When Should Kitty Start Dating?

with Dr Efram Z. Pennywhistle Jr.

(Crazy Cat Lady Canyon — Pampered Pet Parade — December 10, 2015)
If I’ve heard it once I’ve heard it a thousand times…”Dr. Efram, at what age is it safe for my cat begin dating?” That’s a good question. The answer depends on the make-up of the individual feline.
Some cats are mature at two or three years of age. Others, most notably toms are ready out of the hamper but cannot be counted upon to take responsibility for social consequences. A well-adapted cat can be ready to date earlier although with reservations. One unsupervised cat produced 15 litters before she even got her driver’s license. Sure, she was a slut but she had a lot of dates, hey?
In general, if the family cat was brought up properly and can distinguish between good and evil she should be able to be trusted on an early date with a respectable Tom (good luck) at adolescence. Don’t push Kitty into the social scene. Know where the two are headed, monitor behavior on the outing and have the male cat checked out by the local veterinarian.
When my sister’s car Evelyn began dating, my brother-in-law, Sal offered to drive her and her date to the movies. That could have worked well but Sal earned his fourth DUI, lost his license, and is in jail for a few months. My sister doesn’t drive because she is afraid of moving objects and she panics in even Hooterville traffic.
Now the cats must take the bus when they date, which opens up a whole new can of catnip.
In these potential dramas, as with all of life’s little trails, it is important to keep a clear head about you. Trust is the key. The way you treat your pet from the start will often define the animal you have underfoot later. This is also true of children, and to some degree, houseplants.
If this is all too confusing for some of you out there I suggest having the animal spade. Sure, there won’t be and grandkids but, and let’s get real here for a change: They weren’t really yours anyway.
Next Time: Tomcats, like all males, have only one thing on their demented, little minds. We’ll show you how to nip that urge in the bud right there in your own garage. This is Dr. Efram for Pampered Pet Parade.

Boogeyman Gets Chair

(Nightmare Chronicles — September 25, 2015)

(Wimpton) The infamous Boogeyman, the nemesis of every child at bedtime for decades, has been executed according to a copyright story in Bars and Stripes, a correctional industry mouthpiece. The unrepentant hobgoblin was in good spirits according to eyewitnesses, as he arrived at his last roundup at approximately 4:16 am Thursday.
He is believed to be the only character, cartoon or otherwise, to have expired within these pages in 38 years of publication.
Sources within the penal system confirmed reports that the Boogeyman refused the traditional blindfold so that he might “lock eyes with his executioner” at the time of his demise. He also refused a cigarette for health reasons, it was disclosed. All bereavements and condolences (if there should be any) should be directed to the Nightmare House, a rest home for retired fiends, monsters, demons and really big spiders.
Survived by close associates Ms. Bugaboo, Mr. Spook and the Your Own Shadow Brothers, he is best remembered for creating unfounded fear in the hearts of children. His habit of hiding behind drapes, lurking in closets and under beds has to be considered the classic fright meter of the century!
Although gone, it is unlikely that he will be forgotten.
Many rejoiced after a gubernatorial reprieve was denied on Wednesday, while the Boogeyman’s enthusiastic supporters called for “the closing of all abortion clinics and the construction of more prisons lickety-split.”
Meanwhile the shadow governor was last seen exploring the dark, dreary dungeons of his mansion on the hill. It is common knowledge at the state house that he has not ventured into those cellars since his election in 2002.
– Bunny Trimble

High Fives Prompt Finger Injuries Says Rockies’ Trainer

(Denver — Blake Street Bombers — Sept 6, 2015)

The practice of slapping hands in recognition of stellar achievements on the baseball diamond poses dangers to players who, as professional athletes, should know better says Doc “Rocky” Bleacher, team trainer for the Colorado Rockies.
“In addition to injuring the palm of the hand due to the impact of an enthusiastic slap, the players risk injuries to fingers, shoulders, elbows, wrists and the all-important thumb,” says Bleacher, a standout in his own right in the rambling centerfield of orthopedics and hamstrings.
In recent years players have taken to high-fiving when a fellow player succeeds. The practice replaces the classic, though often-misconstrued slap on the butt. It occurs repeatedly during the average game and especially in the receiving line that forms after a victory. Although most players are careful and express joy in smaller increments, the odd hand collision or accidental bending of a finger looms heavily, considering training methods, burgeoning salaries and the lengthy season.
“These people are professionals and should know better than risking life and limb on a silly gesture,” quacked Bleacher. “Can’t they just shake hands or wave passionately from afar?”
Of the 34 Rockies on injured reserve this year several have suffered from hand ailments such as ligament damage, strains or errant pitches. While more prevalent problems associated with running and throwing dominate the training room it is often isometrics that keep players on the bench. The majority of Major League trainers agree that eyes, toes, and yes fingers, are as much a part of the keystone struggle as arms, legs and heads.
“What chaps my sit-downer is that these incidental injuries can be prevented with the application of a little logic. Hockey players wear enormous gloves on the ice. Tennis players exchange a simple handshake after a match. Football players wear helmets and a monster mouthpiece. Bowlers are careful no to drop the ball on their feet,” said Bleacher. “Even bass fishermen wear sunscreen.”
The Rockies front office played down the warnings saying that the team has had little to high-five about this year.
“We will monitor the behavior of our players and continue to trade off rising stars for washed up pitching,” said one of the Greeley meat people. “The fans will still buy tickets. After all one can’t watch the Broncos in the summer.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Desperately seeking a Venison-English dictionary by hunting season. Wear orange and flash your headlights at any Colorado DOW officer. Will trade for firewood permit.

