Imaginary Friend Population on the Rise

(Denver) The number of imaginary friends claimed by residents of the Confront Range has almost doubled since this time last year. Experts say the jump is the result of growing disenchantment and constant stress experienced in higher population areas.

Imaginary friends, defined as anyone from a fantasy pal to an invisible advisor, tend to surface when real people just don’t cut the mustard. They are, in turn, attracted to lonely people who find themselves the victim of the 21st Century—People who constantly breathe bad air, people who spend their lives stuck in traffic or crammed into the cheery suburbs.

“These are not to be confused with guardian angels,” explains Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the Lookout Mountain Helicopter Traffic Brown Cloud Symposium. “They cannot be claimed as dependents on tax returns and are not recorded on the national census.”

Pennywhistle says guardian angels are good spirits while imaginary friends run the gamut from helpful to destructive. He adds that a pretend passenger can be of great worth while negotiating I-25 at rush hour or on the ol’ riding mower at dusk.

“We had one joker up here in Golden who claimed his imaginary friend bought him cheap vodka and made him drink it while driving up Clear Creek to the Central City casinos. Upon arrival the imaginary friend allegedly made him gamble away his paycheck and later threaten security personnel. When police arrived, and arrested the man,” quipped Pennywhistle, “the imaginary friend was nowhere to be seen.”

Up till now most urban planners and social scientists have chosen to ignore the existence of these others preferring to focus on logistical problems having to do with physical matter and space.

“It was bad enough trying to create housing for the first string (living, breathing humans) without worrying about these imagined individuals,” said one planner. “Now we have to build imaginary interstate highways, locate imaginary low income housing, develop imaginary neighborhoods and even maintain imaginary schools for their children. The impact on social services is astounding. We still haven’t figured out how to tax them and sell them licenses but that day is coming.”

In private, many sociologists resent the imaginary friends whom they say are parasites at best out only for a good time. Most feel humans would be better dealing directly with trauma rather than creating beefed-up linemen to do their blocking for them.

“Any way that modern man can deal with the bombardment of stimuli is acceptable,” explained Jorge Thorwell, a professor of Latter Day Metaphysics at Cal Amari University (Compton Fire Base). “These poor unfortunates in washed cars live life at a blow by blow pace traveling the robot highway in a world turned to bad science fiction. The road noise alone drives most slowly insane.”

At press time the number of imaginary friends living between Ft. Collins and Trinidad is estimated at about 500,000. While most have assimilated into ancient Colorado culture (they are Bronco fans) their presence is a constant threat to the fragile peace and harmony along that stretch of Colorful Colorado. – Fred Zeppelin