All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
U-KLEEN-IT Motels Eyeball San Juans
(From The Palmer Street Journal -Downtown Delta –July 10, 2015)
A new approach, aimed at relieving the daily pressures of the hospitality industry, may be on the horizon in Western Colorado with the opening of some sixteen self-housekeeping lodges.
U-Kleenits allow the patron the option of cleaning his room, changing the sheets, scrubbing the bano and vacuuming so as to receive a discount of up to 35% from the management.
Custodo-Lounge Corporation, founders of U-Kleenit, which boasts three new enterprises in Northwest Colorado already this year, is reportedly taking preliminary steps to open a new facility here.
Custodo is the nation’s largest manufacturer of organic janitorial supplies. Its fine hosiery division did well over $125 million in 2014. U-Kleenits have already transformed the hotel-motel industry and are expected to take Western Colorado by storm come springtime.
The concept appears to be tailor-made for the bed and breakfast set but local innkeepers say the idea will never fly.
“People are too lazy. People are too sloppy. People can’t do the math,” said the six-star proprietor of Snyder Arms and Roadhouse, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“How can we expect these guests to make the beds when they won’t even do the breakfast dishes?” said Mary Waffle who operates a bed and breakfast locally. “Pigs.”
The idea is simple: Each guest checks into his reasonably clean room in the evening and in the morning he gives the place a serious once-over. If the place needs a maid he pays full price but if it looks good enough he can expect a discount.
“We’ve had a lot of trouble with the bathrooms, winced Belle Toole, Executive Executive Director of Custodo-Lounge. “It seems that people don’t mind taking out the trash or sweeping the floor but nobody wants to scour the ceramic, if you catch my drift.”
Toole leveled with reporters saying that they expected no new conflicts with state and local health officials.
“We have fine repartee,” said Toole, inspecting a room. “If they present a problem we just offer them a free room and they generally go away.”
– Uncle Pahgre
San Juan Wall
San Juan wall above Pleasant Valley in Ouray County
Utilities Accepting Livestock, Canned Goods
(Pea Green) In what is seen as a gesture of cooperation local utility companies will begin accepting alternative methods of payment for services rendered. Starting in November Delta-Montrose Electric, San Miguel Power and Gunnison Rural Electric will credit consumers who bring chickens, pigs or canned peaches to the front door. In December it will be eggs, calves and canned tomatoes that will be ledger compatible instead of hard cash.
The action comes as a result of lingering payment histories, fiscal incompetence and creative excuses for non-payment of energy bills.
In keeping with Script’s Manual of Commodities and Convivial Records the three utility concerns have adopted a uniform cash value for agricultural products when bartered. This official exchange rate will most certainly be extended to include automobiles and household items in the near future.
The rendering value of common livestock shall be as follows:
One lamb = 900 to 1250 kilowatts of usage; one small pony = 1300 to 1650 kilowatts of use; One calf = 1700 to 2100 kilowatts and one baby chick (must be crated and housetrained = 14 kilowatts. Ducklings, geese, fish and sage hens are worth slightly more. These and other credit items will be assessed on their own merit. For a complete roster of accepted items and applicable credit see form below or call your utility company directly and ask about the Cows for Kilowatts Entitlement Program.
“Persons wishing to pay exchange canned foods for energy credits must show detailed history of same from seed to can,” said Wayne B. Wayne, of the United States Consumer Fraud Division. “Wild animals may be used but must be cleared through the Division of Chaos or the Office of Coming Anarchy three working days before negotiation can begin.”
Small, dysfunctional amenities will be immediately sacrificed to Paradox, the Greek god of Talking Wires and Cyber Optics. Marmots, fur-bearing armadillos, toothless chinchillas and hyperactive salmon will be considered with approval of parent of guardian. No bunnies will be harmed, especially in front of the children.
Your friends at the local utility companies hope that these changes will help some of you come across with your monthly payments. Those who do not have access to livestock may be allowed to trade beadwork or take in laundry to cover at least part of these expenses.
– Warren Weatherspoon
The shame of the Western Slope Tourism Circus
Bathrooms for customers only
“What would you have them do, Bassanio, water the shrubbery?”
from The Merchant of Haggis – William Shakespeare Act II, Scene IV
Restrictive bathroom policies have given a new meaning to the concept of Where to go in Western Colorado. After the passage of meandering civil rights legislation since 1964 one major problem has never been undressed and remains a black mark on the country, more specifically to tourism here.
