Nuns Have Nuclear Weapons

(Santa Fe) In a shocking disclosure the U.N. Atomic Energy Commission today confirmed rumblings that a remote sect of Catholic nuns has developed nuclear weapons and is working on a sophisticated system of delivery.

The Little Sisters of Hopeless Causes, a cloistered order located in a secret compound in Northern New Mexico, has allegedly isolated a source for plutonium and has conducted extensive tests with live warheads says the world body. Although no direct threats have been made it is surmised that the sisters will use the weapons as educational aids in lieu of ruler slaps on the palms, ear locks and bat kneeling, effective methods held over from the Spanish Inquisition.

In an anonymous letter, with perfect punctuation and penmanship, a group calling itself Nuns With Nukes, not only admitted to possessing the warheads but taunted incorrigibles around the world to “step up to the plate” if they didn’t like it.

“We have a right to defend ourselves from sectarians, anarchists, atheists and especially students who can’t sit still in class,” said one sister. “We are putting these disruptive elements on notice: Straighten out or else!”

The news, which understandably has students at Catholic schools in a heightened state of anxiety, was met with alarm by religious leaders all over the world.

“These sisters still wield a lot of power behind the scenes,” said a Papal spokesperson. “Even the Pope doesn’t know what to do with them when they get in this state.”

At press time negotiators are attempting to convince the more moderate elements of Nuns With Nukes to give up their weapons in return for a shot at the priesthood.

– Sir Otis of Liver

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with this country and therefore nothing to fix. So, if elected I’m just gonna sit on my butt, collect a nice paycheck, utilize the great health care and enjoy life at the top. Then I’ll start collecting my well deserved pension.”    

– Big “Johnny” Ladron, candidate for the House of Reprehensibles