All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

Gunnison County Planes Erupciones Volcánicas

(Crested Butte) Gunnison County anunciaron hoy que presentarán una serie de volcánicas llamaradas este otoño para ayudar a impulsar el turismo, que a menudo se reduce después de la temporada de caza. Los disturbios se fijan provisionalmente vaivén 15 y 16 de noviembre durante las horas nocturnas.
Aún así la búsqueda de la colaboración de las USFS y la BLM, los planificadores etiquetados los castillos del Ridge y Wirtz montaña como principales objetivos y añadió que las calderas cerca de Taylor Park y la cara de piedra Pico Pappy cuya conducta difícil de usar se ve acentuada por campos de lava y calderos se asemejan a rojo osos en pequeñas lentes circulares.
Los geólogos están convencidos de que pueden motivar la reacción deseada por una inseminación geofísica simple que implica antiguos ritos Polinesia y aplicada canto.
“Probablemente podríamos hacer un buen uso de unos vírgenes también si conoces alguna,” sonrió Cap Yankovitch que, con varios otros graduados WSCU, construyó la mayor parte de los volcanes de la zona a principios de los años 70. “Estamos chumming de ceniza y líquido fundido para ir con ella. Estamos agita roja ante el toro “.
La explosión preliminar de gas y lava se espera que alrededor de las 11:30 pm del 15, cerca de la montaña del castillo. Luego, a eso de la medianoche Wirtz debe apagarse. Entonces todo el infierno se desatará todo lo largo de nuestra pequeña Avenida de los Volcanes, como lo llaman un campo geométrico similar en Ecuador.
“Al amanecer debemos tener un lío humeante, dijo Yankovitch,” y el dinero en el banco “.
Ya principales guías de turismo del condado de Gunnison han cocido al vapor en una acción que confirma un mercado fuerte para la observación del volcán. Las principales excursiones, que incluyen el transporte en jeep, ropa de protección, el almuerzo y la hora de cócteles gratis, son casi agotadas.
Cuando solicitado en cuanto a cómo estos científicos apagar los volcanes después del espectáculo que nadie respondió.
“No hemos asignada que como todavía”, dijo Yankovitch. “Creo que vamos a conectar ese agujero cuando lleguemos a él.”
Los rumores que circulan varias tabernas en Elk Avenida sugieren que los chicos volcán han comprado varios corchos grandes industriales, que se utilizarán para limitar las erupciones en la madrugada todos los días de las actuaciones.
“El momento aquí es óptima”, dijo otro experto en explosivos. “Nosotros no queremos simplemente cosquillas estos volcanes. Queremos que sean lo suficientemente loco como para ir fuera. Además, tenemos el Festival de las Artes, el Festival Flor silvestre, Cuatro de Julio, pro bicicleta, conciertos gratuitos, Vinotok y las patatas fritas KBUT pescado ya. Encontrar un fin de semana libre, cuando los volcanes están en su mejor momento ninguna calle fácil “.
Varios promotores del evento han sugerido que el flujo de lava podría aliviar algunos de los problemas de relaves que continúan acosando al valle.
Eso es mierda de toro “, dijo Yankovitch. – Melvin Toolini

