All Entries Tagged With: "Ignorance of Geography could be fatal"

A CONVERSATION WITH THE GEOGRAPHY GURU

“I don’t care how much money you may have. If you can’t tell the difference between Bismarck and Pierre you’re still an idiot in my book.”   – Monsieur Geography

“Those who disregard geography are destined to get lost.”   – Giuseppe Garibaldi

     Well, there you have it, at least according to these semi-noted experts in the field of geography. Some people wander around the planet with no comprehension of what’s around the next corner while others are obsessed with the location and status of every paltry little stream and insignificant mountain range from Toronto to Tierra del Fuego.

     In determining the importance of geography one may find two distinct schools of thought on the subject. The first, which is probably the most accepted, at least as far as daylight lip service goes, suggests that the study of geography is imperative if one seeks to understand his immediate surroundings. The second, an apathetic, almost cynical view, holds that accumulating this kind of information is meaningless.

     A few weeks ago it was brought to light that 75% of Evelyn Terkle’s 8th grade class, over in Baldwin, could not correctly identify the island of Britain on a map, even on a clear day. Places like Bosnia, Angola and Michigan were totally out of the question. Many could only find Montrose by looking for Wal-Mart. While upsetting, with regards to the first school of thought, the disclosure brought loud cheers of sarcastic approval in the second camp.

Take pride in thy ignorance and it will return to bite thee on the butt. – St Roscoe of the Apocalypse.

     In order to better comprehend the current status of geographical intelligence, or the lack of such in this country, we have, at great expense, brought in a recognized topographic wizard, Monsieur LaLoy Geography. Besides answering a flock of pressing questions as to the future of his work, our guest will share a few tips on improving geographical comprehension and will present the serious student with a simple quiz which, according to him, goes a long way toward measuring perceived awareness. Let’s get on with it:

Horseshoe: So, Msr. Geography, is it your contention that people who lack basic geographical skills are downright stupid?

Msr. Geography: Please call me Phil, and yes, we have found a strong correlation between inherent knowledge of place and general intelligence, if only in the sense that people who are oblivious to the natural order on their planet are not prone to accumulating other significant data either. They are, in short, bozos, who have no right to take up space here and should be brutally executed at the earliest convenience.

Horseshoe: That’s interesting, but why is it important to accumulate this knowledge if we have no plans to get out of town?

Phil: Let me answer that question with another question: Do you suppose that if a locale is not on your bus route that it does not exist?

Horseshoe: Bus route? What do buses, or even luxury automobiles have to do with our conversation?

Phil: Tell that to the last Mad Max who tried to drive his Cadillac to Kuala Lumpur. Had he digested even the simplest course on earth description he would have opted to fly, saving himself a great deal of money and embarrassment.

Horseshoe: Of course he would. Not to change the immediate subject, but wasn’t it you who suggested that the world is actually flat and not round at all?

Phil: The world is flat. All one has to do is go for a walk to figure that out. Some places are flatter than others. For instance, Kansas is flatter than a pancake, while Colorado enjoys endless mountains that were formed by the gaseous ski industry after the War. Livestock don’t realize this simple reality and that is precisely why they are suspended in their present predicament.

Horseshoe: Why don’t people take more of an interest in this fascinating science?

Phil: Because one cannot negotiate land masses with his remote control channel changer. They think all of us geographers are in the sub-genius category and that they cannot hope to achieve, much less maintain, our level of competence.

Horseshoe: So what if my analyst can’t give proper directions to Moline or if my physician can’t find Paraguay on the world map?

Phil: Hey, don’t you know that the Information Age has short-sheeted all of us? What are the neighborhood morons doing getting pedicures, watching football, attending Tupperware parties and jacking up their four-wheel-drives? Information is the new god of the millennium! Those looking over their shoulders will be turned to salt! Vengeance is mine sayeth…

Horseshoe: Don’t get excited Monsieur Geography. At this altitude you could have a stroke.

Phil: I told you to call me Phil. Exactly what altitude of are we at anyway?

Horseshoe: Oh, 7700 feet above sea level .

Phil: Well, that’s better, but how many more of you could answer that question without driving by the sign at the entrance to town?

Horseshoe: Hmmmm. We see that you’ve brought along some props. Could you explain?

Phil: I have maps, globes, atlases, sophisticated navigational apparatus, weather balloons, compasses, climate charts, psysio-graphic and meteorological surveys and other assorted tools with which to illustrate my point..

Horseshoe: Great. What do you intend to do with them?

Phil: Sell them, stupid. What do you think? If you had a phone at your desk we could put together one of those home shopping network shindigs and corner a few bucks while we’re flapping our jaws.

Horseshoe: If time permits. Wow, that’s one nice globe. What’s it made of? How did you get it so flat?

Phil: It’s just Jello. And that’s usually a professional secret, my boy, but I drove over it with my Corvair.

Horseshoe: Awesome, but what can a person do to better improve his comprehension of, say, the general geography of the United States?

Phil: The best way I know is to take a bus trip from New York to Los Angeles. Those transports travel through every jerkwater town along the way. Most people are so bored that they begin to subliminally retain even the most meaningless of jagged statistics. I knew a woman who memorized the populations of all the towns from Toledo to Green River, just for something to do. Now there’s a potential geography whiz! The only reason she gave up in Utah is that she realized the signs had featured the altitudes, and not the populations, since way back at Julesburg, whoever he was.

Horseshoe: Really. What else?

Phil: Try reading those red, one-way road maps in your eyes, sailor, or attempt to learn the location of at least one world capital per day. In a few decades, you could actually be geographically literate, if you’re memory is any good. Remember: maps are fun for everyone! If we choose to ignore geography why not blow off all other imperative structures such as spelling, grammar, physical laws, social norms, simple math, TV sitcoms and the checks and balances in our government.

Horseshoe: Great. But have you ever met a geography major? Most are tediously boring  at best.

Phil: There’s no need to get personal. We are not trivia nazis. We are students of the planet. Here’s the damn quiz. Good luck…

Basic Geography Quiz #611

Answer the following questions to the best of your ability. Feel free to lean on any references since it is doubtful that you will find them. Passing this simple test could get you a permanent spot on most leading television game shows or could get you elected to public office.

1. Why is Kansas City in Missouri?

2. From which direction does the moon first appear in the morning?

3. Where do Hawaiian shirts go in winter?

4. If Napoleon thought Waterloo was in Holland why then did he refuse to speak Flemish to his cavalry?

5. Is the practice of following the Grateful Dead a geological or geographical endeavor?

6. What is the normal cab fare from Mecca to Medina (Al Madinah)? How much tip is expected?

7. Why is the cover matting of National Geographic Magazine always in yellow?

8. Where did the term get lost originate?

9. Why doesn’t Rand McNally include heaven and hell on its atlas?

10. Why don’t the residents of Turkey change the name of their country? Don’t they realize that everyone is laughing at them?

Send your answers to Geography Editor, San Juan Horseshoe before August 2, 2025. Bonus question: If one heads west on Colorado Avenue which direction is he headed?

(Editor’s note: Products featured in the Monsieur Geography Interview can be purchased by writing: Msr. Geography, Box 1220, Santa Fe, WY. They are said to make wonderful Christmas gifts.)

– Melvin Toole, a convicted cartographer, thinks Paris is France.