All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

LETTERS TO THE PEA GREEN ANSWER MAN

Dear Pea Green Answer Man,
What would happen if an irresistible force met an immovable object?
Polly Pureheart
Ridgway

Dear Polly,
This question presupposes impossible conditions, according to all known laws of matter and energy. The terms irresistible force and immovable object are mutually exclusive. If a force is irresistible, it will move any object in its path; or, in other words, there can be no immovable object in respect to an irresistible force. On the other hand, if an object is immovable, no force can move it; which is another way of saying that there is no irresistible force in respect to an immovable object. Since the existence of the two conditions cannot take place at the same time, it is impossible to say what would happen if they did exist. The question is reduced to an absurdity by a careful definition of the terms. You cannot conceive of an irresistible force meeting an immovable object any more than you can conceive of two men, each one taller than the other.
Pea Green Answer Man
Dear Pea Green Answer Man,
When did the United States Government use camels for military purposes?
Prince Fizzle
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

Dear Prince,
Before the Civil War, the Federal Government attempted to introduce camels into the United States for use on “the great American desert.” It was believed that communication across the continent could be greatly facilitated by the use of camels, which could carry heavier loads than horses or mules, travel greater distances and go longer without water. The experiment was in charge of the War Department, Jefferson Davis, who was then Secretary of War, being one of the most ardent advocates of the scheme. In 1856 and 1857 two shiploads of camels—seventy-five in all—were imported from Egypt and Asia Minor and landed at Indianola on the coast of Texas. Greek and Turkish camel drivers were brought over from the Near East to drive the animals. A station for the camels was established at Camp Verde, sixty miles west of San Antonio. Tests showed that camels were fitted for work in that region. On one expedition, they crossed Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona to the Colorado, and their behavior was highly commended by the Army officer in charge. The camel experiment failed, however, because of adverse public opinion and because of the outbreak of the Civil War. Some of the camels were sold to circuses or individuals, while the rest were turned at large. For many years some of these “wild camels” were occasionally seen in the mountains of Arizona. Notwithstanding reports to the contrary, it is believed that the animals are now extinct.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man,
What does biting the thumb at mean?
Fingers Malone
Silverton, CO

Dear Fingers,
Biting the thumb at another was an old method of expressing defiance and contempt with a view of provoking a quarrel. The manner of expressing the insult is explained by Randle Cotgrave in his French-English dictionary, first published in 1611. Under the word nique, signifying a sign of mockery or contempt, Cotgrave says biting the thumb at means “to threaten or defy by putting the thumbed nail into the mouth and with a jerk (from the upper teeth) make it to knack.” During the gesture, the eyes were fixed on the person at whom the insult was aimed. In Shakespeare’s day, it was a regular practice among the young swashbucklers of London to start quarrels by biting their thumbs at rival factions as they strolled on St. Paul’s Walk. It was a disgrace to let such an insult pass unnoticed. In Romeo and Juliet the great dramatist makes Sampson say, “I will bite my thumb at them; which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.” If the person thus insulted had a drop of honor in his blood, a duel or battle resulted, such as was often fought on the streets of fair Verona between the households of Montague and Capulet.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man,
How often is the White House painted?
Sarah P.
East Dakota

Dear Sarah
It is customary for the Government to have the exterior of the White House painted every second year. Many people erroneously suppose that the building is whitewashed. The paint used is composed of white lead, linseed oil, and turpentine. Two coats are applied. Before any paint is put on, the surface is brushed with steel brushes and then sandpapered and dusted to remove all loose and weathered paint, dirt and other deposits of foreign matter. No application of paint is made until the surface is thoroughly dry. The paint used for the first coat is made by breaking up one hundred pounds of pure white lead of the best quality in about three and a half gallons of thinner composed of equal parts of pure linseed oil and turpentine. For the second coat one hundred pounds of white lead is broken up in three and a half gallons of pure linseed oil to which one pint of turpentine is added.
Pea Green Answer Man

Land Trust Acquires Red Barn

(Montrose – Special from Vacant Lot Magazine – July 10, 2015)

The all-powerful Land Trust has purchased the now shuttered Red Barn Restaurant building on East Main here. Opened in 1967 it was the center of the town’s social heart.
Over 100 trees will be planted on the property surrounding the structure creating al natural plaza complete a small fountain and gold fishpond. The interior will house a museum dedicated to preserving treasures, junk and memories.
Losing a centerpiece like this hurts culturally as well as fiscally,” said Melvin Rothtoole, shade tree owner of all of the banks in the city. “First it was Hadley’s then the Arcadia Park followed by the DeJulio’s, Chipeta and the No Delay. The Larriat Lounge bit the bullet soon after as did Stockmen’s. And now this?”
Rothtoole declined to comment when asked where he bent his elbow these days saying that he often enjoyed lunch and a day game at the R & R
“Never mind about my routine. I don’t need the police farce hanging out waiting for me in the parking lot,” he smiled.
The museum will be free with a story (hard luck accepted). It’s mission statement, borrowed directly from the Red Barn’s posture and way of thinking, is to create loud fun, the kind of thoughtless mirth and joyous laughter missing in most of society today. – Kashmir Horseshoe

“If you’re gonna make an omelet you gotta break some legs.”
– Mario Echabarron, personal behavior specialist

Counties agree to cover mag-chloride damage

(Our Chemical Times – July 10, 2015)