Gunnison County Plans Volcanic Eruptions

(Crested Butte) County planners announced today that they would present a series of volcanic flare-ups this spring to help bolster tourism, which often decreases after ski season. The disturbances are tentatively set from May 15 and 16 during evening hours only.
Still seeking the cooperation of the USFS and the BLM, the planners tagged the Castle Valley Ridge and Wirtz Mountain as prime objectives adding that calderas near Taylor Park and the stone face Pappy Peak whose rough-edged demeanor is accentuated by lava fields and cauldrons resembling red bears in small circular eyeglasses.
Geologists are convinced that they can motivate the desired reaction by a simple geophysical insemination involving ancient Polynesia rites and applied chanting.
“We could probably make good use a few virgins too if you know any,” smiled Cap Yankovitch who, with several other WSCU graduates, built most of the local volcanoes back in the early 70s. “We’re chumming for ash and molten liquid to go with it. We’re waving red before the bull.”
The preliminary explosion of gas and lava is expected at about 11:30 pm on the 15th near Castle Mountain. Then at about midnight Wirtz should go off. Then all hell will break loose all along our little Avenue of Volcanoes, as they call a similar geometric field in Ecuador.
“By dawn we should have a steaming mess, said Yankovitch, “and money in the bank.”
Already leading Gunnison County tour guides have steamed into action confirming a strong market for volcano watching. The main tours, which include transportation by jeep, protective clothing, lunch and a free cocktail hour, are all but sold out.
When petitioned as to how these scientists would shut off the volcanoes after the show no one responded.
“We haven’t mapped that out as yet,” said Yankovitch. “I guess we’ll plug that hole when we come to it.”
Rumors circulating several taverns on Elk Avenue suggest that the volcano boys have purchased several large, industrial corks, which will be used to cap the eruptions at dawn each day of the performances.
“The timing here is optimum,” said another explosives expert. “We don’t want to just tickle these volcanoes. We want to make them mad enough to go off. Besides, we have the Arts Festival, the Wildflower Festival, Fourth of July, pro bicycling, free concerts, Vinotok and the KBUT Fish Fries already. Finding a free weekend when the volcanoes are at their prime is no easy street.”
Several promoters of the event have suggested that the lava flow may ease some of the tailings problems that continue to haunt the valley.
That’s bull shit,” said Yankovitch. – Melvin Toolini

Colorado Old Timer Trivia Quiz

Front Range Primer #611

Were you born when Colorado became a state in 1876? That would make you old enough to answer all of our test questions correctly the first time around. You youngsters, born in the 20th Century or later may have a struggle but please proceed. Our probability scale is as follows. There are built-in fail-safes for the kids in our readership. (Example: Someone born in 1955 should be able to answer 75% of the questions to qualify for expensive prizes.*
1.Douglas Fairbanks was expelled from what Denver high school in 1883?
2. Where was Bob Ford, the killer of Jesse James, himself slain?
3. Who wrote the Molly Mayfield column appearing in the Rocky Mountain News?
4. What does the white strip on Colorado’s state flag represent?
5. Mattie Silks opened her first parlor house on what street?
6. Which Presidents established a Summer White House in Colorado?
7. How many inches of snow fell on Denver during the Blizzard of 1913?
8. What year was gold discovered along the Platte River and Cherry Creek?
9. The Ku Klux Klan helped elect which Denver mayor in 1923?
10. How many peaks in the Rocky Mountain state are over 14,000 feet?
11. Who was Colorado’s first Miss America?
12. What team did the Denver Broncos beat to win a place in the 1978 Super Bowl?
13. How long is the Moffat Tunnel?
14. What 1973 movie was filmed in a futuristic house in Genesee Park?
15. McNichols Arena sat how many fans?
16. Who founded Tivoli Brewery in 1859?
17. How large was the screen at Phipps IMAX Theater in Denver?
18. What heavyweight boxer was born in Manassa, Colorado?
19. Under what name did the now defunct Lakeside Amusement Park open in 1908?
20. Who won the Pulitzer Prize for a story about an invisible rabbit named “Harvey”?
21. What metal originally covered Denver’s gold leaf capitol dome?
22. When did the Denver Nuggets sign David Thompson?
23. Where is the alleged cannibal, Alferd Packer, buried?
24. Coors Brewery was established in what year?
25. What Denver resident survived the sinking of the Titanic in 1912?
Bonus question: How many Buffalo Bill’s Graves exist in the West?

Answers (No Peekie) to Trivia Quiz
1. East High School
2. Creede (in his saloon in 1892)
3. Francis Foster
4. The snow of our mountains
5. Holladay Street
6. Dwight Eisenhower and Gerald Ford
7. 45.7 inches
8. 1858
9. Ben Stapleton
10. 53
11. Sharon Kay Ritchie
12. Oakland Raiders
13. 6.2 miles
14. “Sleeper”
15. 20,000
16. Moritz Sigi
17. 4.5 stories high and 6.5 stories wide
18. Jack Dempsey
19. White City
20. Mary Coyle Chase
21. Copper
22. 1975
23. Littleton
24. 1870
25. Molly Brown
– Lou Grant
Bonus question (tie breaker)
26. 22. But the Real McCoy is on Lookout Mountain.
*The reward herein is your self-reliance.

