The South May Have Risen

(Charleston, SC — Dixie Doings — June 10,2016)

Retired cavalry officer, Jeb Stuart Forest, claims that the American South has risen. The grandson of Confederate stalwart, Nathaniel Bedford Forest, insists that the Confederacy should be reinstated due to simple economics.

Forests’ dollar-for-dollar math is all related to the net worth of a Confederate dollar bill, printed in 1862, compared to that of United States dollar bill printed last week.

“I am holding a Rebel bill in my right hand and a Yankee bill in my left,” he said. “Any fool can tell you which one is worth more, and I ain’t talking about gold standards here. It’s the Confederate bill!”

Collectors ascertained his dramatic decree, adding that a one-dollar Confederate bill in good shape could bring as much as five dollars from a serious collector.

“Like most fiscal markets this once fluctuates daily and can be determined by such factors as availability and geographical demand,” said one ______. “What sells for a buck and a half in Natchez, Mississippi might bring three dollars in Savannah.”

Forest estimates that a Confederate ten-dollar bill could bring as much as $125 while the U.S. counterpart can be had for face value.

“Since all the wars since Abraham, the prophet, not the president, have been fought entirely over economics, I think my point comes home to roost,” said Forest. “The government that no longer exists is stronger than the one that continues to stumble on into the 21st Century. If things keep looking up we might be able to take Pennsylvania without sending in Robert E Lee.”

Forest, who lost a finger during the liberation of Grenada, hopes his ideas might branch out and dictate banking policies all over what was the Confederate Sates of America.

– Ambrose Early