O’Toole hits into record pace 93 double plays

Melvin “Breakfast Meat” O’Toole hit into a record 93rd double play this afternoon, breaking ancient records dating back to Doubleday. The Mañana Ayers Double Dip Digit League standout performed the feat with 40 games left on the schedule.

Toole hanging in Manana, 1920

“It is unfathomable for a player to continue at this pace,” said Mona Byrnes, proprietor of Heart Byrnes Food Truck, which is often parked in front of the popular keystoner’s locker. “Imagine what he could do in 200 games!”

During the cycle O’Toole was repeatedly clocked at under a minute from home to first. Despite his catty ways at the plate his speed didn’t help his stats much. Some say he would have turned in even better numbers between second and third but, in his lengthy and distinguished career, he has never been to second or third.

“A hard grounder is a hard grounder…6 to 4 to 3,” said Byrnes between sausages and pizza. “It’s a lot like these nachos here. Without the salsa they’d never make it to first base.”

O’Toole is also famous for the introduction of a 200 mile-per-hour knuckle-curve back in 1919, which was subsequently banned in 1920 due to damage to backstops and injuries to batters, catchers and umpires.

– Susie Compost