McConnell will bankroll Second Coming

(Glasgow, KY) In what many see as a desperate 11th hour maneuver in his ever diminishing bid to hold his Senate seat in Kentucky, Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell is promising the moon to the primitives that dawdle within his current base.

He has promised to pay for the Second Coming.

The wealthy politician did not change expression when he made the announcement. Likewise he did not disclose details or fiscal data on the outrageous undertaking, saying only that the Republicans will “once again show themselves as the party of God.”

The appearance has been coincidentally validated by “an assortment of doctoral sources, most of whom are graduates of religion institutions with accreditation and everything”, The celebration has been scheduled for sometime in late October, preceding the 2020 elections.

“We will accommodate the Lord on a fancy bluegrass estate worth just over 7 million in poverty-stricken Kentucky, says McConnell who reportedly bought the place back in 2018 to accommodate Jesus when he returned to America “to punish sinners and embrace the good folk”.

“His room is ready and waiting for him.” said McConnell who claims Christian roots when it is beneficial to him and talks salvation as part of his re-election bid, especially in more backward and rarely visited hollows in the Briar Hopper State.

 A spokesman for Democrat Amy McGrath, the former Marine fighter pilot who seeks to dethrone weak-kneed McConnell, says the senator has been twisting the truth for so long that “he has not only stripped the screw bare but is beginning to resemble a soft pretzel in thought and action.”

“He always looks like he’s about to break down and cry,” said the source. “With all the subsidies, payoffs and personal gratuities he has amassed from special interest groups he should be dancing a jig.”

 “This pledge is about as worthless as the life expectancy of Ghislaine Maxwell,” said an unidentified Kentucky Libertarian.

“This pledge is about as worthless as the life expectancy of Ghislaine Maxwell,” said an unidentified Kentucky Libertarian

 No liberals will be permitted to talk to Jesus even though the prophet was a left-leaning radical and all.

“We will avoid needless publicity as Satan the Democrat is lurking,” said the source. “After an informal reception at an undisclosed locale he will be whisked off to Fat Margo Resort for meetings with pardoned criminals, corporate bosses and pseudo-religious figures.

“We saved the coal mines and the farmers.,” said an aide to McConnell. Now we’re gonna save your freedom from socialism.”

In a related piece the Trump supporters that got on the wrong bus at Branson, Missouri have been rescued and are now reportedly on the correct bus.

“It could happen to any of us, but it happens to these folks rather regularly,” frowned one travel guide on the scene.

Sadly, only one of the flag-waving patriots of 50 on board could tell us what each star and/or stripe designates. One named three but had a cheat sheet while another insisted that the intricacy of the 206-year-old banner is proof that God is American. None could say where Ft. McHenry was located.

(Editor’s Note: Just to set the record straight, no one associated with sanjuanhorseshoe.com ever said that McConnell could not learn to ride a bicycle as a child. We simply commented that, “In a behavioral cluster, linked to the orange fat guy, we have never witnessed the Senate Majority Leader ride a bicycle.”)

Despite accusations of insider trading regarding recently acquired funeral industry stock, McConnell is slated to meet with Russian boss Vladimir Putin to discuss opening a market for Goya Beans in the Russian Federation over the weekend.

-Tommy Middlefinger

Your Word of the Day Hoodwinked: It’s easier to fool someone than to convince them they have been fooled.