Colorado Loses Zoo License

(Denver) Lingering budget cuts within the state treasury have precipitated the expiration of Colorado’s long held National Zoo License which legitimizes the hosting of over 300 animal species in the woods and forests of the Centennial State. Fees paid to the federal government, reportedly located somewhere on the East Coast, have been in the rubber stamp category since Teddy Roosevelt was President.

Sources here expressed frustration over the loss of the prestigious beast status which has for over a century allowed Colorado to claim bear, lion, wolves, elk, moose and wolverines in the roster of residents. The wild creatures have been a source of pride to many much like the Centennial State’s sunny skies and miles of wilderness.

“The license has now expired,” said one Division of Wildlife official, “and we figure our jobs will be the next to go. Imagine our mountains without deer and elk, without sage grouse and ptarmigans. I can’t imagine that they fish are happy. Even the birds and the bees could be forced out before the end of the year.”

It was not clear if trout and Kokanee would fall under a protective umbrella since they are reputedly cold blooded and interstate in nature. Already Utah and New Mexico have moved to welcome mammals living near their borders with Wyoming expected to join these ranks by the weekend.

“We have our on four-leafed wards to deal with, said Flora Terch, an animal behaviorist from Santa Fe. “Our welfare rolls are already overburdened with too many needy animals, but we cannot sit back and watch these pathetic creatures wander around aimlessly or go without. They could end up in Oklahoma where they would be shot and eaten on sight.”

Colorado officials estimate that homes will be needed for about 300,000 displaced animals who will no longer be protected here.

It will be difficult to place some of the larger predators,” said Terch, “and we fear that natural selection, regulated populations. seasonal mating, and ancient migratory patterns will never return.”

Not everyone is upset about this fiscal adjustment.

“We have grown sick and tired of these deadbeat wildlife freeloaders carried by the rest of us taxpayers,” said Andrew Stripmalle, a Front Range developer. “People can hardly live the good life with all these fury beggars about.”

Many here have seen this situation coming for quite sometime. Fires and encroachment by suburbs and trophy dream homes have put the animals uptight but most seem to have adapted and figured they’d be living here forever.

“I guess they should have talked to the Utes,” said the DOW source.

– Fred Zeppelin