Meteor Showers To Interrupt TV Reception

(Ouray) Swarms of flying sparks, perhaps fragments of the annual Lyrid or Eta Aquarid meteor showers, are blamed for the termination of TV reception here. According to astronomers the shooting stars recorded a direct hit on main satellite installations rendering television signals impotent and leaving screens blank and lifeless.

Residents have been asked to sit tight and read a book or talk to family members until the problem is corrected. Experts from as far away as Lookout Mountain expressed concern that this was not an isolated atmospheric intrusion.

“Although the attack was severe we expect to have the system up and running again by February of 2020,” said Raymond Markey, a gifted technician operating in the county.

Gluttony Replacing Travel in US

(Grand Junction) Eating to excess is slowly replacing the desire to travel according to statistics compiled by the US Department of Health and Aimless Wandering. In January more than 52% of those tested gained weight while only 23% had the huevos to get on an airplane.

“It’s just that it’s easier to buy a package of Twinkies or eat at fast food emporium than it is to go anywhere,” said Melvin Toolski of the federal agency. “Comfort levels are easier to access at the dinner table than immigration counters or baggage claims.”

Toolski added that most people become disoriented when faced with packing for even a short trip while what he called Tar Baby Security at the nation’s airports has made air travel a painful experience, especially for the round.

“And this is not some cheap joke about airline food either,” quipped Toolski.

POLKA, OLIVE OIL LIFE ENHANCING

(Gunnison) People who regularly dance the polka and consume olive oil will live longer says a study conducted at Western State University here. The almost alarming results come as no surprise and the future painfully clear: We need more polka bands and need to plant and cultivate healthy high-altitude olive trees along the waterways and on the shores of Blue Mesa.

Researchers agree that long life expectancy in polka-friendly segments of Eastern Europe confirms their findings. They add that people in the Mediterranean region, whose diet is all but synonymous with olive consumption often live beyond the age of 100. Low stress was also factored in to the formula.