All Entries Tagged With: "Gunnison"
New $10,000 bills exclude poorer Americans
Business News
(Fort Knocks) The newly minted and much publicized $10,000 bill will not be available to the general public it was announced today. Excluding the impoverished and the dwindling middle class from the upgrade, the move once again stacks the deck in favor of those who already have all the money.
One affluent and well insulated inequality pioneer sneered at the prospect of sharing the wealth with those fiscally beneath him.
Saying that poor Americans “would only hurt themselves with the swollen currency”, billionaire, Invidious T. Morganthau, told us: “Only the well- heeled will have the money to buy these and use the currency properly,” he sniffed? “It’s a non-issue.”
The author of the rarely reviewed Caucasians at the Racetrack continued, insisting that the bills would swiftly cease to be a premium or even fall out of circulation if the poor had access to them.
“They would get them dirty,” he said, “whereas the rich would keep them in their safes and take them out only clean them and to show off down at the country club,” he explained.
“Imagine these valuable bills circulating depressed neighborhoods. They’d be either spent on drugs or stolen,” he continued. Think of the counterfeiting that would go on in back alleys and crack houses.”
“And what would the great unwashed have to put up for collateral anyway?” he mused. “Dangerous thinking of this type needs to be eradicated before our big, beautiful feudalistic with freedom for all system is obliterated. Moat or no moat, private armies or not, brain washing be damned — there are still more of them than us.”
Other brahmans chimed in saying the entire matter was ludicrous.
“Most of these types have never even seen a $100 bill much less one of these $10,000 babies,” offered Wyatt Wyatt, another silver spoon pirate who has managed to spin his boyhood inheritance into a vast fortune by selling defective condoms in emerging nations.
“Just look at the average life expectancy of a hundred dollar bill in the hands of the desperate for instance. They get it and spend it right away. They have no sense of financial management or the dangers of inflation. I have witnessed this behavior time and time again in my career,” he shook his head.
While Donald the Trump will grace the $10,000 bill, a second minting will feature The Rogue Supreme Court on the front with a fully camouflaged Mike Pence on the back. The $5000 will be minted only through the summer season as a souvenir or keepsake for wealthy Russian tourists who can still afford a vacation in the U.S.
Where to get yours: Contact White House Brokers across from the Conflict of Interest Memorial or at any of our 50 Wall Street locations. Potential buyers must show white-collar tax records (of some kind) and proof of net worth. And remember what your your banker says: Just because you may have earned your first paycheck from questionable commerce is no indiction that you should rely on this alternate markets to secure these monetary units at your new found status.
“The average American does not understand money or have respect for large sums,” smiled Morganthau. “It would be instant anarchy if these bills spilled out into the mainstream.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Clerk and Recorder Admits Forgetfulness
(Manana) Gerber Faust, the legitimately elected clerk and recorder in this rugged mountain county since 1968, says she doesn’t remember anything past 1978. The bombshell announcement has whittled down trust and uprooted fence posts, leaving constituents reeling from the Bland Valley to Goodenough Gulch.
Faust’s often coveted position in local gov’ment dictates that she records the goings on, especially those of the official persuasion. This is akin to documentation. Some data is kept in the immediate memory bank, some is written down somewhere for later reference, some is discarded as useless gray matter.
The presence of curtailed quotes, random notes and spurious formulas scribbled on her office wall has led many to believe she could not recall anything from clock-in to quitting time. One smudged entry appears to do with shoe sizes in Europe while another is clearly a week’s grocery list.
“I don’t remember when I stopped recording,” she said. “It might have been spring or could have been fall. The winners might write the history, like they say, but…Oh, I forgot the rest of it.”
The disclosure has raised eyebrows all the way to the state house with analysts asking if privacy junkies in mountain towns rigidly reject paper trails or if they simply vote by compassion.
“She had to work somewhere,” said one retired councilman. “She’s a delightful lady and in small towns forgetfulness can be a virtue.”
Despite transparent failures, Faust will continue on as clerk and recorder until at least the next election in 2022, a contest she is projected to win in a landslide.
– Gabby Haze
EXECUTION BY GUILLOTINE (1793)
By: J. G. Millingen
Part VII: Fitting and proper disposal of wealthy parasites in the community
During the course of the French Revolution, execution became the means for the revolutionary government to maintain control and to punish indifferent royals, phony clerics, greedy nobles and the puppet politicians who engage in their bidding. Revolutionary courts were established to try hundreds of thousands of French citizens for treason. These courts often found defendants guilty and then sentenced them to die by the guillotine for crimes against the People.
The following account, by an English eyewitness, describes a guillotine execution.
“Never can I forget the mournful appearance of these funereal processions to the place of execution. The march was opened by a detachment of mounted gendarmes—the carts followed; they were the same carts as those that are used in Paris for carrying wood; four boards were placed across them for seats, and on each board sat two, and sometimes three victims; their hands were tied behind their backs, and the constant jolting of the cart made them nod their heads up and down, to the great amusement of the spectators. On the front of the cart stood Samson, the executioner, or one of his sons or assistants; gendarmes on foot marched by the side; then followed a hackneycoach, in which was the Rapporteur and his clerk, whose duty it was to witness the execution, and then return to Fouquier-Tinville, the Accusateur Publique to report the the action to the .