BLM para construir nueva área silvestre

Eventos locales como imaginamos ellos
(Denver) Un portavoz de la Oficina de Administración de Tierras anunció hoy que comenzará a trabajar en un presupuesto de varios millones de dólares zona de desierto al oeste de la ciudad de Almont antes de que se derrita la nieve
Hoy funcionarios de la BLM aparecieron de la nada, árboles de reclutamiento, rocas, venados, alces, el oso, león, marmotas, coyote, trucha, águilas, halcones y las cabras de montaña para sus nuevas regiones selváticas de plástico. Esperan tener un bien entrenado, personal indígena, instintiva instalado en mayo.
Esta es la segunda área silvestre diseñador hecha por el hombre para ser implementado en Colorado occidental desde los Nuggets eran un contendiente. Los lectores recordarán el petti tieux-dieux sobre la renovación de los pastos en Montrose allá por finales de los años noventa, cuando el ex paraíso asumió la actitud de Arvada. La zona comercial está ahora ocupa el tercer lugar en las urbanas en riesgo Wilderness Lugares registrarse, de acuerdo con un impresionante trabajo académico “¿Y si Alá es Nuts también?”, Publicado por la decepción Valley optimistas en noviembre pasado.
Almont residentes expresaron su preocupación por la afluencia esperada de los trabajadores migrantes según los informes que se dirigen de esta manera con el anuncio del proyecto.
Recién respaldado Almont Building Inspector Mel Boardfoote-Toole, pasó la mayor parte de la noche anterior examen de las fundaciones recién derramado con una linterna antes de conducir su 1938 Henway otro lado del río y entre los árboles y en una gran pila de madera desechada por los pescadores en algún lugar cerca de la Enchanted Almont Triángulo.
“Casi me caí después de todo eso calculando pero algunas criaturas del espacio me despertó justo antes de empezar a fluir hacia abajo, hacia Yute,” hizo una mueca Toole. “Ellos dijeron que navegaban al condado de Pitkin para realizar” operaciones que amenazan la vida de los sin mente rica “de acuerdo con el que habló Inglés.
Cualquier persona involucrada en este proyecto esta cuenta de noticias o tiene hasta la medianoche del jueves a entregarse a la policía de la Copa de la lata y recibir un perdón completo, cortesía de la cámara de comercio local.
Indecisos serán perseguidos con todo el rigor de la ley.
– Gabby Haze

BLM to construct new wilderness area

Local Events As We Imagine Them

(Denver) A spokesman for the Bureau of Land Management announced today that it would begin work on a multi-million dollar wilderness area just west of the town of Almont before the snow melts
Today BLM officials appeared out of thin air, recruiting trees, rocks, deer, elk, bear, lion, marmots, coyote, trout, eagles, hawks and mountain goats for their new plastic boondocks. They expect to have an indigenous, well-trained, instinctive staff installed by May.
This is the second man-made designer wilderness area to be implemented in Western Colorado since the Nuggets were a contender. Readers will recall the petti tieux-dieux over the revamping of pastureland in Montrose back in the late Nineties, when the former paradise took on the demeanor of Arvada. The shopping zone is now ranked third in the At Risk Urban Wilderness Places register, according to an impressive academic paper “What if Allah is Nuts Too?” published by the Disappointment Valley Optimists last November.
Almont residents expressed concern over the expected influx of migrant workers who are reportedly headed this way with the announcement of the project.
Newly endorsed Almont Building Inspector Mel Boardfoote-Toole, spent most of last night examining newly poured foundations with a flashlight before driving his 1938 Henway across the river and through the woods and into a large woodpile discarded by fishermen somewhere near the Enchanted Almont Triangle.
“I almost fell out after all that figuring but some space creatures woke me up just before I started flowing down toward Gunny,” winced Toole. “They said they were cruising to Pitkin County to perform “life-threatening surgeries on the mindless rich” according to the one who spoke English.
Anyone involved in this project or this news account has until midnight Thursday to turn himself into the Tin Cup police and receive a full pardon, compliments of the local chamber of commerce.
Vacillators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
– Gabby Haze