The right and wrong of privilege is deep-rooted in the American melting pot and cannot be discussed without dredging up old emotions and then flushing them away along with self-evident truths as to equality and the pursuit of happiness.
“It is scandalous, obscene and downright uncomfortable,” said Hector Plunger, a recent victim of the limitations. One would think that in the wealthiest country in the world some accommodation could be made for those who have to pee. I myself was forced to find a bush.”
It is common knowledge that the Bathrooms For Customers Only is perpetuated by concerns of cleanliness, employee time, product and water. Proprietors often feel that unless someone buys something he can just hold it until he gets to a more user-friendly environment.
Concerned citizens have already gathered sufficient signatures to put the issue on the ballot in November. They insist that it is unconstitutional to turn away a fellow human in need, no matter what the fiscal exchange.
“It is shameful that an enlightened society cannot pull itself up from the hateful segregation into a more tolerant atmosphere,” said Plunger. “In many countries the needy are simply charged a small fee to use the public facilities. It’s kind of like mass transit. They all have it and we sit in traffic burning fossil fuel. One begins to reassess the concept of progressive, no?”
The biased tradition may well come to an end after the next election, canned, if you will, through the resolve of freethinking participants in this planetary social experiment. However, much of the harm has been done and will linger for decades, like the embarrassment of wetting one’s pants.
Shall we then, upon out thrones, pass judgment on those who must hold it? Sure this may sound like some more liberal crap but isn’t it time to bring the skeletons out of the water closet once and for all? – Ben Gamone III
Mr. Gamone is a dedicated tantric pipe fitter
and urinal cake broker from Privy, Utah.
Squash Still Suffers From Public Relations Crisis
(Squeeze Box Chronicle – July 10, 2015)
The North American Association of Squash Tillers has hired a Madison Avenue advertising firm to beef up its image and present a more attractive option on the dinner table. Squash sales have severely plummeted since the 2000 due in part to successful promotions by traditional competitors like turnips, soybeans, lentils and okra.
The introduction of cute little Tommy Turnip or giddy and cuddly Sarah Soybean have upset the apple cart. Lentils and okra have made great strides too in the garden and on the grill.
It is not easy for a generic vegetable matter like squash to compete with these slick yet phony cartoons,” quacked Melvin Toole, copy boy at Morstern, Hamill and Glick, the agency hired by the squash people.
“We hope to turn the tide here from the inside out,” said Toole. “Imagine little children gnawing on boiled turnips, masticating steamed okra or sipping soy drinks for breakfast. It ain’t right.”
Marketing experts are hesitant to summarize the status of these vegetables admitting that dancing hot dogs and talking raisins have revolutionized the industry. For centuries promoters avoided using humanized food to communicate to the masses thinking no one would swallow the idea of eating their new little friends. Lately however, statistics soundly suggest that the average consumer will eat whatever is placed in front of him, mineral or animal. In addition these interlopers have found that most humans, after constant prompting, would be quite happy nibbling on his own grandmother if he thought, “everyone was doing it”.
“Now squash,” started Toole, presents another set of problems. A lot o it is onomatopoeia, or the formation of words to imitate what they denote,” he said. “Who out there wants to eat something that sounds squished, forcibly mashed or otherwise repressed?
“We have considered renaming the vegetable in out own likeness but names like ecstasy loaf and rhapsody gourd seemed rather forced. It just ain’t like the Cher thing.”
Readers may recall that back in 1980 the agency brought in the actress Cher to plug the onion industry. Her seductive TV spots, where she appeared in nothing but a small black dress designed entirely of garlic clusters and onionskin, never really increased sales substantially but made a lot of onion farmers happy.
One local squash entrepreneur told the Horseshoe that squash is squash and always would be squash.
“It’s not clover. It’s not corn. It’s squash. Anything else is bunk.”
“Those New York boys could convince a prospective home buyer that a cat box was another bath and a half,” he laughed. “Squash was so named in an attempt to allow children to digest a sample of life’s unpleasantness a spoonful at a time in the safety of their own homes.”
Perhaps the most dramatic impact on vegetable consumption is the fast food phenomenon whereas freethinking individuals purposely swallow poison, calling it lunch or dinner. This twisted culinary preference has all but killed dining diversity and will soon be counting these unusually fat garbage gobblers as another category of its victims, effectively relieving fringe symptoms of over-population. Science and nutritional truths clearly shows that eating these unhealthy chemicals should have already done their dire duty but many fast food enthusiasts continue to hold out. For how long?
– Kashmir Horseshoe