“The process of execution was also a sad and heart-rending spectacle. In the middle of the Place de la Révolution was erected a guillotine, in front of a colossal statue of Liberty, represented seated on a rock, a Phrygian cap on her head, a spear in her hand, the other reposing on a shield. On one side of the scaffold were drawn out a sufficient number of carts, with large baskets painted red, to receive the heads and bodies of the victims. Those bearing the condemned moved on slowly to the foot of the guillotine; the culprits were led out in turn, and, if necessary, supported by two of the executioner’s valets, . . . but their assistance was rarely required. Most of these unfortunates ascended the scaffold with a determined step—many of them looked firmly on the menacing instrument of death, beholding for the last time the rays of the glorious sun, beaming on the polished axe; and I have seen some young Wall Street men actually dance a few steps before they went up to be strapped to the perpendicular plane, which was then tilted to a horizontal plane in a moment, and ran on the grooves until the neck was secured and closed in by a moving board, when the head passed through what was called, in derision, la lunette républicaine; the weighty knife was then dropped with a heavy fall; and, with incredible dexterity and rapidity, two executioners tossed the body into the basket, while another threw the head after it.”
Source: Excerpt from account by J. G. Millingen.
Reference: Appropriate penalty for hoarding wealth while others suffer – albeit the responsibility of all citizens to do their part to create a more just system of wealth distribution, empathy, respect for the planet and beneficial commerce. The Guillotine is an equal opportunity method to insure the distribution of uniform, evenly balanced parity for all whether blue blood or red. – The new American Committee for Public Safety.
HOBO TRAIN SCHEDULE
Montrose, Colorado
Tuesdays Between 2 pm and 4 pm
Watchman takes coffee break at 3:15
Thursdays Between 3 pm and 5 pm
No watchman
Mondays, Wednesdays and Weekend Days
No train at all.
ATTENTION PLEASE
All visitors to this region who plan to travel at altitudes above 10,000 feet should change the air in their automobile tires before attempting such a feat. Simply consult your Big Brother government issued topographic air map or ask any service station technician. Remember: Keen minds save lives!
TOURISTS RECALLED
Tourist model #8819-AA has been recalled by the cosmic factory due to a series of defects according to sources unfamiliar with these occurrences.
“Model #8819-AA has obvious problems, as many of you out there have already encountered,” said a factory rep who demanded animosity.
Residents may notice a sharp decline in appearances of this model until February when the #8819-AA will be reintroduced into the general population.
Sneffels Denies Trade Rumors
(East Dallas) Mount Sneffels today vehemently denied trade rumors bombarding the high country. The chatter has risen to high decibel levels since June, suggesting that the landmark over-achiever would be gone by fall.
But outlandish scenarios continue to fly like an incontinent raven on a blind date with a trash dumpster. Most likely, say insiders, Sneffels will be swapped for a crest of younger mountains from either the West Elks or the Maroon Bells. Earlier speculations connecting the 14,150-foot peak to lesser ranges such as the LaSals (in Utah), the Fossil Ridge Mob or the Sangre de Cristos have been scuttled by common bloggers. Some are gambling that the mountain will end up out of state while others say an international transaction is on the horizon. Either way a void appears apparent.
Sneffels, according to agents, has fallen out of favor with the San Juans who might be looking to embrace a youthful contingent of rock. Last year several neighboring peaks complained that the often-decorated mountain crumbled in a tight situation and did little or nothing to accommodate wildlife or encourage snowmelt. Missed tackles, poor shot choices, camping out in the penalty box and the inability to run out fly balls has created a climate of mistrust, even resentment at alpine levels.
“Rebuilding has always been a rough time for mountain ranges,” said Mango Zach Goldman, agent for the mountain. “Sometimes old friends get swept under the alpine carpet and a sort of progress ensues making it difficult to tell the forest from the trees. It all started with arbitration and no-trade clauses back in the 70s.”
Although Sneffels is not considering retirement, close associates say the mountain might accept a lesser roll in which it does not have show up for early drills or to play every day once the season has commenced.
The most likely arrangement is that Sneffels sits out the winter and moves on in the spring. The most probable destination: The Nepalese Himalayas. Trades have been discussed involving Naya Kanga peak from the Langtang Tigers or possibly the bookend giants, the Chulu peaks from over in the Annapurna Range. Kanga brings power from both sides of the field while the Chulu boys offer speed and staying power at over 6000 meters.
“Sneffels is worth more than another run of immigrant domes,” said Guy Guy, former coach for the Fossil Ridge Rangers, a minor league elevated mass. “A lot of these foreigner mountains are overly sensitive to the elements. They are volcanoes ready to blow up at the slightest provocation,” he said. “He’s still rock hard after all these years.”