The Banshee at the Bridge

“The banshee,9 Misther Harry? Well, sir, as I was strivin’ to tell ye, I was goin’ home from work one day, from Mr. Cassidy’s that I tould ye of, in the dusk o’ the evenin’. I had more nor a mile – aye, it was nearer two mile – to thrack to where I was lodgin’ with a dacent widdy woman I knew, Biddy Maguire by name, so as to be near me work.
“It was dark the first week in November,10 an’ a lonesome road I had to travel, an’ dark enough, with threes above it; an’ about halfways there was a bit iv a bridge I had to cross, over one o’ them little sthrames that runs into the Doddher. I walked on in the middle iv the road, for there was no toe-path that time, Misther Harry, nor for many a long day afther that. But, as I was sayin’, I walked along till I come nigh upon the bridge, where the road was a bit open, an’ there, right enough, I seen the hog’s back o’ the ould-fashioned bidge that used to be there till it was pulled down years ago, an’ a white mist steamin’ up out o’ the wather all around it.
“Well, now, Misther Harry, often as I’d passed by the place before, that night it seemed sthrange to me, an’ like a place ye might see in a dhrame; an’ as I come up to it I began to feel a cowld wind blowin’ through the hollow o’ me heart. Mushi Thomas, sez I to meself, is it yerself that’s in it, sez I. So I put a bould face on it, an’ I made a sthruggle to set one foot afore the other, ontil I came to the rise o’ the bridge. And there, God be good to us! in the cantle o’ the wall I seen an ould woman, as I thought, sittin’ on her hunkers, all crouched together, an’ her head bowed down, seemin’ly in the greatest affliction.
such a pair iv eyes as they wor…as cowld as the moon in a bog-hold iv a frosty night.
“Well sir, I pities the ould craythur, no matther the mortal fright I was in, so I up an’ sez to her, ‘That’s a could lodgin’ for ye, ma’am.’ Well, she tuk no more notice o’ me than if I hadn’t let a word out o’ me, but kep’ rockin’ herself to an’ fro, as if her heart was breakin’. So I sez to her again, ‘Eh, ma’am, is there anythin’ the matther with ye?’ An’ I made for to touch her on the showldher, ownly somethin’ stopped me, for as I looked closer at her I saw she was no more an ould woman nor she was an ould cat.
“The first thing I tuk notice to, Misther Harry, was her hair that was sthreamin’ down over her showldhers, an’ a good yard on the ground of aich side o’ her. O, but that was the hair! The likes iv it I never seen on mortial woman, young or ould, before nor sence. It grew as sthrong out iv her as out iv e’er a young slip iv a girl ye could see; but the color iv it was a mysthery to describe. The first squint I got iv it I thought it silvery gray, like an ould crone’s; but when I got up beside her I saw, but the glance o’ the sky, it was a sort iv an Iscariot color, an’ a shine out iv it like floss silk. It ran over her showldhers and the two shapely arms she was lanin’ her head on, for ll the world like Mary Magdalen’s in a picther. And then I persaved that the gray cloak and the green gownd undernaith it was made of no earthy matherial I ever laid eyes on.
“Well, Misther Harry, the word wasn’t out o’ me mouth afore she turned her face on me. Musha, Misther Harry, but ’twas that was the awfullest apparition ever I seen, the face iv her as she looked up at me! God forgive me for sayin’ it, but ’twas like no face I could mintion – as pale as a corpse, an’ most o’ freckles on it, like the freckles on a turkey’s eff; an’ two eyes sewn in with red thread, from the terrible power o’ cryin’ they had to do; an’ such a pair iv eyes as they wor, Misther Harry, as blue as tow forget-me-nots, an’ as cowld as the moon in a bog-hold iv a frosty night, an’ a dead-an’-live look in them that sent a cowld shiver through the marow o’ me bones. By the mortial! ye could have rung a taycupful o’ cowld paspiration out o’ the hair o’ me head that minute, so ye could.
“Well, I thought the life ‘ud lave me intirely when she riz up from her hunkers, till, bedad! she looked mostly as tall as Nelson’s Pillar. An’ with those two eyes gazin’ back at me, an’ her two arms stretched out before her, an’ a keine* out iv her that riz the hair o’ me scalp till it was as stiff as the hog’s bristles in a new hearth broom, away she glides – yes, glides – around the angle o’ the bridge, an’ down with her into the sthrame that ran underhernaith it.
” ‘Twas then I began to suspect what she was. I made a great sthruggle to get me two legs into a fast throt, in spite o’ the spavin o’ fright the pair o’ them wor in. How I brought meself home that same night the Lord in heaven ownly knows. For I never could tell. But I must ha’ tumbled agin the door, and shot in head foremost into the middle iv the floork where I lay in a dead swoon for mostly an hour. The first I knew was Mrs. Maguire stannin’ over me with a jorum o’ punch she was pourin’ down me throath to bring back the life into me, an’ me head in a pool iv cowld wather she dashed over me in her first fright.
“Arrah, Misther Connolly…What ails ye to put the scare on a lone woman,”… sez she.
” Arrah, Misther Connolly,’ she sez, ‘what ails ye, to put the scare on a lone woman like that?’ sez she.
” ‘O, glory be to God!’ sez I. ‘But I thought I was in purgathory at the laste, not to mintion an uglier place,’ sez I, ‘ownly it’s too cowld I find meself, an’ not too hot,’ sez I.
” ‘Faix, an’ maybe ye wor more nor halfways there, ownly for me,’ sez she. ‘But what’s come to you at all, at all? Is it your own fetch ye spirit ye seen, Misther Connolly?”
” ‘Aw, naboslish (don’t mind it)! sez I. ‘Never mind what I seen.’
“So, by degrees, I began to come to a little; an’ that’s the way I met the banshee, Misther Harry!”
“But how did you know it really was the banshee after all, Thomas?”
“Begor, sir, I knew the apparition of her well enough, but ’twas confirmed by a sarcumstance that occurred the same time. There was a Misther O’Nale was come on a visit, ye must know, to a place in the neighborhood – one o’ the ould O’Nales iv the County Tyrone, a rale ould Irish family – an’ the banshee was heard keinin’ round the house that same night, by more than one that was in it; an’ sure enough, Misther Harry, he was found dead in his bed the next mornin’. So if it wasn’t the banshee I seen that time, I’d like to know what else it could a’ been.”
-John Todhunter (1809-73)

