All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
AJAX SET TO GO OFF
(Telluride) Ajax Mountain, the rocky Casanova peak that dominates the immediate eastern landscape here, is about to explode. That’s what seismic impulses detected since early yesterday clearly indicate.
Despite the fact that Ajax is not, and has never been volcanic, tremors felt as far away as Cahone suggest that local residents may be in for a big surprise. Scientists working round the clock at Bridal Veil Falls Observatory are hoping to pinpoint the exact time of the eruption. At press time they conclude that the mountain will most likely blow her top on or about April 15.
“At least she’s waiting until the end of ski/tax season,” said a Telpie gov’ment/ marketing source. “It’s hell trying to market a ski area with volcanoes going off. We had enough trouble with the airlines and slick roads. Let’s just hope the whole incident has followed its course and is over by Bluegrass.”
Local volcanoes Little Cone and Lone Cone, located to the west, haven’t erupted since before the Utes moved in. They have been examined on an annual basis for the sake of public safety, having been chronicled as dormant. This whole Ajax phenomenon appears to have surfaced from out of the high altitude rockwork.
Volunteers from the local population have already began sandbagging from the Idarado Mill to the site of the ancient city of Pandora. These regiments are made up primarily of home owners and realtors, concerned about the price of properties covered in lava.
“We know that lava creates great soil but we’re not a farming community — We’re a resort!” said Herm Mitt, associate broker at Catastrophe Realty on Pacific Street. “What are we to expect? A latter day Pompeii? Does this mean we’ll finally have hot springs of our own?”
Dr. Suzanne Cheavers, a visiting seismic fellow from Cal Amari University told The Horseshoe that things like this are quite common all over the world and in Grand Junction.
“Imagine shoppers lingering on the avenue at the time of massive impact,” she began, “hoisting that last precious cappuccino to their lips, moments before they are preserved forever under mounds of hot lava. Avalanche danger — A latte for eternity!”
Cheavers then suggested that the occurrence of an earthquake has nothing to do with sin and debauchery like in the old movies. She said that virgins have not been effective in holding back hot magma from the conduit throat of the parasitic cone but that its often fun to try.
“Ancient man thought it was a goof to throw some young thing down the volcano on a Saturday night,” said the doctor. “It’s a lot like square dancing, bowling or going to the movies today. It just goes to show that recreational pursuits really haven’t changed that much in centuries. Who ever thought skiing would catch on.”
Although not expected to pack the wallop of volcanoes such as Krakatoa or even Cotopaxi, Ajax is no wimpy volcano. Classified as the Strombolian type it should feature thick lava, gases and numerous explosions. The bars should be packed.
Up in the fashionable Mountain Village residents are standing pat. Confidant that an impenetrable system of security checkpoints will save them they continue to go about their business as usual.
“The lava would have to fill up the entire Bear Creek Valley before we’d get touched,” said J. Jimmy James Woolcotte, of Fort Worth. “I’ve seen this same kind of thing once while floating the Brazos on Pearl. We just offered the thing cash. I just hope we don’t have a mad exit of refugees on the gondola. Those people down in Telluride can be so frumpish.”
Dr. Cheavers plans to consult with other anthropologists in the region and construct a viable master plan with which to organize resistance.
“Either we’ll survive or we won’t,” she said. “Ultimately even National Historic Districts are temporary and, after the dust settles, it might be a lot easier to find a place to park.” – Kashmir Horseshoe
LIFE, LOVE AND AREPAS
- Which transport over the pass to Riosucio?
Photo by Delinda Austin
LIFE, LOVE AND AREPAS IN THE GREEN COLOMBIAN ANDES
The next installment of Love and Antioquia, will now be presented novela (the game show concept failed to generate any interest). But before I become further distracted from my immedite chore I wish to remind you that the Spanish word for the day is tierna, which means tender, and describes my traveling companion.
LOVE AND AREPAS
All plates in Colombia feature a big (or sometimes small) bad arepa for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It’s a cross between a dry corn bread and a dry corn tortilla. Just looking at one has been known to produce cottonmouth. I think people eat them because they always have and for no other good reason. But they are tenacious. In their defense arepas are friends with scrambled eggs and cheese, beans and rice or potato soup and a salad.
RUM BEFORE DISHONOR
Beautiful window shutters in Jardin
Upon arrival at LaTampa Cafe in Jardin for my morning coffee I noticed my friend Alfonso was meticulously filling a large chuckhole with coffee grinds from his operation. I watched him complete the job and said nothing.
