Hummingbird Implants Condemned by AMA

(Ouray) Doctors here released yet another warning with regards to hummingbird implants during a high level conference held here Tuesday. The popular implants have become trendy in the mountains, often embraced by visitors hungry for a fix of alpine experience before heading back to the mass-produced gloom of the real world.

Dire consequences are buzzing and swooping in a frontal attack on the unwary and careless

The implants, often associated with fashion phenomenon like body piercing, RV injections and the wearing of furs, are unhealthy say the physicians.

“Despite the seemingly harmless adoption of a flying accessory in one’s wardrobe, danger lurks inches from the beak ,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, who flunked out of veterinarian school seven times before becoming a leading brain surgeon last year. “Sure, the hummingbirds look cool and the practice may be considered chic by the idle rich, but in the end a dangerous precedent has been set.”

Legislation is pending as to whether hummingbird implants should be regulated by state or federal agencies. Some say the rage leads to hyperactivity and a severely decreased attention span while others insist that the simple procedure is as harmless as toenail painting and/or a six-foot tattoo.

“One thing’s for sure,” spout animal rights advocates, “the birds don’t enjoy it. If we let this process continue it could easily result in the absence of hummingbirds altogether. Remember the popularity of beaver pelt hats? Remember when we had schools of whales around here? Our efforts to save them failed because the public didn’t care. We will not sit by and watch the same things happen to hummingbirds. We will save them even if it means an end to the human race.”

The art of hummingbird implanting arrived in this country with Kurdish missionaries in 1800 but was rejected by Puritans who felt the practice was potentially enjoyable. Later, during the First World War the birds were rationed and fell from grace in high fashion circles. Splinter groups attempted to exhume the ritual by introducing pigeons as ample substitutes in the Fifties only to be trampled by a mad exodus to the suburbs.

“We’d like to send a message to all those people that insist on hanging feeders on their porches too,” said Pennywhistle: “We know who you are and what you’re up to.”

– Susie Compost