Seismologists Isolate Laugh Tracks

(Wilson Peak) Researchers here at the Wilson Seismic Observatory have determined that not only attitudes but also laughter levels are affected by moisture and dreary weather. Previously used to locate and measure earthquakes, hunt for oil and to study glaciers the seismograph has been found capable of recording and amplifying laughter waves.

Magnification of ground motion is intrinsic in these investigations. Often scientists will set off explosives above or below the surface. This produces sound waves that bounce back from rock strata, or layers, at various depths. The relative travel time of these waves sheds light on what lies beneath the surface of the planet and, in the case of generated mirth, indicates the general mental health of the population.

Very sensitive seismographic equipment is necessary to acquire a valid reading for enjoyment response. It’s often difficult to differentiate between a slight chuckle and an all out guffaw without collecting mounds of data. The storage of such information alone can be a nightmare.

“Once we dropped an expensive galvanometer off Bridal Veil Falls and it hit some guy’s trophy home down in town,” said Dr. Melvin Toolini, a specialist in Applied Inertia, flown in fresh from Naples Thursday. “Of course he sued the whole shooting match and progress was set back about twenty years. Now we suspend apparatus such as electromagnetic transducers off our necks much like the photographer perched on the edge of a scenic cliff or even hung up a ponderosa.”

Funds for this continued research come from Optimist Clubs, mental health cadres and of course from Congress, itself the subject of much laughter and cynicism. Although findings are still at the giggle stage and much data has yet to be compiled, several conclusions are clear.

“People don’t laugh as much when the sun doesn’t shine,” quipped Toolini. “In addition, studies have indicated that the public is less affectionate and far more frugal in cloudy weather. Humidity levels also control aggressive tendencies, fatigue levels and eating habits.”

     Much by accident the Wilson group has stumbled across another fringe phenomenon: Laugh tracks broadcast by television networks, during those clever half hour situation comedies, are not tapes of real laughter as previously surmised, but rather are synthetically produced sound waves.

“We see this kind of response as a sort of hot dog of the Richter Scale,” continued Toolini. “Although the product appears to be of quality it may contain all sorts of unhealthy bi-products.”

Further study indicates that the average person’s laughter levels would increase significantly if they could view the writers of such programs drawn and quartered or victims of firing squads at the termination of the program.

“Unfortunately the intellectual levels of TV viewers drop significantly when rainy days persist,” said Toolini. “That may account for the popularity of talk shows.”  

– Suzie Compost

“The U.S. should not be promoting its values internationally. It should not be telling other counties how they run themselves. The multilateral institutions, that the U.S. has had a significant role in, are part of that problem.”  –  Ian Bremmer, head of Eurasia Group.