Jardin looks a lot like Ouray and acts like Ridgway back in the 70s. Salsa, Cumbia, Tango blasting from the bars mixing unintentionally with church bells and the clop of horses on the cobblestones. We saw few gringos in the two weeks spent here. Even fewer up above town where our hotel had a big bathtub and two delicious trucherias (trout restaurants) ruled the roost. One of these eateries, Valdivia, features a very social German Shepherd greeter at the gate.The culture is strong in Antioquia, not yet diluted by world tourism, which has affected other towns on the so-called gringo trail. The better your Spanish, the better your visit.
MUCHO RUIDO
Tree falls in Jardin Photo by Delinda Austin
Did you know that famous Colombian singer Alci Acosta honed his vocal skills selling chocolate in Riosucio? (Home of some of the meanest birds in the world). That’s where we are headed over a three-hour dirt road in the back of a chiva (a pickup with covers and bench seats). It will be nice to have some silence but, no way; Someone turns on a blasting radio station from Manizales. Noise is a definite irritant in Colombia but fortunately I brought along my 5 x 8, super whambo 800-decibal Cerwin Vega alto veces (loud speakers) to act as ample equalizers.
Jardin Plaza Song
The elders convene
on the plaza today
Mornings to the east
Afternoons to the west
remembering the yesterdays
on the plaza
remembering when youth confused them
remembering the joys denied.
These precious wonders of life
on the plaza.
Giant Ejected from Montrose Men’s Room
Local Events As We Imagine Them
(SoMo DFZ* – Feb 25, 2015)) A bullying giant was forcibly evicted from a public lavatory early this morning after police received countless complaints from bar patrons. According to eyewitnesses the inebriated giant became abusive when cut off and asked to leave the premises.
It took more than a dozen police officers and several militiamen about three hours to eject the intimidating titan who had cleverly wrapped his gargantuan body around a string of urinals and stalls. Finally after “great perseverance” rescuers managed to pry the monster free, squeeze him through the front door and strap him securely atop a waiting cruiser.
The overstuffed culprit (measured at 6 feet, 10 inches and weighing well over 300 pounds) is currently housed in a suite of cells at the local slammer charged with disturbing the peace, felonious mischief, stealing toilet paper and wasting water. Ironically he had become a tourist attraction when sober but police warned that “he has arms and should be considered dangerous”. They urged residents to lock their doors, order a pizza and watch police shows on television.
The San Juan Horseshoe chose not to report the story until later in the afternoon contending that the news might frighten tourists away from the town. After further investigation it became clear that the giant had once been employed as a proofreader/bouncer at the paper but was fired because he was too big to fit behind the copy desk. – Gabby Haze
*South Montrose Duty Free Zone
City Imports Exotic Pigeons
(Montrose — Feb 25, 2015) The present junta and the secretary for Economic Development don’t agree on much but they agree that Montrose needs more pigeons. Already these entities have purchased a skeleton crop of the birds from St Louis, Cincinnati and Philadelphia that will be used to breed a healthy flock of rare Jacobin Fancy Pigeons.
Further purchases must be approved by the city council and at press time all are aboard on this venture.
“We had planned to acquire only the most exotic pigeons such as the Blue Crowned Pigeon, the African Olive Pigeon and the Black Banded Dove but our budget fell short,” said Junior T. Reich, a spokesman for the city. “Imagine birds of this genre wandering our streets. What a tourist draw. They don’t even have anything like this in Grand Junction!”
The birds are expected to arrive by air on Friday and be released at the Pavilion. Residents are urged to come out and observe this wondrous sight.
“This should give us a little more clout with Denver,” said Reich. “Everyone knows only important, big cities have pigeons in them.”
Although the Pigeon Decision has been whisked past the voters, most elected officials are in favor of the move. Conflicts of interest have emerged since one commissioner sells umbrellas, a councilperson maintains a peanut vending cart and another creates outdoor sculptures.
“So what if these people benefit from the pigeon population?” asked Reich. “That’s how government and commerce can be mutually supportive. The presence of these birds will create jobs in the cleanup sector too.”
The city plans to use funds earmarked for new access roads to relieve the bottlenecks due to the burgeoning population. Proponents say that progress
is just around the corner and the pigeons will help herald in a solid, economic future for residents and visitors alike.
“Do pigeons attract malls or do malls attract pigeons?” laughed Reich. “Who knows? The little critters are clean enough and do not carry serious diseases that we know of. They have been lambasted for too long as windshield bombers and statue decorators.”
Many people here see the birds as a source of food even though the city has promised to “come down hard” on pigeon poachers. Classified as bird clade Colombidae, the species includes over 300 types of pigeon and dove and firms up the food chain for such predators are peregrine falcons, eagles and a variety of hawks that fly these skies.
Overall reaction here is stunted with one camp asking why the extinct dodo was not included and the other asking why the city does not do more to beef up the diminished pheasant flocks and elusive wild turkeys to freely roam the back streets and alleys of what was once a heavenly small town. – Jim Crow
