Hug A Farmer Program Must Establish Clear Goals Says Developer

(Montrose) The much praised Hug A Farmer campaign, adopted here this spring, is under fire from a Telluride developer who feels the concept has lost its direction. Saying that farmers are enjoying all the hugs while ignoring their crops, Al Asphalt is calling for a moratorium on the program until County Commissioners can take another look at its current status.

“I’m putting in a strip mall south of Montrose and the last thing I need is a bunch of loved up farmers getting in the way,” said an angry Asphalt. “Why don’t they go away and plant some corn!”

Local country music standouts, The Pickle Sisters, are soundly behind the Hug A Farmer promotion which continues through harvest.

Asphalt has angered many in the agribusiness due to statements that Montrose does not need agriculture.

“We don’t grow anything up in Telluride and look at the big houses and all the cash that’s floating around town,” he quipped. “Now do you really think we could gather all that wealth by growing onions and potatoes?”

Asphalt subscribes to the Divine Right of Money, a theory which has taken American society down the path of love, happiness and financial security.

“Do you really think money grows on trees?” he asked.

Meanwhile local farmers, accustomed to receiving the affections of most local residents, have decided to disrupt Asphalt’s development by parking tractors in the way of heavy machinery and running cows up and down Highway 550 at peak traffic times.

“Enough development. Enough chains. Enough greed,” said Melvin Toole, who claims to have 400 acres in dynamite up Dry Creek Basin. “We have a downtown that is economically stressed and these charlatans keep building sterile buildings on what was once good pasture. Who’s gonna grow the food? Maybe the gov’ment can save us. We don’t know. Where are our elected officials when we need them?”

Toole went on to say that he and many other farmers enjoyed the hugs, and even a few kisses, but that they needed the local population to storm the offices of the powers that be and demand an end to the sprawl.

“Don’t these people pay any attention to their own damn lives, and the future of their kids?” he quacked, “or are they only interested in plastic consumerism.” –

– Uncle Pahgre