Pentagon Plan Would Bomb Virus Back to the Stoned Age

(Warshinkton) Whistle blowers here tell of a not-so-secret plan to bomb the infamous Coronavirus19 into submission. The strategy, logical enough if one crunches numbers in the budgetary pie, has allegedly been discussed since February leaving munitions manufacturers beaming and citizens watching the sky.

According to Dr. Timothy “Tim” Maloney, a fellow at the Altered States Conservatory, the matter is all but wrapped in plastic and out the door. Although he doesn’t agree with the explosive solution he is not surprised.

“They will do anything to remove themselves from the proverbial hook,” he explained. “It doesn’t matter if it makes any sense. It is action at a time when action is required and people are still buying snake oil solutions. Targets, delivery systems and elected officials make strange bedfellows in times of impending disaster as well as acute inconvenience,” he chuckled.

When pressed, several high-ranking staff officers denied the accusations but did not condemn the proposals that they insisted were never brought to the table and such.

“We’re not saying we talked about bombing the virus but we’re not saying it couldn’t work,” said one general. “We currently maintain a stockpile of weapons that could destroy the planet 300 times. Surely that would be ample firepower to waste the virus, even with the acknowledged collateral damage. We could start by bombing hospitals since that’s where so many of the sick people are now residing.”

Meanwhile the White House urged Americans and some Canadians who want to be like Americans, to remain under their school desks until this whole medical disaster blows over.

As of this afternoon there has been no update on a suspected plot by Senate Republicans to bail out FOX News and guarantee bonuses for CEOs affected by the crashing stock market and the rising cost of ventilators on the black market.

Note: Voices from the ashes of the Center for Disease Control are demanding that anyone who has had contact with Trump, Pence or Kushner report to his/her nearest aluminum bingo hall/hospital to undergo what has been described as a painful exorcism ritual as soon as possible.

– Finn McCool

Unreliable sources contributed to this report