Many Western Colorado counties, acknowledging the idiocy of spraying magnesium-chloride on dirt roads this summer, have agreed to pay motorists for detrimental effects to their vehicles.
They do so begrudgingly saying that they were only following orders.
The victims, whose cars and trucks not so slowly rot out from exposure to the chemical, can apply for the payouts in the appropriate county offices before October 1 to receive compensation. Despite countless washings and expensive treatments many never fully recover, the money might help ease the pain.
Magnesium-chloride is applied primarily to combat dust (and snow in the winter months). It has been proven effective in controlling these terrible evils that were once considered just part of living in Colorado. The chemical also kills flora and fauna along the highways. Other dangers, respiratory as well as dermatological, have yet to be determined.
“We think a mag-chloride salesmen made a fortune around here,” said one Log Hill Mesa man whose vehicles have been harmed several times over the past two years. And, of course, now that the counties have bought the stuff they have to use it or look foolish.”
Spreading, dropping, spraying, dislodging, planting and/or applying untested chemicals on the planet has never been a good idea according to scientists who called the chemical a potentially lethal one.
“That’s poppycock, said a spokesman for Summit County, where mag-chloride has graced highways for years. “Magnesium-chloride is no more dangerous than eating genetically modified foods from our friends over at Monsanto.”
Unlike the petroleum companies, the mag-chloride lobby is fledgling and does not have the power to whitewash disasters or negate accusations, yet. Although not one spill has occurred, even they admit that it’s early in the game. – Ripple Van Winkle

Maginot Line Will Tour Colorado in July

From You’re Only Ancient History – July 10, 2015

(Crested Butte) The legendary Maginot Line, thought to be impregnable by French forces prior to 1940, will visit this former coal-mining giant as part of a summer spectacular journey through the Rockies.
Joining the Maginot Line will be the upstart Siegfried Line, or West Wall as well as the stumblebum Hindenburg Line, a German forward defensive position built in 1916-1917 near Soissons on the Aisne.
What the three lines have in common is that none actually kept anyone out. The Maginot was flanked, the Siegfried deserted in the face of victories and the Hindenburg, despite spotty fighting, was lost to the Armistice signed in 1919.
Perhaps what continues to delight war historians is the failure of the Maginot Line, which proved worthless when the Germans simply took a shortcut through Belgium, going around the lavish defenses and marching on to Vichy Paradise.
Despite its link to the nation’s most devastating defeat in history the line still evokes a certain pride, a subtle patriotism. Discovered in a Paris garbage heap the Maginot Line in 1946 the landmark was cleaned up and put back together from pre-World War II maps and graphs. Its accompanying military fortifications Siegfried and Hindenburg have always been maintained and had only to be collected and shipped (pillboxes and all) to New York where the U.S. tour originates.
“The real draw here remains the Maginot,” said Entraylea Maginot, great-granddaughter of Andre Maginot the namesake of the inglorious ditch. “That’s what the people come out to see. It cost 3 billion francs just for the carpeting!”
The older Maginot, who, fortunately for his honor, passed on some eight years before the line’s ineffectiveness was brought to light by German generals in 1940, did not know either of the other lines. It is expected that they will all get along during the travels.
The Colorado Division of Enforcement and Tourism hopes that the inclusion of the tours and the sale of legal marijuana will increase tourism by 30% this summer. – Bambi Bumble

Simpson mug to don voting booths

(Cosmetics and Gulches — Montrose, Colorado – July 10, 2015)

The halting, yet familiar face of cartoon celebrity Homer Simpson will grace all official voting booths in 2016. Simpson, who best exemplifies the mindless pursuit of the 21st Century carrot, often casts his ballot based on hearsay, rumors and billboards that he reads on the way to work.
“He’s a big fan of talk radio too and even catches a few the TV news unless he doses off on the couch instead,” said his wife Marge. This is the biggest thing that’s every happened to anyone in our family.”
Analysts feel that Homer Simpson could be the new poster child for the new peasantry and the American Oligarchy.
“He’s not real bright,” said one political behaviorist “is afraid of what he doesn’t understand and can be easily manipulated. His decision making capabilities, conversation level, and me-first attitude, along with well-documented immaturity and a seriously undeveloped personality make him the perfect choice.”
Simpson narrowly beat out Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton for the honor.
“Now all that’s left is to choose the colors for the booths. I expect we’ll go with yellow and blue, with big red swollen eyes and an intruding beer belly,” said a brainchild of the decorations. “We want all the booths to be uniform and all the voters to look alike. If that isn’t democracy I don’t know what is.” – Ripple Van Winkle

Philae’s Comet May Support Alien Life

(Mother Earth – Paradise Lost – July 10, 2015)

Astro-biologists confirm preliminary indications that living microbes are thriving on an unnamed comet visited by Philae’s probe last week. The organisms become more active as the comet nears the sun, warming the immediate atmosphere and encouraging the aliens to kick out the jams.
“This pretty much knocks the hell out of previously accepted metaphysical explanations for our origins and destinations in a celestial sense,” said Charley Chimpe, veteran space traveler who flunked Astrology 101 in his freshman year at Police State.
Philae is expected to make another rendezvous with the microbes next month in hopes of establishing primitive dialogue. Pentagon officials made incidental contact earlier in 2015 in an attempt to facilitate possible weapons purchases in the near future. – Marianne Marvelous