All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

Heads of Lettuce Score Well in Standardized Testing

(Denver – Green Garden-Grade Gazette – September 15, 2015)

Many varieties of lettuce continue to do well on standardized tests given by public schools all over the country and in Grand Junction. Chief indicators, aptitude and achievement tests, saw a marked rise in scores for Leaf and Butterhead lettuce, while Iceberg and Romaine strains did quite well in aptitude exams but finished lower in general achievement assessments.
Cabbage, measured by a completely different yardstick, fell somewhere in the middle range after data was analyzed. Evaluations of cabbage, as well as other prominent salad items, will be released Tuesday. Graphs, developed to determine if farmers deserve tenure or dismissal, suggest that the lettuce is coming in higher than 45% of the students undergoing standard exams.
The relentless pressure, to prove educational effectiveness in the classroom, caused many varieties of lettuce to prematurely wilt in the math and science segments. Red leaf and Oak Leaf fall into this category. Although tastier, these fluffier, often nuttier types are considered to be less intelligent and damned to the workaday world by educators. In short, they don’t test well.
Older cabbages did better than younger ones while shelf lives of Romaine and Butterhead could not compare to the performance of Iceberg in the crunch.
“Whether these tests chronicle knowledge gained over a period of time or are simply another whitewash job by your benevolent and federal gov’ment is up in the air,” said an originator of the California Achievement Tests.
The CAT, along with the Iowa Test of Basic Skills and the Metropolitan Achievement Tests make up the meat of the standardized testing administered today in our schools.
Calling the improvements a triumph for all vegetables the test maker called for more opportunities and options for students finishing toward the bottom of the grade scale.
“We’ve got to stop fooling ourselves and direct non-academic students into other functional and fulfilling fields,” he stressed. “These tests were never intended to uplift some and cast others into the cauldron of failure. We don’t project success in life with such a rigid schematic. Why do the schools?” – Rickie Recesse

Gothic Town Hall in High Summer

It’s business as usual in Gothic, Colorado

Broncos to Play 2015 Season Without Balls

(Fumble Flats — Someday Soon Press — September 20, 2015)

The NFL Denver Broncos will take on seasonal opponents without Balls having waved Monte Ball this year and Lance Ball in 2010. The first Ball, from Wisconsin, was a high draft choice that didn’t work out while the second Ball, from Maryland, was signed as a free agent in 2010 and waved soon after.

Both spent quite a bit of time on the practice squad and consistently dropped in the depth chart until the separation became academic.

There is no benefit reading to this article in that it is simply a cheap attempt to play on words and names of players so as to create an attention-getting headline. This sequence would not even get past proofreaders at the high school level.

No further information was available as to the whereabouts of either athlete at press time. We wish them success.

Seguridad Corpse Ofrecidos

Gunnison County Weed Eaters Anonymous – 16 de septiembre 2015

El oficialmente reconocidos, patentados y con jurado 2015 Curso de Seguridad de cortacéspedes se ofrecerá de nuevo este otoño a las personas que han dominado el plan de estudios preliminares verano. Programa de este año se centra en gran medida en la adaptación del sistema métrico y su aplicación a los enfoques más convencionales para el recorte.
La adhesión a s sencillo procedimiento paso a paso se traducirá en un menor número de accidentes con las palas del rotor y la insolación al acecho de acuerdo con autores intelectuales asociados con el proyecto.
Las personas nacidas después de marzo 1949 deben tomar este curso si tienen la intención de cortar el césped en el otoño. Se insta a los Otros, nacidos antes de inscribirse para las 400 horas de clases de los sábados, con el fin de permanecer en la cima de la evolución más reciente.
“Ofrecemos un montón de consejos para la seguridad del cortacésped, así como consejos de información privilegiada en el control de malezas y las técnicas de fertilización”, dijo el miembro de la junta Charlene Gascanne, entre las reuniones.
El costo de las clases es de $ 400 (compartimento cama un poco más) razonable y debe ser pagado por adelantado. Personas capturados siega (o comer malezas sin la debida certificación se rendirán privilegios césped y pueden enfrentarse a multas y penas de prisión -. Koko Nucla

BEAR SEASON IS HERE!

Black Bear are busy building up fat for hibernation. Whether you see one in the trash in the alley out among the berries or here on the Gunnison River it is probably a good idea to leave them alone since they are bigger & faster than you. ( “Bearbait” Toole photo)

Roadworkahead Incorporated

(Silverton — Observations of Road Damage — September 3, 2015)

Welcome Roadworkahead, Colorado — the newest incorporated town in Colorado! The governor and others awarded official status this morning in response to the new burgh’s constant presence, consistent survival figures and longstanding operations in one location.

“People have recognized Roadworkahead as a real place,” said Sergio Jingles, Special Assistant to the Governor in the Forgotten Provinces. “They go there.”
The designation carries with it certain benefits and responsibilities such as lucrative pioneer funding and adaptation of rigid state norms. Already Confront Range money has built a bridge and a recreation center contingent on compliance to Colorado restrictions on noise and visual pollution.

Qualifications include length of stay, infrastructure and social measures that chronicle human interaction and mercantile activity.

“Roadworkahead is the classic city on the hill,” said Jingles, which must strive to become a town like all of the other towns in this great state. If these considerations are not met in one year we pull the plug and it returns to a bump in the road, an asphalt pumpkin.”

No votes, straw or otherwise, have been cast on the issue since there are no actual residents of the new settlement.

“We expect that to change when we complete construction on gated communities and public housing,” said Jingles. “Potential middle class inhabitants, dwindling like the light of a fall evening, can fend for themselves.”
Today a new leash law was imposed even though there are no dogs in the new town.

“We must have the positive variables in place before we open the doors to immigration,” stressed Jingles who added that the town was currently searching for a town council and a good breakfast spot.”
– Melvin Toolini