with Sir Otis of Liver

McDonald, Wendy, Burger King Among Missing in West Elks

(Baldwin) A slew of fast food giants, including Ronald McDonald himself, are still missing in the West Elk Wilderness despite a massive manhunt conducted by local grease gourmets. According to close friends in Montrose the three left that city on Monday intent on setting up a hunting camp prior to opening day. When Wendy failed to return on Thursday to work her regular shift employees called the police.

“There are a lot of very bad people out there who would like to see harm come to brave hype-cartoons like these three,” said an animated window washer over at Kentucky Fried Chicken. “Sure we are in competition but we still respect each other “somewhat”.

One clerk at Taco Bell echoed similar remarks.

“We’ve always had a good working relationship with the other fast food pimps here in the United States and in Grand Junction,” she quipped, “even though Wendy is a pathetic slut and the Burger King is a drunk.”

Meanwhile police express hope as the three are experienced sportsmen.

“We found a clump of red clown hair strung to a small shrub near Coffeepot Creek late last night,” said one searcher. “We don’t know yet if that was meant as some sort of sign or if McDonald was engaged in a struggle.”

The West Elk Wilderness is home to an estimated 2500 hungry black bear who are prone to eat almost anything.

“We sincerely hope the three missing hunters don’t end up as lunch for some fury beast, but that would be ironic, wouldn’t it?” he offered.

DOW BANS BAGPIPES

(Almont) The Colorado Division of Wildlife has outlawed the use of bagpipes in the woods this year due to what it calls an unfair advantage to elk hunters. Saying that the wapiti cannot resist the sounds of the ancient Celtic instruments, DOW officials have threatened to confiscate hunting licenses and fine guilty parties in this regard. Although the practice of calling elk with bagpipes has not become chronic in Colorado, the herd wardens fear that the problem could burgeon overnight and threaten the relative safety of the state’s herds.

This is the second time in as many years that the DOW has stepped in to prohibit questionable symphonic hunting techniques, having banned the use of assault kazoos over 8,000 feet in 2012.