Plot to Assassinate Teocalli Foiled

(Crested Butte) A diabolical plot to rub out populist 13,208-foot Teocalli Mountain has been thwarted by undercover agents here. The agents, operating as is the custom from their warm beds, arrested several Freedonian terrorists and recovered a large cache of single-bolt air rifles and a wheelbarrow full of contraband explosives stashed in a false wall at the Talk of the Town Tavern on Elk Avenue. The bar, long a hotbed of socialization, was not charged in the indictment, although authorities admitted the owner of the janitorial service that discovered the stash looked like an anarchist they once saw on television many years ago.

“We cannot expect people operating a bar that is painted purple to know who has access to exterior wall space,” said a local marshal to federal investigators. “How can I charge them as an accessory to anything! There is no conspiracy here! Now leave me alone or I’ll have your hybrid assault vehicle towed to Wyoming!”

A safe but shaken Teocalli remains in stable, but guarded condition at Maroon Bells Snowmass Wilderness Clinic and is expected to be released later today.

“It is difficult to imagine anyone so twisted that they would attempt to assassinate a 13,000-foot mountain,” said the marshal. “Usually they go for the 14ers.”

Incidents like this one have a strong precedent in Crested Butte, however, as kidnappers grabbed Snodgrass Mountain at Gunsight Point in 1954 and Rosebud Gulch terrorists attempted to drown Matchless Mountain in Taylor Reservoir some five years later.

Perhaps the most disruptive act of coercion took place in the mid-Seventies when the Amax Mining Company attempted to shanghai the seductive, yet illusive Red Lady. A happy ending ensued as members of the High Country Citizens Alliance swat team stormed the Amax redoubt from their stronghold to the north and freed the Lady. In the face of stiff resistance, not to mention the plummeting price of molybdenum, the mineral pirates retreated to their fortified desks in New York City.

– Princess Irm Peawit