All Entries Tagged With: "dining out"
McConnell in advanced stage of soft shell disease
(Turtle Cove) Former Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been diagnosed with advanced soft shell disease it was disclosed today. The infirmity, while not clearly visible to others, gradually eats away at the conscience causing the victim to lose all sense of honor and clarity.
Many suggest that the health issues are behind McConnell’s agreement to share power with Democrats on Covid legislation.
Persons close to McConnell told reporters that episodes of spinelessness and attempts to distance himself from a monster he helped create were symptoms of soft-shell disease and that McConnell cannot be held accountable for his actions. They further stated that the GOP had kept “this shell thing” quiet since 2018.
“If he had faced the health care options of most Americans he would probably be dead,” said one angry voter who has lost several family members to Covid-19.
“Petty holdups in Congress go a long way to suggest that wealthy elected officials don’t really give a damn about how many people are dying from Covid,” stressed the voter who wished to remain anonymous. “They are fine. Their money is fine. This legislation is one year late. Twelve months of doing almost nothing. Trump had no plan and apparently Congress did not either.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
“What am I doing? Well, I’m lookin’ to fall in with the wrong sort. How about you?”
– Melvin B. Toole, from Date Night in Rifle, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Trump-free accepted by Merriam Webster
(Orlando) The term Trump-free has been included in the annual updated version of the heralded dictionary due to a spike in common usage over the past year.
This particular dictionary is accepted as the ultimate source for legitimate words, spellings, definitions and grammatical uses. Only valid and vernacular words are included in this roster of English words
Joining caffeine-free, lint-free and gluten-free among others, Trump-free will be listed alphabetically and referenced in the back of the reference book.
Most commonly found in conversations about the 2020 presidential election, the term has waded into the conflicts between money and the environmental state of the planet. It is often used as a predicate noun or even a weak participle but can be applied to a plethora of situations where the speaker embraces the invisible or the lack of presence.
“The left-field right quote the Bible and the Constitution when it benefits them but most have never read either document. It seems the dictionary has fallen victim to the same indifference and ignorance worship,” said one of hundreds of Democratic candidates. “I for one have never seen anyone successfully cherry-pick a reference book like this but there’s a first time for everything.”
– Gabby Haze
Local Man Admits to Packer Slayings
(Crested Butte) G. Roscoe Lovinggood, 99, has admitted to the slayings of his companions and to cannibalism during a gold seeking venture near Lake City in 1874. Taking “full responsibility” for these notorious acts, blamed on Alferd Packer, Lovinggood said he shot Israel Swan and George Noon in self-defense and later gunned down Shannon Bell, James Humphrey and Frank Miller in a rear-guard action following the trios’ objections to his bloody behavior.
Local police remain skeptical since Lovinggood’s age does not match up with the admissions and that he has a history of taking responsibility for other lawless behavior, including the murder of William Julius Barney outside Telluride’s Smuggler Mine in 1902, and for the sinking of the Titanic in 1912.
“While his connection with the Titanic is mathematically feasible, he would have been 4-years-old at the time of the disaster and not a likely suspect,” said one investigating officer. “Besides that foul play was never a consideration in the sinking of the ocean liner. The other two events, however, happened before 1908, his legal date of birth, and therefore must be discounted,” he smirked.
Due to repeated demands that he be taken seriously on this matter, Lovinggood spent one night in the Crested Butte dog pound compliments of the local police force. He remains on limited probation and a fixed income as of this morning.
– Small Mouth Bess
“God knows when you don’t tip,” – Pepper Salt, veteran waitress
That’s why they call it Wild Cat Creek
Colona Bank Robbed in Broad Daylight
Thieves robbed the Seamen’s Credit Union here making off with an assortment of cash, fixtures and promises according to eyewitnesses on the scene. Actually the crooks couldn’t rob it in the dark since it is closed then.
Police believe the crooks to be hold up somewhere in the town’s little known catacombs which reputedly run from one now defunct whorehouse entry to another. One resident reported activity in Colona’s only church steeple but it turned out to be unruly magpies.
