READER RECIPES

The following culinary offerings were collected over the winter by bonne bouche/pot luck editor Juan Haute. They are probably approved by some federal agency or the other, and are currently being tested on nickel-and-dime politicians prone to taking their meals alone in their rooms.

QUICK ROADY BURGERS
Take approximately one half pound of lean ground beef and roll into a paddy using only left index fingers. Let stand, but remain seated. Place on toasted bun and garnish with tomato and pickle. Enjoy. Turkey burger can be substituted for ground beef, since it’s easier to catch one of those stupid birds than a whole damn cow.

SPAM-TWINKIE SURPRISE
In a large casserole dish combine grilled spam and twinkies saving the wrapper. After the mixture reaches a boil remove the white filling and place on the wall. Combine flour, water and lard to make a zesty crust. Turn entire ensemble often. Add one quart of gin and serve steaming over dirty rice or dry toast. Store leftovers on the window sill covered with last year’s visquine and a pinch of nutmeg. Serves four.

GRITS ON A SHINGLE
Boil grits until tender, adding jalapeno butter and light cream as you go. Pour concrete-like substance over Navajo fry bread for a multi-cultural delight. Hint: Your grits will come out fluffy if you prepare them (bulk rate) at sea level while wearing a Confederate uniform. Add tomato paste, holding back the tomatoes. Top with a mixture of shredded tofu and diluted yogurt seed, which will act as a deterrent to marauding pigeons hoping to rain on your parade.

LIVERWURST SOUFFLE
Soak lunchmeat in cooking oil over night. Fry bologna until it puffs up into convex shape. Baloney can be substituted for bologna in emergency situations. If meat is not tender, use as target practice and repeat the entire process. Prior to serving, arrange meat in pinwheel pattern to distract guests. Garnish with chopped garlic and crumbled memories of a difficult childhood.

EGGPLANT FIZZ
This popular summer beverage is easily produced using about a pound of half-baked eggplant and cup of sloe gin. Combine in a blender or shake vigorously for about 10 minutes until consistency is not in question. Add ice and top with seltzer water. Pour into large tub as guests may chose to submerge themselves in the mixture before drinking it. If supply should exceed demand on your first outing, do not despair. The eggplant fizz concoction works well as a kibble dressing or a grass roots lubricant on American automobiles or, of course, on a well manicured lawn.