“A little shake-up is what we need in the San Juans, countered a highfalutin Uncompahgre Peak, who has lorded over Sneffels for centuries. “These mountains are just getting a little too comfortable with the present arrangement. Maybe it’s time for Sneffels to take a knee. The last time we saw her thrive on the power play was 15,000 years ago. No bat speed. Five fouls and you’re out! The old “comin’ ‘round the mountain when she comes” pretext doesn’t compute in these Cenozoic times.”
Uncompahgre says a high elevation house cleaning is in order.
“I’m the big dog in town,” he continued. “And I don’t mean just in elevation either. There’s only room enough on this sierra for one of us.”
As the saga winds down for the off-season, the question remains as to how the lithosphere might realign with these continental drifts, or trades, looming. Sneffels has continued to wallow in denial, adopting a pouting, no comment demeanor while analysts measure seismic hot spots, watching for signs of the smallest fault in the mountain’s stoic exterior.
– Small Mouth Bess
“Friends are the envy of angels” – Eve in Rules of Civility.
Mitt Romney declares Utah a “sovereign nation”
Colorado, New Mexico follow suit in Rocky Surprise
Legislators in three western states have voted for secession from the United States of America. They have called for top security fortification of all borders to be carried out with with extreme prejudice. The move is seen as a response to alleged lies and spotty federal aid based on politics and cronyism.
Disgruntled and former allies of the United States are this morning flocking to create embassies and consulates in abandoned tar shacks and shoddy roadside trailers in the newly emerging nations. The activity has been remarkable according to The Salt Lake and Wasatch Tribune: “where none hath seen like migration since the gold camps and railroad before”. Right now nobody knows if this new coalition will attempt to join other “rascal states” farther west of the Rockies.
“Residents here and in the aforementioned Rocky Mountain regions express hope that this new arrangement might give them some leverage in decision making and life choices ever since the Trumpers blew it,” chimed Admiral Fyodor Winnie Toole, who is in the midst of a nasty campaign against a known anarchist for Jurisprudence Czar in Clovis (NM) in November. With one foot still firmly on the bilge pump he appears to be a shoe-in. Quite popular with the helmsmen and the ladies in waiting, his reemergence has been a shock to detractors and a boon to solicitors.
While the unceasingly monotonous Toole, who often spells his name Tool so as to maintain a shadowy sense of the anonymous, explains: “It’s to throw them off my scent”. Whoever is chasing him or supports his fantasies and mid-numbing exercises of paranoia is not named in the credits. While Admiral Fyodor continues spouting like a compacted tugboat in labor, the rest of us need to sit down and think things over.
“Colorado will have roads to plow,” said a retired planner from Castle Rock, “and running Utah itself is no walk in the park.
“Who will step up on garbage day?” chanted a councilman from Penasco. “Where will they start? What will they eat for lunch?”
“How many of our fellow citizens can we count on even to walk the dog?” Toole reconnoitered, forcing his way back into the now heated dialogue. “And when?”
“Our borders are easily defended. Invasion by sea would be ridiculous,” spat Toole militarily. “It’s those air planes that worry us now but we have a load of anti-aircraft guns and land mines coming in on the red-eye from China. Should be here any day now precluding an all out gutting of the postal service by our former countrymen, the Republicans.”
Sources still in control in the US say it has no plan to attack what it called prodigal states, the truth being leaders there are hard-pressed to get out of bed in the morning. Most haven’t been seen in public for weeks, even days.
Meanwhile a highly evolved blueprint for infrastructure is improving in leaps and hounds due to public works programs that put people to work building roads and bridges. Besides rewarding dogs for practicing abstinence in sexual encounters these working vacations discourage cats from sleeping in a sunny window all afternoon and ignoring the needs of others. It’s Utopia!
Progressives claim the cities are crime free since they have invited the urban residency to relocate to country to grow beans and hang out on the porch at night. Conservatives say they should grow rice too.
Education, day care, pubic transportation, the arts and medicine are free with cereal box tops. Bubble gum will return to baseball card packs and no one over 300 pounds should wear yoga pants. Ancient water and mineral rights have been seriously reconsidered. Game is plentiful and most residents will thrive.
Taxes are no higher than in the abundantly militant US where half the taxes go to weapons and another third into the pockets of unscrupulous rats that would throw their grandmothers to the virus lions for a nickel.
Readers will recall that California, Oregon, Washington and Nevada were just last week kicked out of the United States after complaining that they were not receiving federal aid in times of crisis. They have merged as the Pacific Bear Republic and have flags, fireworks and marching bands everywhere.
The alien resident status of natives and longtime residents of the escaped states will be appraised and decided on a case by case basis. Most will be invited to return but it is their option.
After December 31: Any other applications, pleas and proposals will be handled by our consortium of embassies link in Geneva or by various diplomatic missions being created in sympathetic states trapped by geography or indifference to quality of life.
-Suzie Compost