“We believe we have a lead or two,” said one sheriff’s deputy. “If there was a donut shop in town we could integrate our efforts with Montrose and San Miguel Counties,” continued the officer. “As it is there isn’t even a place to get a cup of coffee. This could be a long investigation.”
Colona Restricts Business Hours
Called a feeble attempt to control rampant commercialism in the county’s third economic impact municipality, restrictions here strongly indicate a return to the radical isolationism of the past. Despite its prime location atthe head of the valley and its access to the non-existent railroad, mobilized fathers and mothers here appear to be engaged in a painstaking return to simpler times.
Enter The Knifer Ordinance, which severely restricts the amount of work to be done in the village and outlying region. Although controversial at first, merchants and service personnel have adapted well according to the local drone owners association. How all of this will affect the price of bait is anyone’s guess. Here’s a peek:
The San Juan Horseshoe website has volunteered to cut it’s hours to 11:30 – 1 every other Thursday in support of the civic effort. Justman Sawmill will no longer be open 24 hours although it still is literally – just not to the public. Hours of operation at Knifer’s Garage used to be posted on a utility pole across Hotchkiss Avenue but apparently someone took them down. None of these businesses accept appointments or personal checks.
HISTORY OF THE CLAP
Ever since homo erectus strolled these shores ritual of clapping in approval and/or appreciation has been with us. Why did such an odd ritual gain such favor within societies as remote as the Maori in New Zealand and the Utes in North America? Were ancient peoples really only trying to kill flies when the curtain went down? What did early entertainers from places like the Fertile Crescent think when the audience began slapping their hands together at a particularly moving moment on stage? We have no idea. Maybe they thought it was locusts. Nonetheless, here are some of the more pronounced developments chronologically introduced through the ages.
5000 BC a clumsy Bornean orangutan (spanking monkey) falls from a branchwater eucalyptus tree while applauding a traveling mango juggling troupe near the Mount Kilimanjaro. Millenniums later, his straw-hatted ancestors ritualistically repeat a version of the same act at national political conventions.
2750 BC Early Hitites disguised as edible crustaceans receive the first recorded standing ovation after a lackluster performance of Don’t Cry For Me Hattusa!
1523 BC Nefertiti is applauded by Egyptian talisman after acquiring her own checking account despite the protests by hubby and noted Vaudevillian, Akhenaton. Popular Nile Valley punk band, The Pharaohs, jam for an additional fourteen hours after a third ovation (or was that played for three after 14 ovations). Sadly, fruit loops and canned laughter were hurled at the musicians toward the end of the performance, resulting in injuries to the fourth buffoon and the bass player.
900 BC Sumerians invent beer and sell it in cardboard 6-packs to the chagrin of many who have not yet mastered mathematics or the Mesopotamian shekel. Profits were said to be “immoral”. Gobshites with cumbersome wind-generated clapping and stomping machines first appear on the Peloponnese.
401 BC Xanthippe, wife of Socrates appears in public wearing kid gloves made from Cyprian bat guano and impotent polyester. While stifling unwanted crowd noise, the fashion accessories effectively limit the pain inherent to excessive clapping by other Greek philosophers. In 402 she showed up with Khandian ear plugs hurling her and her entourage into periods of scorn and insignificance while in exile in the mountains of Karpathos.
559 BC – Confucius releases his classic One Hand Clapping Backwards. 2500 years later it becomes the film Karate Kid.
522 BC Prophets Ezekiel and Zoroaster simultaneously predict the emergence of Elvis and snow making. Spanking, called subdued applause by the Druids, replaces crucifixion as punishment for misdemeanors on the Isle of Man.
200 BC After a tedious reading of Reconnoiter My Arse, Gaelic warrior Courvoisier, bows from the waist and is beheaded by Roman legions. The clapping lasted well into the next century.
11 BC First case of fruit throwing at in indoor venue, Carthage. See The Pharaohs above. Perpetrators were arrested after Cairo police performed a juice scan and a mean soft shoe. Wordsmiths in Constantinople disavow crude slang words associated with an appreciative audience.
2 AD Invention of the trash bag heralded as man’s finest achievement up to that point in history. Clapping after the main meal gradually disappears in the Urals, replaced by a convivial, boisterous burp.
Continued on Page 45
