May 25, 2015)
Persons expecting to enter the Pearly Gates should be aware of heavenly imperfections, even up there, said Rev. Price Bullwhistle, at a meeting of the Rich, Privileged Christians held last night.
Bullwhistle said that while most everything is cushy, there are a few rough spots still to work out. He then stressed that the righteous follow him in embracing a little reality where eternity is concerned.
“Many of the saved may not have their own bathroom in heaven,” he offered, “nor will all the meals feature meat. We must be patient with the angels,” he flinched. “A well-rounded Christian can adapt, especially considering the known alternatives.”
Other news covered in the three-hour session focused on eliminating political and cultural rivals and making more money for the congregation.
Quoting from the Book of Moammar, one of the Bad Angels of Orange County, Bullwhistle noted some of the more cutting shortages in the Great Beyond:
- Fuel is in short supply up there due in part to delivery distances and Purgatorial bandits along the way. Myths about 29-cent gas and full service garages are bunk and nothing more. Since OPEC is staffed with heathens who cannot go to heaven anyway the organization has en none to quick to drop prices.
- Fast food outlets are disappearing at a rapid pace since the celestial populace has rejected that fare in favor of a healthier intake. Shortages of wilted lettuce and stale ketchup have not helped the situation.
- Moses no longer drives a red Cadillac. He now operates a Toyota, built in Tel Aviv.
- Pay phones are not still 5 cents in fact they are up to a half-dollar, if one can find one that works. A call from heaven to, say, Limbo can cost $40 for 3 minutes while the cost to call hell is obscenely expensive.
- Lift tickets are not $10 at sacred ski resorts but have climbed to the ungodly sum of $35. Greens fees are out of this world too.
Bullwhistle went on to tell the assembled faithful that politics exhibit a mean streak in paradise, just like on earth.
“Richard Nixon was never pardoned up there,” he bellowed through his flag-draped megaphone. “He wasn’t even elected governor of California either.”
According to Bullwhistle black and white footage of the 1936 Olympics in Munich does not show Adolph Hitler shaking hands with Jesse Owens after the latter, a Black American stole the Aryan Show. Hitler, who lives downstairs, is a popular after-dinner speaker demanding 120,000 indulgences per speech. Even he complains about the quality of the whirlpool strudel, which is anonymously served by SS cheerleaders, after each performance.
On a social note Bullwhistle warned of such common myths like “I’m in heaven now so I can eat as much as I like or Forget about personal hygiene. I’m a spirit now and nobody can smell me anyway.”
Imagine if you will, started Bullwhistle, a slow-moving elevator crammed with the fat and the righteous. No toothpaste, no deodorant on this excursion. Hey, who dropped the soap?” he cackled. “Hell may indeed brandish its fury but we would have smelleth heaven’s wrath!”
The reverend continued by verifying that the New York Times Book Review and The Daily Show are easily found in heaven. He confirmed that falling through clouds injured at least 140,000 Heavenians since the turn of the last century.
“Persons who judge their neighbor down here will be saddled with less than good footing up there,” he smiled.
– Saint Roscoe of Paddycake
