Snoring Machine Perfected

(Ouray) A gasoline-powered, alternate current device is ready for the assembly line according to inventor Melvin Toole, of Red Mountain Town. The contraption, created from rusty, discarded mining tin, brass pipe, circular fans and dangling tin foil, sports tiny speakers and a heat detection gadget that sets it off when intruders, human or otherwise, approach.

“It sounds exactly like snoring,” said Toole, “with woofers and tweeters pushing compressed oxygen into the pipe caverns and the fans taking it from there.”

Toole plans to market the product to people who want to keep bears and other predators away whether out in the woods or at home. The machine requires simple installation. It can be mounted on one’s structure or easily staked into the ground adjacent to a tent.

“Right now our main focus is the audio,” said Toole. “It has to sound authentic or the bears or they won’t be detoured in their marauding. It has to sound like another animal is on the premises. My apparatus is easily the best precaution for the dollar. It beats expensive security systems and is more streamlined than armed sentinels.”

Toole told The Horseshoe that the machine would cost approximately $400.

“That,” he said is cheap compared to the destructive capacities of local bruins. “After the fact, when it’s usually too late to prevent damage or violence people are always surprised at what one of these beloved monsters can do to a kitchen or patio.”

     “One resident up here has his entire deck destroyed by a large sow in search of food. Another woke up to find his car completely totaled after an angry bear was denied entry into a freezer and threw a tantrum,” he explained.

“People who are confronted with nosy bear while sleeping in a tent could face even more serious consequences,” he said. “We just want to make the night safer for people.”

“I’m a great putter. I just can’t seem to get the ball to go into the little hole.”

-Danny the Druid