Is Putin Jealous of Trump’s Hair?

(Moscow) Opponents of Vladimir Putin say the Russian demigod has a host of obsessive disorders noting that a newly surfaced malady is focused on Donald Trump’s hair.

Vlad Envy (Hooy morzhovy in Muscovite slang) a severe mania hair and fur fetish, has been entrenched in Russian culture since the days of Vladimir I. Due in part to the cold weather and access to large beasts the importance of hair has emerged in both literature and cuisine to which anyone who has ever read Dostoevsky’s The Idiot or been force-fed leftover borscht can attest.

For years the Russian people have been led to believe that the US President is wearing a toupee or some sort of wig. Now it all appears to have been a cover-up and attempt to distract from the level of jealousy that has now been exposed on the international stage.

“Just look at the two of them together and the expression on Putin’s face when Trump combs or brushes back his long orange hair,” said Fyodor Toolstoy, a Putin critic who has not been seen since the story broke Tuesday.

“A state of jealousy exists between our two countries, both with nuclear arsenals and the ability to deliver weapons of mass destruction,” said a Bolshevik Weekend, a party organ that spotlights fashion and hygiene and generally refrains from sojourns into the political arena.

“If this fixation is true why doesn’t Putin just go out and buy a wig,” said Nikolai Sonovavitch, a former St. Petersburg councilman. “With all his shady investments bankrolled by the people he certainly has the money. He could choose between red and red…anything but orange.”

Sonovavitch was noticeably absent from his daily devotional Mass this morning at Saint Okroshka Cathedral. Friends and family have asked for assistance in determining his present status and location.

Meanwhile Russian political analysts contend that this hair thing was cooked up by the CIA to embarrass Putin who, as most know, could not afford a haircut as a child.

“He has been quite transparent of late on matters concerning civility and etiquette,” said a popular talk show host on Radio Razvaluha, a pro-Putin station. “He has his own hair and  most importantly a head to go with it.”

-Anastasia Sebastopol