9. The banshee, the female apparation who wails before the death of a human (but only for members of old Irish families), is sometimes accompanied by a coach-a-bower—a huge black coach which is pulled by headless black horses, and driven by a dullahan, a headless phantom. Duffy’s Sixpenny Magazine (Dublin) tells us that “the sinister, coffin-mounted coach rumbles to the door of a dying Irishman or Irishwoman, but should anyone be so foolhardy as to open it a basin of blood will be thrown in his face.” The origin of the dullahan is obscure. According to Thomas Crofton Croker, it is believed to have emanated from Norway where, folklore has it, the heads of corpses were cut off enfeeble their ghosts, however, W.B. Yeats offers the suggestion, that the dullahan may have descended from the giant of Irish mythology who swam across the Channel with his head in his teeth.
10. Many Irish folktales dealing with fairies are laid in November, the third fairy festival of the year. The first is May Eve which, however, occurs only every seventh year when they fight furiously for the harvest—the choicest ears of grain, of course, belong to them. The fighting can be detected in the shirling of the wind and the debris of the fields and woods flying about. Witnessing this, the peasantry respectfully remove their hats and murmur, “God bless the good people.”
The second of the fairy festivals occurs on midsummer Eve. At this time, when the bonfires are kindled on every hill in honor of Saint John, the fairies are at their merriest—and usually most lustful. Sometimes, on Midsummer Eve, they will steal away beautiful girls for their brides.
The November Eve festival sees them at their wickedest—and gloomiest—for this is the first night of winter, according to the old Gaelic reckoning. On this night, the fairies dance with the ghosts, the pooka is abroad, and witches make their spells. After November Eve the blackberries are no longer wholesome because pooka has spoiled them.
*The Celtic form for keen; to wail or howl in mournin for the dead.