All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

Cigarette Tax Would Fund Firing Squads

(Lake City — October 20, 2015) A proposed cigarette tax would help defer the cost of providing regional firing squads, according to anti-smoking advocate Senator Oral Noise. The honorable politician made this statement while hunting turkey in Hinsdale County yesterday.

Most of the revenue collected through taxation would go directly to the squads,” said Noise, “with about 40 percent easily gobbled up by administrative cost. We feel that this plan earmarks the funds for one specific purpose and does not place the money in a cookie jar/pork barrel accessed by too many little fingers.”

Noise did not comment on the further disbursement of taxes, saying that he would wait until after a special election to elaborate on the matter.

Firing squads are employed by law enforcement agencies across the state. Due to the traditional blindfold option the morbid last minute ritual has the been associated with smoking for centuries.

“We don’t know how the public will react to this gesture,” smiled the senator, “or who might benefit from the suggested reapportionment.

WARNING TO HUNTERS

(National Ragamuffin Association Release — October 19, 2015)

Due to rampant Superfund operations and less than responsible pet enthusiasts, a massive herd of giant poodles is operating in a 15 square mile area south of Gunnison. The drove, lost or abandoned during the summer months, is comprised of what used to be miniature, or “doublewide poodles”. Now, according to authorities, some of the animals have grown to the size of small horses. Used to the good life, these once spoiled, inbred mutants are bad tempered and may attack humans with little provocation.

Although ankle wounds can be painful and in some cases require medical attention the noise level created and the unending, piercing decibel barks are what drives most voyagers insane. Most humans can only keep the lid on for about 24 hours before exhibiting neurotic symptoms such as obsessive scratching, systematic hair loss and an odd fondness for tiny polyester and acrylic doggie sweaters.

The Environmental Protection Agency, which is responsible for tailings removal and other activities in the region, claimed no responsibility for the evolution. Saying that no intentional alteration of genetic material or gene-controlled processes is occurring, the EPA has taken a wait-and-see approach to the matter.

In the meantime hunters are urged to wear industrial ankle protection along with their blaze orange when out searching for game. In addition armed visitors are reminded that poodle meat is not palatable and the hides are worthless to anyone but the most perverted taxidermist.

Gunnison police, alarmed over the growing size of both the herd and individual poodles, say they can do nothing unless the animals drift into their jurisdiction while county state authorities are attempting to confine the animals to their present domain.

– Thumbellina Etchabaron

Crested Butte Gets Tough on Drinking

Year residency required to hit the bars? — October 18, 2015

(Sopris Avenue) Locals here could be required to show more than proof of age at the door of their favorite saloon this off-season. They may have to present evidence of at least one year residency as well.

Although the application of this new ordinance may come at the discretion of each establishment, other means of enforcement might be employed, according to the local marshal’s office.

“If we observe borderline behavior on the part of a suspect, we will further investigate the situation,” said one deputy. “We’re not necessarily in favor of the ordinance, but if it is passed by the local voters we will implement it.”

Both police and the originators of the yearresidency concept feel that this move will allow for closer monitoring of alcohol consumption, especially within a group that is questionable to start with.

“Some of these people get totally out of control the first week after they have arrived in town,” said the deputy. “Maybe it’s the altitude. Maybe it’s the new environs. It’s normal, but we don’t feel that long time residents should have to suffer.”

The deputy pointed out that he has seen “about 20 years of these shenanigans, which get old after a while”. He added that he did not think the new law would affect the booming bar business in the town.

Big nights like these need to be earned say town fathers and mothers. (Bill Dickerson Photo)

Over in Ridgway the town council has adopted a measure that would require similar credentials be shown before one hurls himself into the often steamy nightlife.

“We feel that new locals should wait a little while before embracing this culture,” said Marlena Quacksalver, a spokesperson for someone’s council. “And besides, considering all the new ordinances that have been adopted here since 1990, what’s one more?”

When asked if this proposed ordinance could apply to the purchase of recreational drugs, the spokesperson appeared shocked.

“Hypothetically,” she posed. “This type of activity is the business of state drug agencies and their jurisdiction takes precedence over our silly ordinances anyway.”

-H.L. Menoken

Road Kill Employed as Speeding Deterrent

(Tales of the Organic – October 17, 2015)

(Montrose) Herd animals hit by cars on the highways this season will be left where they fell for up to three weeks as a stark reminder aimed at people who drive too fast. The DOW, in cooperation with local authorities, will not only discourage swift cleanup of all road kill, but in some cases may move the carnage to high traffic areas or other strategic spots throughout the region.

“We hope a pile of road kill here and there will prevent a pile of vehicles,” said a state spokesperson.

“Although it sounds like a pretty good idea to me, we deny the whole thing,” said Ranger Sparky Muffinsite who added that if the experimental concept were to be adopted, most activity would have to take place after dark so as to minimize suspicions on the part of an already dubious public.

Utah and New Mexico have already adopted the approach, eyeballed as a radical measure by many outside the sagebrush circle.

Despite OBambicare Many Deer Uncovered

(Haley Draw — Bone Cracker Post — October 16, 2015)

A majority of the state’s deer and elk will have to sustain the rigors of hunting season without adequate medical coverage, it was disclosed today. Even with the implementation of the controversial Affordable Care Act (Obambicare) many will have no protection at all.

“OBambicare can be a little confusing, said a source at Game and Fish,” “I’m sure that the situation will resolve itself in about a decade or so.”
The only animals who will have major medical coverage are those who have purchased that service from the private sector. Those who had relied on the state to provide health insurance will be left out in the cold.

Life insurance benefits will remain much the same as they have in the past but wildlife officials urge all deer and elk to read the fine print before signing anything.”

“Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
– Voltaire

VENISON CAR WASH SLATED

(Norwood Follower and Finder – October 15, 2015)

The local chapter of The Protected Order of Venison will sponsor a car wash on Saturdays during November. The auto cleansing will be offered from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. along Grand Avenue. The cost is $10 which will go to the United Venison Collage Fund. Hunters are invited but reminded that a cease fire exists within the town limits.

Other interested parties are encouraged to take advantage of the less than savvy automotive janitors by showing up with multiple vehicles and/or the week’s laundry. Advance tickets are available at what was once San Miguel Pharmacy and what was once Rooney’s Chevrolet. Turn out and show your support for this worthwhile organization.