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IN FORTY YEARS OR LESS

GEMS FROM OUR RECENT PAST

NATION’S RUM RESERVES COULD BE DEPLETED BY 2020

(Virgin Gorda, BVI) The United States could find itself completely out of rum in the next five years according to sugar cane brokers here. Lack of conservation and export to other planets has placed a severe strain on distillers all over the Caribbean. An increase in production over the past two years has only led to an even larger jump in consumption, especially in the inner cities and the outer limits.
Already several hinterland politicians are calling for an end to the moratorium on the manipulation of natural rum resources in the Rockies. They say that the continued dependence on foreign rum will reduce this country to nothing more than “a slave to the whims of the rum cartels.”
Rum merchants here are suggesting that imbibers back off and substitute whiskey or gin for rum until this emergency subsides. Traditional sources of molasses have already been placed on the endangered list in the Lesser Antilles and the public consumption of native rum has been outlawed all along the snowy, white beaches of Hispaniola. -Suzie Compost

FALL IS THE TIME TO CHECK FOR HIPPIES

Crawl Spaces, attics could be infested

Special from the National Injunction Service and Homeland Security Act

(Woodstock, NY) Loyal consumers are reminded that fall is the time to muck out crawl spaces, window boxes, attics, sheds, garages and privies for hippies. This species, like many others in our forests, attempts to locate appropriate accommodations for the winter before the snow falls. Hippies have been known to move into all types of structures from a common line shack to the Taj Mahal only to abandon those digs for a more Spartan summer dwelling when the spring arrives. It is during this cosmic mud season that hippies are as scarce as a bull elk in the butcher shop.

In order to effectively rid one’s household/property of these pests one must first identify the problem. Have there been hippies nesting in the home on prior occasions? What can one do to discourage these squattings? Are you inadvertently doing something to attract them?

Board up those windows, seal up crawl spaces, insulate attics, haul old tires, cardboard, aluminum siding…anything that could be used for temporary construction…to the dump.  A little preventive maintenance today could save a multiple use nightmare down the road.

Next month: “Cat hair and autumn salad ideas”

CAVE SHORTAGES WORRY BEARS

(Kebler Pass) Local bears have expressed frustration and resentment this year as higher prices and a chronic shortage of caves have driven many out of the region. A growing number of the mammals have been forced to live in ramshackle shelters or share crowded housing with other bears, not even in the same family, just to make ends meet.

Newcomers to the area have driven cave prices through the ceiling with little relief in sight according to local housing concerns who say that if the situation is not rectified Western Colorado may experience a drop in year-round population.

“In order to accommodate the urban Ursidae who brings in his honey from the outside, many of the long-term shaggies may be forced out of their territory,” said one immigrant realtor, “which is progress in its purest fiscal form.”

In a related bit of news the Department of the Inferior has announced that a scrawny skunk cabbage crop could create serious food shortages for bears as the autumn makes its grand entrance. This will most likely translate in an increase in contact between hungry bears and man.

Humans actively engaged in suburban sprawl are asked to pack up their things and move back to Moline before it’s too late. Those who choose to remain are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the rigors of the natural food chain.
-Walter Wonderlust

NO TV FOR WELFARE RECIPIENTS

In what is perceived as an attempt to show competence and firm control the gov’ment is getting tough with fraudulent welfare recipients and is taking away their television privileges. The temporary action is aimed at flushing out persons receiving welfare checks who are sandbagging the system.

The feds people think the action will provoke an immediate response and that an estimated 40-50% of those abusing the assistance program will quickly terminate their relationship with their social workers. Another 25% are expected to follow suit once the weekend sports menu comes around.

Like most of his other rescue missions the details of this plan were not released. It is not known if the feds will send repo-like agents around to pick up the televisions or if the cable companies will do the dirty work from their fortified inner-city bunkers. One thing seems certain, though, the honor system will not be employed. After a few short weeks, when all the paperwork has been filed, needy people will again be able to enjoy the fine television viewing that blurs their sense of reality.

“Although we have not been informed of the specific variables of the procedure one thing is clear,” said Melvin Tool, special secretary to the special secretary’s secretary, “Even the President wants his foot on the accelerator of this baby. He’s cramming it into second and the tires are screaming! He’s laying a heavy patch of rubber!”

The President is reported to be racing to cut the fat from the system and transfer ineffective social workers to The Pentagon or The Department of Energy by 2018. After restricting television viewing the Administration plans an assault on other lethal drugs common to federal housing projects and rural slums. Already lobbyists for the giant pharmaceutical companies are getting jumpy.

The concept of creating opportunity so that the poor and disenfranchised might pull themselves up and out of this chronic mess was lost amid flag waving, partisan rambling and coffee break.

In time it is surmised that the majority of unwarranted welfare recipients will grow tired of listening to the radio and go out and look for work. That development, of course, is dependent on whether minimum wage crawls out of the dark ages and indigent people can make more filling orders than filling out forms.
-Ripple van Winkle

Sneffels Bracelet by David Houtz

Look at this! The original Sneffel’s Range bracelet available at Rocky Mountain Jewelers in Ridgway